Hi,
I met Jenna (my girlfriend) at my school and we’ve been dating since my 15th birthday. We may seem young, but I promise you she is going to be my life partner.
My mum has been really abusive to me, she’s had me arrested on my birthday for nothing and it’s hard to be happy. I’ve decided to go to live with my dad in England (from Australia) because I just can’t take it anymore.
Jenna is really upset about this. She is convinced that it’s going to be really hard and I told her I know that, but I’m doing everything I can to make it easier for her. I’m looking for advice as for things I could say to her to put her mind at ease and to make her see that this will be a good thing in the long term, because nothing I say works. I’m worried that if I can’t put her mind at rest, when I try to be a couple long distance she’ll just be depressed and it will ruin our relationship.
Any help would be much appreciated. Thank you.
James
Hello James,
You seem like the sweetest guy, I’m sorry family life is forcing you to make this decision. There’s really nothing special you can say to her to make this all better, unfortunately. Like anything in life, long distance is what you make of it. It’s not the easiest thing to begin with, but if you’re determined that it’s going to be hard, it will be. If you’re the kind of person to wallow in sadness rather than looking for the positives in your life then it will, of course, be harder. Hopefully she is mature enough to realize that and put on her brave face.
Both of you are on the cusp of adulthood. A few short years and you’ll be finished high school, you can get a job or apprenticeship and live out on your own together if you so wish. I think the best thing to do now is to talk about your goals and your future, so that she knows there is a light at the end of the tunnel. How long are you planning on living in England? Just until you’re an adult, or is it a permanent move and one day you’ll expect her to follow you? Are you going to study right after school, or would you rather work or travel and study when you’re more established? Talk about these things with her, to show her you’re thinking of her and how your lives will fit back together when the time comes.
Until then, you’ll have to show her that long distance isn’t so bad. Continue to make time for her in your new country, send her cards or a small gift if you can, don’t be late for your skype dates. Try to stay involved in each other’s lives.
You both might also benefit from joining a forum community to get support from other people facing the same challenges. Many people have international long distance relationships that are successful, there is no reason that you can’t also.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years and we just arrived on our third year of college. We are only apart during the school year but we will try and visit each other. I commute from my home to school and he goes to school 3 hours away so it’s not bad. When we are together our relationship feels perfect; we are so happy. Our freshmen year of college I found out he cheated on me and it has been the biggest struggle. He came clean and told me about it and did everything I asked if he wanted to be with me. He got tested for any STIs, told her he wanted nothing to do with her, and went to counseling. I went on his Facebook one day and seen that he was messaging this girl and that’s how I found out. He was drunk and said he never finished the act but when I read the messages he was still talking to her after it happened. One of the messages said (from her) ‘ is it that you want to be with me but you just feel so bad for her’ he said like I guess… I can’t get that out of my head. They go to the same school and I know they see each other around because even I ran into when I was there. I can’t really get over this and have a hard time trusting him. He’s in a frat and I love all the guys in it but they party too hard. I want him to be happy and have fun in college but I feel bad because I always 50 question him because I’m scared he will cheat on me again. I want to stay together but it’s hard to trust him. Do I give up or struggle for 2 more years. Please help.
The Biggest Betrayal
Dear TBB,
This happened a couple of years ago, if you are going to stay with him you need to let it go – for your own piece of mind. Is there anything he has done recently to make you wonder about his trustworthiness or are you just clinging to old hurts?
When he said that thing he was probably just super embarrassed about the whole incident, and thought that agreeing with her would get it over quicker. If it were true, he wouldn’t still be with you. If he truly wanted a relationship with her, he would choose her. He wouldn’t chose to be in a long distance relationship if there was a near-proximity girl he loved half as much as he loves you. It wouldn’t make sense.
Now, I’m not saying cheating is ok. It’s definitely not ok. However, people do make mistakes. Perhaps it would be better to focus on every time he could have been unfaithful but wasn’t, rather than focusing on that one time he slipped up? Because fidelity isn’t something that is just there, something you don’t think about until it’s broken. It’s a quality that requires maintenance. Every time you don’t cheat on each other is worth something and should be acknowledged. Try to focus a little more on that. When I’m doing a detox, that one chocolate I snuck out of the fridge doesn’t completely ruin the whole week’s effort – it just tarnishes it – and I can still be proud of all those days I pretended the chocolates weren’t there. You can approach cheating in the same way if it gives you piece of mind.
The thing with cheating is, you never know for certain if your partner is doing it. You just have to have faith they are not. There is no guarantee that if you were with someone else they wouldn’t do it, even if you lived in the same house. I can’t tell you whether to stay with him or not, only you know if that’s what you truly need, but I can say that the saying “cheaters never change their spots” is bullshit. He has the ability to learn from his mistake, so unless he has actually done something recently that makes you believe he’s up to no good, then it’s on you to let the past be the past.
