Miss You Issues: Going Off Grid | Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I've been in a long distance relationship with an amazing man for 9 months. I live in Utah and he lives in California.

I've been having this extremely overwhelming anxiety about cheating. Not that he would cheat on me, but that I would cheat on him. I have no idea why, because I would never do it, but it has been consuming my thoughts and causing me a lot of stress. In past relationships that were basically at their tail end or basically broken up, and I was interested in someone else, I'd be flirting with the other person or have kissed them (and this to me is still cheating). I guess these past things make me label myself as a cheater, but none of those relationships have been long distance or as serious as the one that I have with this man. I have even been avoiding making guy friends in fear I'll have a moment of weakness from being away from him. How can I come to better trust myself and cope with these feelings until him and I are living in the same place again?

Casey

Dear Casey,

The only thing that repairs trust is time, and that includes healing our own self-trust. You need to give yourself time to prove to yourself that you’ve matured beyond the point of cheating and that when rocky patches arise in your relationship you will work harder on them, rather than outsourcing the things that are missing.

I can’t tell you how long it takes, but I can tell you that it’s possible. I am a reformed cheater. I was unfaithful to my first girlfriend, and only broke it off with her when I moved in with the partner that followed. I had an emotional affair (complete with raunchy cybersex) for 3+ years during that relationship. At the time I told myself I’d tried to stop. I told my partner about it and asked him to help me repair the relationship. The person I was cheating with stopped talking to me for months and we only got back in touch once he was in a different relationship and thus “safe” and now? Well now I’ve been happily married to that guy I’d had the affair with for the past six years and he has never once worried I will cheat on him.

His faith in me helped me build up my faith in me, but honestly, I don’t cheat because I’ve never been happier. I’ve had the opportunity, even the odd temptation, but there’s nothing missing from my relationship. Nothing would be worth risking everything we have built together.

I look at cheating as a symptom of illness within the relationship. Cheating doesn’t happen in healthy relationships, it’s a sign something is very wrong. So the key to not cheating is caring for your relationship and making your needs heard. You’ll be happy to know that, statistically, people in LDRs are not more likely to cheat than people in near-proximity relationships, so you can’t use that as an excuse either.

In the meantime, positive self-talk does wonders. Remind yourself why you’re not a cheater and bask in gratitude because you have an amazing partner. “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” is a load of bullshit – only you get to decide whether or not you’ll be faithful.

Dear Miss U,

I honestly believe I found the love of my life. I'm in college and he's back home, so we already live 3-1/2 hours away. We talk every night on the phone and our schedules have allowed us to spend many weekends together, thankfully. So the long distance has been tough but manageable.

For my degree capstone, I am going on a month long expedition over the summer. I won't have my cellphone and we'll be away from civilization the whole time.

I am really nervous about this; I am really excited for my trip and I am going to go, but the thought of not being able to talk for a month is crushing. It's tough for me to go 24 hours without at least texting him, and the same for him as well. In the past, I've struggled with depression and anxiety and I'm afraid I'll start to feel those ways again during that month.

Do you have any advice?

Troubled Traveler

Dear Troubled Traveler,

As a sufferer of mental illness myself, my advice is to never rely on another person for your mental stability. No one deserves that power; not your husband, not your parents, not your kids. Only you. You are the only person you can count on to be with you forever, so you must learn to love yourself as a best friend and to recognize the onset of your illness’s low points. If you had heart disease you wouldn’t rely on your boyfriend to keep you alive, you’d manage your condition through lifestyle and diet changes, and possibly medication. You’d trust your life to a medical professional, not someone who means well but isn’t trained in medicine. Same goes for mental illnesses. You need to develop the strategies to help you manage your anxiety and depression. Yes, asking for help and having safe, loving support is important, but relying 100% on your partner is neither safe nor fair.

Ok, so what can you do to get through this month of being out of touch? If you can afford it, I’d contact a florist near him and arrange to have flowers or a goodie basket delivered at the half-way point of your trip. It will blow his mind and lift his spirits. For yourself, I’d recommend getting a cheap notebook and a couple of pens so that you can write to him every night you’re gone (or in the mornings if you’re up much earlier than everyone else). Write your letters as though you were talking to him and give him the book when you get back. Mr. E and I wrote letterbooks to each other for almost a year during a period of time I didn’t have the money to get an internet connection (not even dial-up. Does this make me old?) and we learned so much about each other. We still have all the books we wrote. Writing to him, even though he wouldn’t get to read it for a month or more, kept me feeling connected to him. I knew, somewhere out there, there was someone who loved me just as much as I loved him. Writing letters, even though you can’t send them right away, can help you both feel involved in this trip.

Good luck! It sounds like it will be an amazing journey.

Dear Miss U, Last night, a friend told me that I made out with a male friend at a party around two months ago. She thought I knew – I had absolutely no recollection and didn’t even realize I’d been drunk enough to lose memory that night (she also said I was falling over, etc). I immediately told my boyfriend who immediately placed the blame on the guy, who knew I had a boyfriend and, in my boyfriend’s eyes, took advantage of me. My boyfriend isn’t upset with me at all. Part of me thinks he’s right because there’s no way I would ever have done this sober, but I’m also completely wrought with guilt and don’t know how to handle it… [read more: Guilty Little Feelings]
Dear Miss U, My boyfriend has Straight Talk so there are times where we don’t speak for at least a week because his phone gets shut off in between pay days. I’ve had separation anxiety since I was a baby and although I’m usually pretty good with it when I am able to speak to my boyfriend, I have trouble when his phone is turned off. How should I deal with my separation anxiety when I am unable to speak with him for a week? [read more: Anxiety and Depression]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.