Dear Miss U,
Okay, best thing ever just happened to me when my best friend of 4 years asked me to be his girlfriend after visiting me for the first time in a year. Yay! The problem? He lives 653 miles and almost 12 hours away. I’ve been in an LDR before where my ex was 1 1/2 hours away, and after about 4 months right after he came home from college on break, he said he was doubting it could work out (despite the fact he cancelled most failed Skype dates, vetoed certain topics, and was not committed to spending a future together) and we broke up. So only 6 months after the break-up, I’m a little worried about a longer distance. He’s totally different from my ex, and as my best friend knew all the intimate details where my last relationship went wrong, was with me through the break-up, and likewise on my end(he just got out of a relationship with a non-committed girlfriend). Am I just being overly worried that it won’t work out? As my best friend, he was fantastic, and I don’t want to lose him as such. Most importantly, we BOTH want this to work out, and have already started discussing when I can come visit him even as we’re just starting out. It feels like fate after staying friends Long-distance for 4 years in the most unlikely circumstances. I love him, I really do, I’m just scared. Is this normal? Is there some way I can prevent what happened with my ex so this one works out?
Worried in Willimantic
Dear Worried,
I think you already know that you’re worried over nothing. You’ve already done the long distance thing with him for FOUR YEARS! This guys a keeper!
Distance is distance really, a few extra miles here or there doesn’t change the fact that you can’t just pop round for tea and that you miss them like hell. A longer distance does not inherently mean a higher risk of failure. Don’t fret over it. Yes, it takes longer to get to each other and is likely a bit more expensive for that, and you might be lumped with a time difference too – but all these things don’t add up to failure. You just work around them, like you’ve been doing for the past four years.
There’s not a heck of a lot of difference between best friends and lovers. You should still be able to tell them everything; you should still love them and feel a connection. You have fun in their company and look forward to seeing them. The big differences are suddenly you can touch his penis and you’ll start planning a life together rather than just making time to fit each other into the lives you plan for yourself; that’s all.
Don’t fall into the too-easy trap of judging him for the sins of the ex and just keep doing what you’ve already been doing. Is there anything more beautiful than a love based on a solid foundation of friendship?
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend is a marine and he is stationed in California. He constantly wants to have phone sex or have me send him dirty pictures. I really am not into this and haven’t yet. We won’t be able to see each other for over a year since I have to go to school. Do you think phone sex is necessary to keep the relationship alive?
~ Kaitlin
Dear Kaitlin,
Usually I’d say “Yes. You have a sexual responsibility to your partner when you’re in a committed sexual adult relationship” but in your case, I don’t think this applies.
You’ve only been together three months (And thus may not be ready to be intimate in person, never mind adding technology to the mix), and I sense that you’ve not met in person yet (I may be wrong, but even if you had met my advice would be the same). I also don’t know the age of sexual consent where you come from, but I’m taking into account that you’re pretty young – and young women deserve nurturing and respect to help them grow into sexually-aware confident adults; not endless pressure.
I think that if he feels you need to be having phone sex and sending him dirty pictures (which could come back to haunt you – don’t send dirty pictures unless you’re 100% sure, and if you do make sure your face and any unique features you have will not be shown, such as birth marks or obvious scars.) for the relationship to survive, then it’s not a relationship you really want or need to be in. If he won’t respect you and your boundaries, some other nice young man certainly would.
So wait. Wait until you’re 100% ready and comfortable. Wait until you feel like initiating sexual contact. Wait another month, or another year or even until marriage if that’s what you need mentally, emotionally and sexually. You may never be comfortable with phone sex or photos, but may find something else you are into that you can do together – and that’s fine too.
The person who knows you best is you; and no man is worth compromising who you are to make him stay.
Good things come to those who wait.
