Dear Miss U,
I studied abroad in the fall of 2012 in Mexico. While I was there, I have met the most amazing man and I totally fell for him. This was the healthiest relationship I have ever had. The only trouble is that he lives in Mexico and I live in Wisconsin. The distance is the only reason we broke up. After I went home, we continued to talk (facebook chat and skype) regularly and we have made plans to visit each other in the next year or so. The other day he told me that he still wants to be with me and that he would like to try an open relationship but only until after I graduate from college and we are better able to close the distance (an eventually have a more serious relationship). But I am terrified. I don’t know if this is something that I want to do. I want to be with him and I love him but I don’t want him to make plans around me or my life. There is nothing wrong with our relationship (other than us being far away from each other) and I have never had any problems from him. I do actually have a lot trust in him. I just feel like I will hold him back and I don’t want to do that. I want to pursue it but it’s such a big risk. What’s your take on it?
~ Study abroad blues
Dear Blues,
What it comes down to is: do you want him or not?
Because for this relationship to succeed long-term, you’re going to have to factor each other into your futures and alter your plans to include each other. I would go as far to say that this happens on some scale in every successful relationship. Life is not going to conspire to put you together and have you need the same things at the same time; you will need to compromise and work around each other in any relationship you have.
I feel that as your relationship deepens and becomes more serious investing in each other will no longer be such a big deal and you’ll lose that sense of panic that the idea of him planning around you currently inspires. Right now you’re not ready for this to get too serious, but it’s really early in your relationship too so that is to be expected. It’s ok to commit to this but also request taking it slowly. Talk to each other, set down some guidelines for your relationship and for the way you plan to manage issues relating to having an open relationship. Can you not just be together for now and leave the planning until later?
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been best friends with Tina for ten years we would stay up all night talking and even wake up on the phone lol. Then we ended up in other relationships… I had kids and she finished school… got her master’s… one day recently she found my old letters and we fell in love all over again.. She came to visit me all the way from New York and we had a wonderful time… making love to her was so different than anyone else. My issue is she is involved with a man back home… her family is back home and as much as she says she wants to move forward I don’t know if she can leave everything. Confused? What to do? All she does is tell me how much she loves me. I want to move forward but not rush anything.
~ Joe
Dear Joe,
Something strikes me as odd about all of this, but I can’t put my finger on it. She’s coming across very flighty and unstable. Is it possible she wants to get away from her life back home? Is she running from something? Because women in happy healthy relationships don’t suddenly fall back in love with an old friend and skip town on their current partner to have amazing sex. It sounds like something out of The Notebook.
That aside, lots of people move away from their family in adulthood. There’s no reason she couldn’t visit them a couple of times a year, and stay in touch the rest of the time. If you love each other and want to be together, then go for it! Have a long conversation with her about the practical side of things and let her know that you don’t want to rush anything, then go from there.
Dear Miss U,
My long distance boyfriend wants to get married in the future, but I know I don’t want to get married to him, if at all. One of the reasons he fell in love with me is my outgoing nature and determination, but with that comes independence and spontaneity, and I don’t want any of my dreams or ideas to be tied down to a relationship for the rest of my life, especially this early in my youth. I’m enjoying the relationship right now, but if he’s dating for marriage, I feel like prolonging it will only make it hurt more for him when we do break up. Should I do it soon?
There’s only one more month left of school (I’m in a boarding school). Should I break up over Skype or wait to do it in person? And if I do it in person, I would have to wait a little longer so it doesn’t collide with all the excitement of finally getting to see me again. He’s really sensitive, so I think in person would be better so I could at least hold his hand, but then that’ll give us a few weeks of quality time and physical affection which I would love (because I, too, am emotionally invested in the relationship and I do love him), but I don’t know if that’ll make the breakup easier for him or worse.
Furthermore, as an artist, I’ve given him a lot of handmade gifts and things to make the distance easier to deal with, and I just know he’s gonna hold on to that and it’s going to make it more difficult to let go. What do I do about that?
~ Lily
Dear Lily,
I don’t think you need to break up with him necessarily, I think you just need to be honest with him and let him make his own choices. Tell him that you don’t know if you’ll ever want to get married, and that if not getting married would be a deal breaker for him, he needs to find a different girl.
Realize too that you don’t have to give up your spontaneity if you have a partner who can keep up with you. The right person doesn’t tie you down, they boost you up and help you reach your dreams faster. Many things in life are far more rewarding if you have someone special to share it with, someone who can appreciate the experience as much as you can. Marriage isn’t about being Suzy housewife, cooking dinner and driving kids to hockey practice – well, unless you want it to be. Marriage can be whatever you want it to be – a husband can be the person that holds your purse at the mall or the guy who holds your beer while you do something crazy. He can be the person you reminisce with about that time you got a flat in a snowstorm 1000 miles from civilization, or the person who helps you secure your abseiling ropes. He can be your personal cheer squad when you’re conquering the world, and inspire you to greater heights with his own exploits. It doesn’t have to be boring. It doesn’t have to mean your life is over. It isn’t baking and laundry and sitting in the passenger seat. You don’t stop being yourself just because you’re in a long-term committed relationship, you don’t have to forfeit your independence.
Just talk to him. Paint him a verbal picture of what you want your life to look like, and see if he’s up for that. Maybe his dream wife is the kind of girl who wants her own space, who doesn’t want to hang off him all the time but prefers to go it alone occasionally. Maybe he doesn’t want to settle down and have a house and 2.5 kids with a serious planner, he wants to see the world and have adventures and he’s looking for someone to laugh about it all with him at the end of the day. You won’t know unless you ask him!
If this relationship is working for both of you now, then there is no reason to end it prematurely, as long as you’re not pretending to want a future you have no interest in. But, if you still decide to end it, if single life is what you desire, then end it as soon as possible. Don’t drag it out and spend a wonderful couple of weeks letting him become more attached in person, dreaming about a forever that’s never going to be there. If you know it’s over, let him know too. Don’t play games.
