Dear Miss U,
Okay I never do this, but I am struggling with something and going to have to for the next 9 weeks. I am in college and my boyfriend goes to the same college, but at summer we are separated, which seems like no big deal, right? Normal. Well he lives all the way in Scotland, which is hard considering it is a completely different time zone, country, we can’t text or anything. Well this is the second summer he has been back home. He goes home at Christmas and Summer. This time I have been struggling a lot more with him being gone. When we do talk its maybe for a couple of hours, but it takes him 20 minutes to respond to anything I say. When I confront him about this and tell him it makes me feel kind of unimportant, he tells me that I am high maintenance and that I need to get a grip and when he is home he is going to hang out with his friends and family all of the time not talk to me. Which I don’t have a problem with him hanging out with his friends and family, but also shouldn’t there be time in there for me? Not just when he isn’t busy and finds time to talk to me? I mean am I just wasting my time wanting something to work that maybe he just doesn’t? We have talked about plans to get married things like that so I know it is serious, or am I just over reacting? I really need help/advice/clarity!! PLEASE!
~Anna Jane
Dear Anna Jane,
Nine weeks is a long time – Long enough that he does need to contact you! He shouldn’t just be disappearing – so I feel for you, but I think that you may be over reacting. It’s hard to only see your friends and family twice a year, so of course while he’s there he’s going to give them all his attention. It’s also likely that the times he is available to talk to you you’re asleep or at work/school because of the time difference.
You didn’t mention how often you’ve been expecting to talk with him, but if it’s every day or even every second, you’re probably expecting too much. It would be nice if he wanted to take that time out for you, but it’s perfectly reasonable if he doesn’t want to.
The quality of his calls will be better if he’s not distracted; so when he’s on holiday let him call you when he can. It’s not at all about whether he wants your relationship to work or not – it’s about him maintaining his relationships with the people he left behind. Sometimes to maintain our relationships and show our partners we care, we have to give them space. We have to let them be free, even though we miss them terribly.
Know that when the role is reversed and you’re away, he needs to be able to respect these same limits and can’t be expecting you to check in or any of that nonsense either. Additionally as your relationship deepens and you do progress toward marriage, the rules will shift and he will have a greater obligation to talk to you when he goes home, or ideally, arrange that you can go too.
Dear Miss U,
I met him on the net, and we have been strong since then, it was in January. We try to see each other at least every 2-3 weeks; a month has been the longest. We are 225 miles apart.
He is really a great guy, very trustworthy and so committed. We have a lot of fun when we are together. The thing is that he wants to be married and he feels that he knows that I am the one for him, and I believe that we could have a great life together. The problem is that I have been on my job for 10 years and am expecting my first grandbaby in 2.5 months. My daughter is 19 and doesn’t want to leave her baby’s father. I have been looking for job prospects in his area, but with the economy, it makes me a little hesitant. He is so sure that everything will work out great and I really am kinda looking forward to a new start, but How much time do I a lot for this move? I don’t think he can really understand how much I would really have to give up to move, because he’s not the one moving. We talked about him moving, but I really do love his location. It’s only an hour from Panama City, Fl and they have a great school system for my teens. He’s really pushing for Oct. of this year; how do I ask him to just back off a bit, and what would be a reasonable time for me to ask him to wait. I really love this man and i know that he loves me too, my kids are so excited about the move, but i guess it’s just jitters.
~ Mikela
Dear Mikela,
It’s prickly, because you don’t want to come off as though you are rejecting him, but it’s perfectly understandable that you’d desire more time. I think it would be reasonable to ask if you could make the move date to, say, oh I don’t know, January? This way you have dated for a year, you’ve had a better amount of time to really get to know each other. It coincides with your anniversary, thus can be passed off as romantic and sentimental, and it’s the beginning of the year – a nice tidy date for a big change like this.
This would give you more time to find a job in his area that will make you happy and most importantly, you will be there for the early months of the baby’s life when your daughter is going to need every ounce of support and help she can get. I’ve noticed that when you’re about to become a mother, the person you see to need the most is your mother! The one thing we can’t get back is time; try to make him understand that this time in the mother and baby’s lives – and yours – is a huge thing.
We always tell our daughters that a man who isn’t willing to wait isn’t worth her time, and I don’t think that ever stops being true. Five months is not a long time to have been together, and it’s not a lot to base a big life change upon.
Is there another step forward you can make together that isn’t moving? Perhaps a joint savings account so that you can work together on having the resources (and fall-back resources in case something goes wrong) for the move or even a wedding? Or perhaps he can compromise and agree to temporarily move to you so that you have the experience of living together and progressing your relationship, but he will also gain a greater understanding of what you will be giving up, and he’ll be involved in a major event in your life as well.
