Miss You Issues: Gratitude & Attitude - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

This question is a bit personal, but I don’t know what else to do. My LDR is temporary (a 6-month study abroad term). We had counted on our sex life continuing naturally through Skype and etc, but every time we try it just makes both of us feel sad and even further apart than before. I don’t know how to stop both of us from comparing our long-distance intimacy to what it’s like being actually together.

Any advice for improving our current strategy, finding an alternative, or just altering the way we think about the distance?
Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

Good on you for not only having a plan in place to take care of this side of your relationship, but for also reaching out when that plan didn’t work.

My first point of call would be to think of some exciting things you can ONLY do long distance, that way you’re trying something new together rather than replacing something you’ve always done in person. For example, there are toys specifically designed for long-distance couples that wouldn’t be nearly as fun in a near-proximity relationship.

Role play can be fun too. If you’re into that, one of you can be a late-night-phone-sex-worker and the other person can play the nervous-teen-virgin or skeezy-drunk or whatever. Role play is always great for laughs, and laughter does have a place in a healthy sex life. You can even role play other couples in LDRs. There are a whole slew of professions that are said to be sexy that take one partner away from home; you can play out the fantasy of desperate phone-sex in public, or late-night call home from a hotel. You can even role play make-up sex and have fun playing out a ridiculous argument to build up that energy. If you’re not afraid to feel silly, role play holds many opportunities.

If that’s not your thing, perhaps bring the emphasis away from finishing together, and focus instead on foreplay. You can masturbate alone to scratch that itch, either using material your partner has sent, or not. It’s ok for masturbation to just be about an individual. It’s personal “I’m-caring-for-me” time that still deals with that pent up sexual frustration that LDRs often bring. Keep the attraction strong between you, compliment each other, send sexy messages – but cross the finish line alone. You can discuss with each other whether hearing about that is exciting or if you’d each rather not know each other’s self-care habits.

Beyond that, check your language, not just in the bedroom but in all your conversations. Change the tune to gratitude instead of letting yourselves be martyrs. Have less, “I’m so blessed to have you in my life,” and, “We’re so lucky to be doing an LDR in a time with easily accessible communication technology,” and less “Life is shit without you here.” Yes, it’s hard. You both know it’s hard. But you don’t need to reinforce the suck by focusing on it. Talk about why you’re happy, why you’d rather do this difficult thing with your SO than have an easy NPR with anyone else, and how this time in your lives is strengthening your bond. Find the silver lining and help your partner find it too.

Most things in life are directly affected by your attitude, so have a good one!

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I met in May 2017. We casually went out for a month or two and I told him I didn’t want anything serious since he was going into the Navy and I was leaving to go back to school. Well, that didn’t last long because the more we got to know each other, the more we realized how amazing our relationship was. After lots of praying and thinking, I made the decision to take the challenge and stay with him because the thought of losing him was scarier than the thought of being a military girlfriend. We were able to see each other about once a week from September-December when he left for boot camp. Now I get one letter a week (that’s all he gets to send) and I send him letters every day. I’ve been missing him of course, but all the sudden I found out he wrote a girl that I know is obsessed with him. I know he isn’t cheating on me, but he is rather trying to be nice to this insecure girl. Either way, it bothered me that he is putting effort into her which means less for me. I think it’s just the distance but this event and the fact he’s been gone for 6.5 weeks has really gotten to me. It makes me scared and I start questioning EVERYTHING and feel like I’m forgetting the good parts of him. Luckily I get to see him in a week. I just need to know, if I really loved him, would I ever question if this was a good idea?

Thank you,
Missin my Navy guy

Dear Missin,

If I understand correctly, he can only send one letter a week, and instead of writing to you he wrote to some random chick. I’d be upset about that too. Some weeks he might need to write his family instead, and that’s reasonable, but in my opinion, he should save that special time to connect with the people who need it most. He can always call her up or write to her during a time where he doesn’t have these restrictions. All I can think was that her constant letters were distressing him and he really wanted to just let her know he’s taken in the hopes she’d move along. Definitely, tell him how you feel about this so that it’s handled better if there’s a next time.

With that said, I think you’re overthinking it and worrying about a problem that isn’t there. Tell him how it made you feel, then stop chewing over something that can’t be changed, or all you will do is destroy what you love most.

You can love someone with all your heart and still question whether they are right for you. (And you can love someone completely wrong for you!) I remember standing in the bathroom once, drying off while Mr. E finished his shower. We weren’t married then, just dating, living together in his country and I was miserable. I hated everything about my life except him – sometimes I hated him too because he didn’t understand my depression and didn’t try to help me adapt to his country. I stood there asking myself if this was worth it, wishing beyond all else I could just stop loving him, knowing that it would never get easier – we might be together, but we would always be an international couple.

There have been many times I’ve forgotten why I like Mr. E. There have been times I’ve had to write a list of reasons why I chose to be with him, to help me remain strong. I’ve been utterly convinced we have nothing in common and cried myself to sleep wondering how we were going to make it.

And if my friend’s experiences are anything to go by, we’re totally normal.

Emotions are fluid; like water, they ebb and flow. Sometimes your cup runneth over, sometimes all you have is dregs. It’s ok. We don’t know what the future holds and it’s normal to be scared occasionally, but like I said to Disappointed above, practice gratitude and check your attitude – these are the things that will see you through to the end.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.