Focus on Fun

Dear Jane,

One of the hard parts about LDRs is that with all our thinking about the other person, we’re not in their day-to-day environment so it can be easy to fall out of touch with their goings-on, or worse, fall into the trap of thinking we’ve communicated ourselves properly, when we haven’t; which is exactly what has happened here.

I used to think about Mr. E pretty much constantly. We had imagined conversations in my head. I’d write him letters that would take two weeks to get to him, and re-read his old letters. I’d dream about the boy and message my friends about him too. Then in the evening, I’d say “I miss you so much!” then immediately apologize for being needy and clingy, which of course he didn’t understand because to him I’d only said it once.

In an LDR we need to be aware of what we’ve actually said versus what we assume our partners know. You had no way to know he was just crazy busy until he told you, so your mind provided its own explanation of “he’s ignoring me/not interested." He had no way to know how much setting a date mattered to you, so he just assumed, based on past history, that it wasn’t going to be a big deal.

When you sent those drunk texts, you revealed a side of yourself no one wants anything to do with, and in a way broke a level of the trust that’s built up between you. In my experience, the only thing that repairs trust is time. Time where you don’t make the same mistake. Time enough that he can feel confident you have moved away from that kind of behavior. How long that will be depends on who he is as an individual.

For now, I think you just need to drop it. Let some time pass so that his good memories of you can well up and offset the recent awkwardness. Apologize if you haven’t already, then just let it go. Put it out of your mind and live your life. He can’t get over it if you’re always picking off the scab.

In a couple more weeks send him a friendly message, but don’t freak out if he never responds to it. Chances are he’s just busy.

I hope this blows over quickly for you.

Good luck.

Dear Jessica,
Worry is like a rocking horse; it gives us something to do but doesn’t get us anywhere. As hard as it is, for your own health and that of your relationship, you have to try not to let the worry gnaw at you, otherwise, it just creates more unnecessary pressure.

My advice is not to rely on the visit to keep your relationship strong. Instead make sure your long distance contact is always enjoyable for both of you, even if it isn’t as frequent as you’d like. Plan date nights over video chat, and treat them like an in-person date.

Fun is the life-blood of your relationship. We stay with our partners because they make us feel good. They make us laugh, feel confident, and bring out the best in us. Love is great, but fun is the glue that keeps them coming back for more, so talk to him about what fun things you are going to do together at a distance.

In kindness,