Dear Miss U,
I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 months. We were loving and sweet at the start to each other and talked quite often. But now his attention seems to always be elsewhere. For quite a while now he has been spending the entire day playing games with his friends, now I have no problem with him spending time with his friends but 4-5 days in a row of just that is getting me frustrated. I miss him a lot, I miss talking to him and Skyping like we used too. We used to Skype all the time but now he seems to always refuse when I ask if we can. He is still loving at times though. Just this morning he sent me a message before he went to school saying “I hope you are sleeping well my love. I love you so much <3” It got to me at 3am because of the time difference but we talked for like 5-10 minutes after that and he was so sweet. But when he got home the first thing that he did was go to play a game with his friends, he talks to me every now and then. Like one message in an hour or two sometimes less. It’s not like I want him to spend every last waking hour with me or anything like that. And I encourage him spending time with his friends every now and then. But I miss him terribly. I want to be able to see him and talk to him through video chat which he has refused too for a while, and whenever we do talk I try to start up a conversation and he answers with one word and never seems to try to start the conversation. I don’t know whether I should confront him or just hope it changes.
Liz
Dear Liz,
“Confront” is such a horrible word; and one that suggests he has done something wrong when he hasn’t. When you talk about this with him, which eventually you will need to because hoping things change tends to be futile, you will need to have a calm discussion as equals – not a confrontation. Do you see where I’m going with this?
The things that concern me about this situation are 1) He seems to be losing interest at the very start of the relationship 2) Your version of talking “every now and then” is vastly different from what I personally think is normal and acceptable for a relationship in the same stage as yours.
It doesn’t sound to me like he is losing interest in you, it sounds like he’s a normal 16 year old guy who doesn’t talk for the sake of talking. He might also be feeling a little smothered by the constant contact. I would strongly recommend agreeing to back off on the text messages in exchange for a Skype call once a day. Unless something is really important, save it for your conversation and try not to text more than three times a day. If the time with his friends is uninterrupted time, he’s more likely to miss you and want to have quality communication with you, while if he feels like he’s always checking his phone that might give him a false sense of having been in constant contact with you, lowering his inclination to give you the kind of communication you need.
If possible, you should also discuss a way you can spend time together that isn’t just talking. Find something to do together that is fun and engaging for both of you, and you’re guaranteed to get more of his time.
Try to find a compromise where both of you are happy, and then if two months after you have this conversation nothing changes, then I would seriously consider moving on as he may not be ready or willing to have the depth of relationship and level of interaction you need.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend been acting distant ever since we made our relationship official. Before, we would talk everyday. But now we only talk if I do first. I’ve spoken to him about it over and over but he’ll change for just a few days. What can I do for better communication from him? One day for the very first time he asked me if I loved him instead of just telling me that he loves me first. What could it mean? Could he have fear of rejection or fear of something else? I want him to open up to me. I want to get closer to him. What should I do? I sometimes wonder if he even loves me. Would he ask me if I loved him if he didn’t? I’m confused.
Thanks in advance.
Keke
Dear Keke,
It’s never good to have to fall back on guesswork – you need to just ask him what’s going on and how he feels. It’s possible he seems distant just because he has become comfortable, or it could be something more dire. There’s no way to know unless he actually tells you.
For better communication I recommend looking at how the two of you communicate. Perhaps he would feel more comfortable talking without a web cam, for example, or maybe he doesn’t like texting and prefers to IM. Often it’s the mode of communication that is the issue, not the relationship. Ask him “What can I do to receive a better level of communication from you?” It might mean communicating at a different time of day, or it might mean branching out the subjects that are being discussed to keep the conversations engaging. Just be honest with each other, and prepared to hear a few hard answers. Not everyone needs the same level of communication – but relationships are about getting both people’s needs met, so focus on that, focus on helping each other out rather than taking anything personally.
Personally, when I feel insecure I ask Mr. E “Do you still love me?” I ask because I don’t at that time feel loved, even though my brain knows that I am. I seek reassurance, kind words or some other display of affection. Of course I don’t know if your SO and I share any similar qualities, but I would take it to mean he feels insecure or needy.
If you want him to open up and get closer to you, you need to reassure him that you are interested in knowing him better and over time prove to him that it’s safe for him to do so. Gradually, as he confides in you and you support him without flipping out like a movie-girlfriend, he will know he can trust you to love him as he is and not make him regret showing his vulnerable side. It’ll take time and patience, but you have your whole lives ahead of you.
