Dear Miss U,
I went to Australia for 2 months and just got back to the states a week ago. While I was there I met an amazing guy and we ended up dating. When I left it was the hardest thing in the world for the both of us. I’m just wondering how to have an international relationship work and if the odds are in our favor.
International Love
Dear International Love,
Your odds will depend on a lot of things, most of which revolve around the same prerequisites a near-proximity couple face, such as your compatibility in the long term and your life goals. Additional factors that an international couple deal with are immigration, time differences and some culture differences (Though between your two countries, there shouldn’t be too many of those).
How to make it work, especially with a time difference, varies for everyone. This kind of relationship tends to require a lot of commitment and dedication upfront, because one or both of you will likely have to shift your day around slightly to make contact happen. You need to have trust. These kind of relationships also have quite the financial toll as well.
Your odds also depend on personal circumstances, responsibilities in your home countries – especially careers or unfinished education courses and children from previous relationships can make it seem impossible to ever take an international romance and make it a near proximity relationship, and no one wants to be in a long distance relationship forever.
But none of that matters if you are both invested in each other. There are a lot of things that can make these relationships difficult but with good communication and a bit of effort there’s no reason having an ocean in the way should stop you getting your happily ever after.
Dear Miss U,
My parents have always warned me about strangers on the internet, and for years I’ve condemned relationships that start when people meet online. That’s probably because of all the horror stories– about predators, broken hearts, cheating, etc. My boyfriend– whose name is also Alex– and I will have been dating for three months on the seventeenth. He’s really good to me– much better than my past relationships. I won’t go into specifics, but I will say that we love each other very, very much, and would love to see each other someday. Unfortunately, that won’t be possible for another two years, when he turns eighteen and can make the 899 mile trip from MA to MI on his own. Everyone always asks me why I say 899 instead of 900, and I always give them the same answer. One mile might seem short in comparison to hundreds of miles, but it makes a big difference when you’re driving to see someone you love.
Anyway, I’m writing to you to ask if you have any advice on how I should go about telling my parents about him. I don’t want them to get upset, but I think their reaction would be much worse if they found out on their own.
I hope you can help me.
Best wishes,
Alex
Dear Alex,
You know your parents best. Obviously, bring the subject up when they are in a good mood, not when they are stressed or busy and don’t let any of your own fears shine through if you can avoid it. People can sense if we feel guilty or if we think there is something strange about how our relationships have started, so be confident in yourself.
Also, avoid the love and commitment talk. Your parents don’t want to hear it. They want to hear you sounding sensible, not love-struck.
Most people have success with name-dropping, rather than approaching the subject in a heavy discussion. Start small with things like “I was talking to Alex today and he told me
People generally struggle to understand the in-love-and-committed-to-someone-you’ve-never-met thing, but they can understand pen pals and things similar to that, so work with what they understand and what is non-threatening.
However, if they flat out ask if he’s your boyfriend, don’t lie. Instead, highlight all the good reasons to be in a long distance relationship like there’s less pressure, you’re not going out on dates that take away from your study time (because you can study and Skype at the same time after all!), and there’s no risk of teen pregnancy. Show them you are being sensible on the stranger danger front as well, that you know he’s not a creepy 40 year old man because you’ve seen him on camera. Offer for them to speak with him and his parents. Tell them that you had the same reservations at first, and that you know there are creeps out there so you are being super careful. Let them know neither of you are rushing into meeting up or anything else either.
Generally, if you act in a mature manner, parents will be reasonable, even if they are reluctant about it at first. So if the first discussion doesn’t go your way, remain calm and reasonable.
