Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I got together 6 months ago. He actually lives in the same town as my sisters and some of my best friends so we have a lot of friends in common. I fly to visit him pretty often and in the past six months since we’ve been together (the relationship started online) we’ve seen each other on about 4 occasions.
He was extremely close to his grandmother, who actually lived in the same country that I do. He’s told me that she was more of a mother to him than his own mother, so her recent death I interpret as the same intensity of losing a mother. How do I support him?
Recently, I’ve noticed that he’s been pretty withdrawn even before her death. Now I’m thinking that it may have been him grieving from then because her death was expected (she died of cancer and has been bedridden). So our relationship has been a little strained because I feel like the communication between us isn’t there.
He is the type to recoil and not share anything. I’ve told him many times that I’m here for him (before the death) and he’s never opened up about anything.
I am totally lost. I love him. I feel like our relationship is slipping. I want to be what he needs… but I can’t even hug him! Help!
PS I go to visit him in a month.
– Worried GF
Dear Worried,
It is really thoughtful of you to seek advice, support and education on this issue.
All people grieve differently, and you are right, often when we know someone is dying the grief starts then. It’s a long painful process. I think the length is actually the hardest part for those who support a grieving partner; because it’s too easy for the non-grieving spouse to forget that this dark shadow is with their partner all the time. A year from now, it’s likely he will still be grieving. Two years from now there will still be pain. Five years from now he might still wake up in the middle of the night with tears on his face, and he will need you to comfort him.
The best advice I have is not to give up on him, and not to make him feel like he should ‘just get over it already’. Be prepared to take care of yourself for a while. In the first flushes of grief (the first six months to a year) people tend to withdraw, become selfish and even wallow in some bitter resentment. It’s likely he won’t have a lot of energy to show you that he loves you or appreciates what you do for him. It’s going to be a little lop-sided for a while.
Perhaps you can get him to open up to you by telling stories about his childhood with her. Help him focus on his good memories, not on her death. If he is religious, there might be holy days you can celebrate with him to help ease his grief (for example, All Souls Day, Samhain). Also look out for important dates for his family that might trigger deeper grief. Birthdays, large family holidays like thanksgiving or Christmas, and the anniversary of her death are going to be tough for him in the years to come.
While you are visiting him, perhaps you can select a tree from a nearby nursery and plant it in her honor. You can even make a sign for the tree, decorate it with things that would be meaningful to her or leave offerings of her favorite foods.
As hard as it is, he may never open up to you about her or his pain. He might stay withdrawn for a long while, and you won’t know if you’re giving the needed support or not. You can only do your best. Remind him that you love him, that you think of him, that while you might not be able to understand the depth of his pain, you’d give anything to relieve it. You’re only a phone call away.
Besides that all you can do is be strong and carry this relationship on your shoulders alone until he finds himself again.
My heart goes out to you.
Hi, I’m Yusi
My boyfriend and I have been dating about two years now. I love him and I know he loves me, but the thing is that our relationship has been off and on because we live so far apart. We did date once in middle school (I’m in my second year of high school) for a couple of months then we stopped and I moved way. We didn’t talk of contact each other for a year after I moved. Then we met again through Facebook, we started out as friends and somehow I fell for him again. He also got interested and we went out, but not long enough the relationship ended. We became friends instead, then after months we couldn’t hide our feelings and start a relationship. Now, we’re dating again but I’m scared that we might end our relationship yet again. We do talk over Skype now that he made me one, but I’m not on as much as I would like to because of work and school taking over my life. We do send each other e-mails and he tells he loves me every day. So is it okay for a relationship to go on and off?
Dear Yusi,
It’s very common for relationships to have an on-off phase, especially in their early years and under the circumstances you mentioned. Obviously, the whole relationship can’t be that way or it doesn’t really work (especially if marriage or children become involved) but having a history like yours does not mean your relationship is doomed.
Talk to him. Tell him that you want this relationship to be solid, a priority. That you want the on-again-off-again thing to be in the past. That you’re ready to make this work even when it gets hard or boring or whatever. And then stop worrying, and enjoy the love you have together, because really, it’s a good sign that you keep being drawn towards each other and a relationship, even if it’s not what you though you wanted.
