Dear Miss U,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. Just recently he went away for college. We’re still in the same state just different cities. I know some people wouldn’t really consider that long distance but to me it is because we don’t see each other; only on breaks which he can’t even make all the time.
Well, this spring break he came down and we were hanging out. Make a long story short, he fell asleep so I went through his phone. Turns out, he’s cheating on me. He tells me that this is a sign and he’s been trying to find a way to tell me & this is it. He says the long distance is too hard for him but he loves me and he’s so sorry. I know he is but do I forgive him? Is this something we can work out? I don’t trust him now and it’s so hard. I don’t want to give up and let this home wrecker take what’s mine. I love my boyfriend to death. And I’m trying to forgive him but I can’t help but think of what he’s done to me. He says it’s not that he’s unhappy with me he’s unhappy with the distance. Help me please.
Sincerely,
Madly In Love
Dear Madly In Love,
She’s not a home wrecker. He cheated on you. That makes him the home wrecker. It’s entirely possible she doesn’t know you exist and would be just as hurt as you are if she knew he has someone waiting back home. Don’t go shifting the blame to her, taking the easy way out on this. No matter how sexy you are, no matter how alluring, no matter what you’re wearing… you cannot make a man cheat on his girlfriend against his will. It’s that simple.
Additionally, you don’t own him. He’s not something that can be “stolen” I’m only mentioning this because it’s a common theme among people who cheat. They don’t want to think of their partners as “the bad guy” so they focus on the third party. Unless she’s some crazy misguided ex who’s snuck into his dorm and injected him with Caverject he’s going to have to own the responsibility for his infidelity. It’s not her fault and you need to keep that in mind while you decide how to proceed.
Personally, I’m all for second chances, within reason. Did he cheat once, a one night stand from a party that he completely regrets and has had no further contact with, or is it an ongoing affair? Because I could excuse a onetime drunken heist as an accident, but if he’s doing it repeatedly or keeping her around for a round two, you’ve got to know he’s had the time to think it over. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s doing it deliberately.
The next question would be, is your long distance situation at an end? Because he’s told you he can’t handle it. If it’s too hard for him and he’s gotten away with cheating on you once, I can’t think of a single reason he wouldn’t just do it again and be more careful to hide it.
I’m also hesitant because you say “just recently” he’s gone away for college. To me it sounds like you barely let him out of your sight before he decided to go sample some local wares.
Going only from the information you’ve provided here and my gut instinct, there’s no way in hell I’d be giving this guy a second chance; but if you choose to, know that forgiveness and rebuilding the trust will take time. It’s not something that will happen overnight, and even with the best intentions you may find you can’t recover what you lost. My best advice to avoid this happening in future is to talk it over and work out a strategy that you’re both comfortable with to address the needs he feels aren’t being fulfilled by your relationship at the present time, because if the issues aren’t resolved, this will continue to occur.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend is my best friend in every sense of the word. He never fails to be there for me even though he’s 300 miles away and can only see me approximately every two months for a day or so. The problem is we both live very busy college lives filled with classes, his ROTC, my sorority and volunteer program, and friends. We started dating in high school, and I want nothing more than to make this work, but my anxiety and depression make it hard to cope with him not being near me or being able to talk all the time. I don’t blame him when he doesn’t talk to me, but sometimes it leads to nights where I end up very upset, and we have to spend a lot of time talking it out. We’re both extremely committed to this, and he’s understanding that I’m always scared that I won’t be enough and things like that from my past and depression and anxiety. What can I/we do to help lessen the stress on our relationship/me?
Meghan
Dear Meghan,
Don’t be afraid to reach out to him when the going gets tough. You might not be able to talk for long, but he’s always there for you. A few words of comfort or even a text message could be all you need to turn those nights around. Failing that, re-read old messages or letters he has sent you, listen to uplifting music, go for a walk or call a positive friend/relative.
Also, make a list of all the reasons you’re a fantastic girlfriend. Everything from “I’m loyal” to “I don’t complain when he leaves the seat up” Work on recognizing your own self-worth and be kind to yourself.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend moved to Holland (from the UK) in January to do his Masters on a 2 year course. I’m incredibly proud of him for getting onto his course and have been to see him a couple of times out there already.
We keep in contact everyday whether it’s through Skype or e-mailing, the only thing is I’m going to Australia in April for 4 months to go traveling. I’m really excited about this but am absolutely terrified about what effect this is going to have on my relationship.
I love my boyfriend more than anything else in the world and he is so pro me going to Australia to experience it (he went when he was 18 and had an amazing time) and I really appreciate him supporting me. I’m just scared of how we’re going to be able to cope not speaking to each other every day whilst I’m traveling…
It’s already tough enough with him living 300 miles away, but I’m going to be on the other side of the world…
I don’t really know what I’m asking for… just some advice I think, do you think an LDR can work when the distance increases by a significant amount halfway through the relationship?
S
Dear S,
To me, if you have distance you have distance. The amount doesn’t really make that much of a difference, excepting for the change of time zones. You still can’t see each other very often if at all, you still have to make time to talk, you still miss each other like crazy. Whilst you probably won’t manage to have contact every single day, most hotels have internet that you can use; McDonald’s, Starbucks and other fast food places also have free WiFi. If you have a smart phone you should still be able to tap into this even without international roaming.
And of course there are always post cards! He can’t write back, but he will no doubt love that you’ve thought of him no matter where you are, so send many. Keep him involved in your life and your trip.
Yes, you can definitely make this work!
Enjoy your holiday.
