Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I are inseparable. For 2 weeks during summer, we went on 1 week long cruise with my family, then went on another week long beach trip with his family. The DAY we got back from the beach, I had to say goodbye to him because he was going to the US Merchant Marine Academy. He had to go up early because they start Indoctrination (boot camp) for the first 3 weeks of July. It’s been 3 days since he has been gone and I don’t know what to do with myself. They take away his phone and he only gets a 5 minute phone call on two different Sundays. I can write him letters, which I already sent him one, but I still feel so empty. He was my rock, and my best friend, and now he’s gone. It drives me crazy not knowing what he’s doing every day because he has no way of communicating. The school is very vague on what they allow and what they don’t allow so I don’t know when he will get his phone back or when he will get a computer so he can email/skype me. His first time coming home is October 30th. What do I do with myself in the meantime? How do I deal with not being able to text him whenever I need him or want to hear his voice? He gave me his pillow and a few shirts and a sweatshirt before he left so I have been in my bed all day in his clothes just so depressed that I can’t be held by him. I know I sound pathetic, but I am in love with this boy. I’m starting college of my own in mid-August, but that also makes me sad because he won’t be there with me.
Leah.
Dear Leah,
I actually believe this will be a good experience for you in the long run. Yes, it’s hard, but nothing worth doing is ever easy.
The thing is, it can be hard to be in a full-on joined-at-the-hip relationship and still find out who you are. It can become nearly impossible for you to grow into yourself, to know yourself and to be able to rely only on yourself as an adult. Because if all goes well and one day you do marry and have a home together, these are still things you will need.
You will need self-sufficiency. You will need the ability to power through and get things done, not just for yourself but also for him and any future children. You will both need to know that you’re 100% loyal and dedicated; that out of sight isn’t out of mind. You will need the ability to just trust – to not know where he is or who he is with, but know that he too is smart, self-reliant and doing his best to remain safe so he can come home to you. It is a useful skill to know what to do what you can’t call him; to know that you can do just fine when you are on your own. And it is a blessing to know who your support network is, outside of this relationship, because those are the people who will be there for you when your marriage hits a rough patch. They will be there to remind you why you want to keep fighting. Why you like him even. They will be there to take your babies so that you can have time to nurture each other.
All these things and so much more can come from this kind of long distance relationship, and they will benefit you. Because even when you live together, he won’t always be able to text back whenever you text him. There will be times he can’t call you, or run to your side. There will be times that you’ll take the back seat to his career or children for a little while. And in those times, just as now, he will still be your rock and your best friend. Those things don’t disappear just because you can’t see each other. He hasn’t ceased to exist, nor has he stopped caring about you, so it doesn’t do either of you any good to mourn him like a loss.
What you need to do now is live your life. Don’t squander it wishing he was there, take advantage of his absence. Do things for you. For your future. Because the one person you are stuck with forever is yourself. Make yourself the kind of friend you can rely on. The kind of person you enjoy being around. The kind of woman who knows her dreams and goes after them. What you do now is study. Work hard. Hang out with all the friends you probably neglected while you were inseparable to your new love (8 months is a short amount of time to oldies like me), buy them a coffee and invest your time in relationships with them. Spend time with your family and listening to the stories of old people. Seniors often have amazing love stories filled with hardships that make long distance look like a cakewalk!
Be positive. It takes work, but find and appreciate reasons that it’s almost nice he’s not around. One day he’s going to leave his dirty undies on the floor and steal all the covers at night, so enjoy having only your own bad habits to care about and starfish the hell out of your bed! I bet there were a bunch of things you stopped having time for when you started spending all your time with him. Rediscover these things. Not just because you have time to kill, but because your interests help make you who you are. They make you interesting. They give you something to write about in your letters, and one day something to talk to him about over dinner.
Right now it seems like the hardest thing in the world, I know. But you will adjust. Humans are amazing for that ability. We can survive an awful lot of crap. So be a survivor. Be your own best friend. And write as many letters as you like. There’s no such thing as too much mail.
Hi there !
My bf and I met 6 months ago while working on a ship. We were together for 10 days and we felt in love. He left and I stayed promising we were meant each other and we have to find the way to b together… Since then we talked 4 hours every single day, plus mails, pictures, whatever u can imagine… On April I took vacations and I went to visit him to his country (opposite side of the world). I met his family his mom loves me and everything got wonderful.
We had the plan to move to a different Cruise Line, we both started the process and now we both are in… We still need to find when we get on board.
The problem is, one month ago everything started to change and now I feel very insecure about the relationship.
I finish this contract in this previous ship where we met and I came back home. I have too much pressure because my parents think my bf and I it’s only a fantasy. Then like a nightmare I don’t have internet at home, no cellphone… Nothing! When we talk it was to claim attention from me to him. We have a fly ticket to visit him and stay there until we get on board for next Cruise Line. Yes! We are going to live together. I’m scared but I want to talk with him like before. And he seems like he doesn’t want to know anything about me. He doesn’t read my messages till 2 days later, he gets online and he doesn’t contact me anymore. Last time we talk was 3 days ago and he looks tired and upset, but he says we are fine. I don’t know if this is going to get worse.
Coffee Girl.
Hi there Coffee Girl!
Listen, it’s still early days, and you’re doing fantastically – you even have a plan! That is so much to be proud of and look forward to.
Sometimes in long distance our imaginations run away with us, and we worry about all kinds of things that aren’t half as bad as we make them out to be in our heads. Having unsupportive parents and no internet at home doesn’t help with that at all, but you know what? This is your life, and you have to chase your own happiness.
Is there a library or café with free WiFi near you that you could go to to skype with him, or at least email every day? I’m sure if you had more frequent access, he would go back to making contact a bigger priority too.
Also, don’t assume him being tired and stressed is your fault, there may be other things happening in his home life he isn’t yet able to talk about. Just hang in there until you can fly to see him again. Spending time together before you get on the boat gives you the opportunity to iron things out and reconnect.
Until that time, just hang in there. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best and don’t worry about the things you can’t change. No one can ask more than that.
