Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half, and we love each other to bits! I am in Toronto (his home town) for university, meaning that I am traveling back to the other side of the country for the four months of summer. Doesn’t seem that bad, right? Wrong…
I feel like I am having a hard time controlling my emotions. I get so upset/hurt when he can’t answer me for long periods of time over text, or when he can’t phone call. Recently, he has cancelled our skype dates twice – because he is tired and overworked from an intense job.
Deep down, I know this is totally logical and that its okay, but I can’t help but get so emotional and feel hurt when he can’t make it. How can I cope with these emotions??
I don’t want to keep lashing out at him emotionally, because I know it’s starting to make him feel like his best isn’t good enough. Which it is – like I said, I love him to the moon and back. And I know he does his very best with me, so I suppose in this case the issue really is mine. But I also know it’s something that I need to learn to deal with, I just don’t know how…
I have always been more talkative and extroverted, so this behaviour is typical, but usually I’m consoled by the fact that I’ll see him the next day. But now, being across the country, it’s hard to console myself because I just feel far away. I miss him so badly – and he misses me too, he just doesn’t vocalize it as often. Please help me be more rational and cope properly.
~ Troubled in Toronto
Dear Troubled,
You’re already half way there because you recognize that this isn’t truly an issue with the relationship, rather it’s something personal that you need to work on. And you can. Firstly, keep yourself busy. When you have a lot of empty time it’s easier for the loneliness and boredom to set in and then the brooding is sure to follow; so fill up your days, reconnect with your family and friends. Go to the cinema, do some yoga in the park, read a book at a café. Don’t give yourself the chance to feel mopey. Next, work on a project for him. I’d recommend perhaps a journal – a long letter to him of your time apart. Add lots of photos from your adventures, pen your deepest emotions and your daydreams for the future. When you do this it will in some small way help you feel as though you have spoken to him, even though he hasn’t communicated back. You can write how much you miss him without the fear of sounding needy and clingy, and because you don’t have the expectation that he’ll reply you won’t check your phone in disappointment quite as much.
Another thing you can do is re-read (or even copy out) old text messages. Re-live the moments where he has expressed his feelings and remind yourself he still feels that way, even when he is too busy or tired to remind you himself.
Sometimes, probably more than you will like, you’re still going to get emotional and feel hurt irrationally. There’s not a lot you can do about that other than use your logic to remind yourself why there is no reason to feel that way and then go and do something fun to distract yourself.
Hey, so this is my second time in an LDR with the same guy and last time we broke up because my friends told me he was falling for this other girl. It broke my heart and when I asked him if it was true he said no and denied it a lot then said if I can’t trust him then we should break up. Long story short I’m back with him but last month (May,2013) we broke up again because I was moving, not as far as last time though. I’m skeptical on whether or not we should go back out because he’s practically begging me to do LD again. I’m kinda scared and really nervous because what if he falls for another girl again? Or what if I fall for someone else? Oh and sorry for not mentioning this earlier but I’m starting high school in a month and a half and we won’t be able to see each other again until high school is over. Thanks for your answers and help.
~ TroubledTeen
Dear Troubled Teen,
My first piece of advice for you is that your friends can’t tell you what your boyfriend is feeling. The only one who can tell you that is him, because he is the only one who knows. So until they see him actually cheating on you, there’s no reason to panic and dump him. If he says he’s not falling for someone else, then take his word for it. If you think he can’t be trusted, then he is right – you should not be together. Relationships don’t work without trust.
Another thing that stops relationships from working is falling back on breaking up every time something goes wrong. You need to work through your problems together, communicate and sort things out. Breaking up is the last resort, it is a good-bye, not a tool for manipulating each other or something you do because your girlfriends are speculating over his actions. You don’t do it because times are tough – you do it because there’s no way for the relationship to go forward, or because you make each other unhappy.
There is the risk you will grow apart, get bored or find yourselves attracted to other people but these are risks people face even when not in a long distance relationship. There is always going to be that risk – but if it wouldn’t stop you dating near-proximity, don’t let it stop you dating at a distance.
One thing you need to be aware of though, is long distance relationships are for people who are serious about each other. You’ve said you won’t be able to see each other again for many years. That’s going to be hard for both of you. I am 100% confident it can be done, I know people who have done it from such a young age and never wavered in their commitment, but what you have needs to be something really special to make that sacrifice worth it – so figure out if he is what you want in your future. Don’t date him just because he wants you to. Do it because you can’t imagine being with anyone else, even if you had to wait ten years to see him again.
