My partner and I absolutely adore each other. When we are together, it is unlike anything I have experienced, I truly feel it is special. We have so much in common and have so much fun together going out to different places. We both meet each others' physical and intellectual needs very well.
However, I suffer with anxiety and he has real trouble controlling his anger, especially when we are apart and I am not physically in front of him. Small disagreements quickly spiral into heart wrenching arguments where he makes threats and says really unpleasant things. It's really confusing because he soon takes it all back and apologizes for his behavior. This has happened multiple times even though we have talked about it and I have made it clear that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, when all I want to do is talk to him calmly and work through any issues we have. He admits he has issues, but up until now hasn't offered to do anything about it.
We recently broke up because he suggested it during an argument and I accepted because his behavior has really worn me down and I felt I'd had enough. I instantly felt relief but am now questioning whether I should give up so easily on someone who I feel I have a unique and amazing connection with otherwise. As per usual, he took back that he wanted to break up and is now saying he wants to go to counseling to work through this, for himself and for us.
Should I give him the chance to do this?
Extreme highs to extreme lows
Dear Extreme,
There are some huge red flags here. Things might be amazing when you are physically together on visits, but I don’t feel like that guarantees your safety. I feel like once the newness and relief of being together wears off, his anger would be just as volatile in person. Not only could he threaten you, he could follow through on those threats. He might not, but being right there where he could harm you, still gives him power over you. Moreover, emotional abuse, saying horrible things, calling names, etc can and will eventually destroy you, even if it only happens a few times a year. It only takes one outburst to cause a permanent injury or death. To me, no amount of amazing connection is worth that risk. Furthermore if one day you are going to want children, imagine him speaking to you like that in front of them. Imagine him treating them the way he treats you. Because he will.
If he wants to go to counseling, he should. But if you’re going to get back with him, make sure it’s after the counselling, after you can see real changes. Don’t take an empty promise that will be followed quickly by excuses. Let him see that you’re serious. That you demand respect and a safe partner. That you’re not such a slave to love that you won’t put your safety, your self-esteem, and your needs above it.
I personally wouldn’t take him back. You’ve played this game before. But if you do, let it be a year or more from now. If in a year he’s gotten help and you still can’t imagine a life without him, maybe... maybe.
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