Dear Miss U,
He and I met at a college party last year in May of 2012. We text, got to know each other, and then we started dating in August. To tell you the truth we only hung out about 3 times before he left in mid-September. He lives in Las Vegas now, his hometown, because things in AZ got financially hard for him. It is now mid-February and he told me he was going to save up to live here. I have been believing that for the longest time now since he left. He breaks horrible news to me earlier this week and tells me he hasn’t been saving up.
He came out and told me he was “in love” with me. I told him I love him, but I’m not quite “in love” just yet. I am a very loyal, pure, caring and loving woman. I will do anything for him because I care deeply for him. I know for a fact he would do the same. However, do you think I’m wasting my time waiting out here for him? Are we not ready for a relationship just yet? How do I know if he is saving the money to live here?
I have all of these questions running through my mind and I don’t have an answer. A part of me wants to stay with him because I love him very much and I believe we can work through this together because we are a team. Another part of me wants to end the relationship, still talk, and see if that will motivate him even more to come down here.
Please help me with this situation. I’m at a dead end and as much advice as I can receive would be great.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope to hear from you soon.
~ Victoria
Dear Victoria,
What would be the difference between dating him as you are or breaking up and still talking? Will anything change other than the label or are you playing games to try and orchestrate an effect?
I would say that whist you probably are ready for a relationship that doesn’t mean you’re ready to close the distance. Saving up and moving to someone is a big thing and it shouldn’t be rushed. I don’t know what your situation with visits is like but I feel at the moment that should be the focus relationship-wise. You’ve said you love him, but you’re not in-love with him, and that tells me it’s still early days. Get some quality time together in. His drive to save up for a move will grow stronger as the relationship progresses, that’s only natural, so work on getting to know each other (seven months isn’t enough to know someone inside and out no matter how much you talk) and when you get to the one year mark, then revisit the topic of him moving. Also, seeming he is moving for you, I’d recommend discussing the role you will play to help him achieve that goal, whether that will be through living together or through contributing financially to his move. It shouldn’t all be on him.
Miss U,
This is my first LDR ever. I’m sure you know this by now but it sucks! We have been dating for 8 months and I’ve never felt so close to anyone. The biggest problem I have right now is that I don’t know how long he will be gone. That scares me almost as much as losing him. Would it be reckless if I moved to be with him? I mean, I love my current job but I can get a job anywhere.
Please help!
~ Callie
Callie,
Yes it does suck. It sucks so hard it puts Dyson to shame.
Would it be reckless to move to him? Probably. Should you do it anyway? If nothing is holding you back, I don’t see why not. But he’s the one to talk to about it. Would you be welcome to move there, or would he consider that moving too fast? Do you have the funds to move and to support yourself for six months in case you don’t find employment right away – or in case it’s a giant mistake and you need to get out of there on the double?
One thing most people seem to agree on is that long distance relationships are easier to cope with if there are dates (even vague ones) for when the next visit will be or when closing the distance can happen. You don’t have to just show up on his door step, perhaps it would be enough to have a plan in action so you know when you can be there. Ring a few more months of enjoyment and cash from your current job while you iron out the details of what needs to fall into place for a successful move; because that’s the kicker – it’s often quite easy to close the distance, but quite another thing to keep it closed. A careful plan and a solid back-up plan are almost essential to the survival of a relationship after closing the distance. Make sure you are both ready for it by discussing every detail you can think of, like will you be living together? How often do you expect to spend quality time together? What kind of house rules do you expect (either for living together or sleep overs)? Do you have expectations of gender roles? Do you have a plan for how to cope when you are getting on each other’s nerves? Do you have your own friends where he is or a strategy for how to make some?
Don’t let the fact long distance sucks drive you into making a mistake; because losing him due to making the move without the both of you being ready or winding up prolonging the distance because of poor planning would suck a lot worse.
