Dear Miss U,
My bf & I want to meet each other next year. We are both college students & we’ll graduate from our respective programs near the end of 2016 or January 2017. We happen to be living on 2 different continents but, we both know this love is for real. We’ve made it this far as of 10 months together then, we know we can conquer the distance! We haven’t met in person yet. Next year during my summer vacation I want to meet my bf for real; in his country. My family & my friends all oppose the idea of me visiting him first. They feel the man should visit the woman first & if the man really loves you, he will visit you first. I feel so torn between my choice in wanting to visit him first vs. what my family & friends think I should do. My bf said he will visit me in my country, it’s just he wants to graduate & get a decent job so he can have the money to visit me. His family wants to meet me in his country soon! I am in the position where, I can easily visit him 1st. When other people’s opinions say or think my boyfriend doesn’t love me because, my boyfriend is asking me to visit him first – based on our circumstances – it makes me question if its worth I visit 1st? We love each other a lot and he always tells me it’s our relationship & not to focus on what people think about our relationship. So Miss U, what do you think? Does it matter if I go to his country & visit him first since, by the time he graduates in 2016, in 2017 he will visit me in my country.
Thank U,
Love Bug going through distance.
Dear Love Bug,
Because he has a penis, he can’t really love you if he doesn’t visit you first. That is essentially what your family and friends are saying. Because he has a penis he is not able to love you the way he should if he allows you the equality of visiting first. Because his penis is so important to your relationship, or your lack of penis is so dis-empowering, that he must certainly prove his worth to you, to your family and friends by traveling first? Sorry, I’m not buying it.
Yes, there was a time when this outdated thought process was the accepted norm. But there was also a time women became property of their husbands (instead of belonging to their father or brother) upon marriage. We are moving further and further away from this ridiculous standard every day.
Your letter is a good example why feminism is important to men too, it shows why gender inequality needs to be addressed. Is it fair for him to have this unrealistic expectation placed upon him? Does it make sense that you should delay a very important event in your relationship based solely on the fact you’re not wearing a penis? Of course not.
Maybe you visiting him first will cause a bit of a scandal. Your friends or family might be a little shocked, worried or even in awe. But nothing will stop your first visit being worth it – even if you find during that visit that you are incompatible. It will be worth it. The knowledge you gain about each other (and yourselves) and the feeling of security that comes from confirming the feelings you have had all along are priceless. In a few years, if people even remember that you visited him first, they aren’t going to care. It won’t be what they think of. Right now it seems like a big deal because they don’t know him, but once they do know him they’ll either: love him and support your relationship or they’ll have much bigger things to gripe about.
Personally, I am a woman, and I visited my male partner first. Only good things came from that.
Show them that you’re being as safe as possible; know where your nearest embassy is in his country, have a way you can contact home and promise to do so a two or three times in the first two days of your stay. Make sure your next of kin has his home address and phone number. Meet him in a safe public place, and have enough funds to get emergency accommodation and flights if something goes wrong. But go. Don’t let having a vagina stop you from meeting the love of your life.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my boyfriend met 2 years ago online on WeChat. I’m Italian and he’s American. At the beginning we sometimes send us videos how we are doing and how our day was and then we started skyping. Now we mostly chat and just talk sometimes on the phone as he is very busy with college and work.
Since the beginning I was the talker and he the listener. So after the question “how was your day?” mostly just follows a “Good.” But over the last while I feel like I’m not really a part of his life anymore. He just texts me rarely and if we do he just stop answering after an hour or whatever. I feel like I am losing him. And I told him that, but I guess he doesn’t care! And sometimes I feel like he stops caring about me. Just when he sees a new picture he always says – oh you are so beautiful.
I asked him if I said something wrong – everything’s okay. I asked him if he’s mad cuz I can’t come visit him until next summer. (It would be our first meet) No matter how or what I ask, he says everything’s ok.
What can LDR-couples (or now in this situation – me) do, if they have a “down” or their lives are going apart?
Last time we had this it was from one day to the other okay again. He showed me his love like on the first day. Now I don’t know what’s the matter.
Do you know this situation? How did you deal with it?
I really thank you for your help. I can’t sleep anymore…
Kind regards,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Trying to talk this out in text isn’t likely to work. You can cover more ground, faster, using your voice. So the first step is pinning him down for a time he can talk.
When you do secure that conversation, go in prepared. Have with you a short list of things that are making you feel like something is wrong and where possible note down examples. Being able to say when something happened, what was said, and how you felt is powerful. You will have the best chance of getting him to understand you if you can provide examples.
If he tries to tell you that everything is ok, firmly remind him that it isn’t. You wouldn’t feel the way you are feeling now if everything was ok, so you need him to help you feel better.
I do know that when life gets busy it can be hard to maintain relationships. Even near-proximity relationships suffer in periods where one partner is working or studying a lot. But we can’t let being busy be an infallible excuse either. We are in relationships because we have needs that we expect to have met. If the relationship isn’t providing what it needs to then it falls apart; and it is both of your responsibilities to prevent that.
With that said, you will likely need to compromise. Perhaps he doesn’t have the spare time to text with you, or can only text during his lunch hour, outside of which you need to leave him alone. Trade those extra texts for a set time to talk each day (or every second day, if every day is unachievable) or a date night once a week. Know what compromises you are willing to make, and know what the minimum you require is.
Arm yourself with answers. He is likely going to ask you what would make you feel more involved in his life, so be clear and reasonable. You know he doesn’t have a lot of time, so suggest things that aren’t time-consuming. Try and make it fun, whatever it is you suggest. People are more likely to do things they enjoy and nothing strengthens a relationship like fun.
All you can do is talk to him, and try to get him to understand and meet you half way. Beyond that, if nothing changes and you’re still feeling awful and neglected, it’s time to move on.
