Miss You Issues: Guilty Little Feelings | Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My 1-year boyfriend and I are currently halfway through a 6-month temporary LDR. Last night, a friend told me that I made out with a male friend at a party around two months ago. She thought I knew - I had absolutely no recollection and didn't even realize I'd been drunk enough to lose memory that night (she also said I was falling over, etc). I immediately told my boyfriend who immediately placed the blame on the guy, who knew I had a boyfriend and, in my boyfriend's eyes, took advantage of me. My boyfriend isn't upset with me at all. Part of me thinks he's right because there's no way I would ever have done this sober, but I'm also completely wrought with guilt and don't know how to handle it. Even drunk enough to totally lose control/judgment, I'm devastated that I could do something like that and almost wish my boyfriend was mad because I feel like I deserve it. How can I recover from this?

Guilty

Dear Guilty,

Sometimes we do something stupid, and have a really crap experience, and all we can do is learn from it and move on. Clearly you don’t handle your alcohol half as well as you might have thought, and you need to adjust accordingly. So in future, you’ll drink less at parties, remembering to have a small glass of water between each alcoholic beverage, and hopefully, your female friend, knowing now that you’re not a cheater at heart, will be willing to step in if she sees someone taking advantage of you.

I’m with your boyfriend on this one. Women should have the right to party without the fear of being disrespected, taken advantage of or outright abused, but much of the time we’re not safe to do so. You’re not to blame, the alcohol is not to blame and this other guy isn’t your friend.

This doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s good that you feel guilty because that helps you learn but beyond that, give thanks that nothing worse happened, drink more responsibly, and make sure your drinking buddy knows your boundaries and will step in (just as you should do for her!)

The shock and self-loathing will wear off in time.

Be kind to yourself.

Dear Miss U,

I've had long distance relationships before, but I've never had one this serious. I'm completely head over heels for my boyfriend, but recently I've been finding myself developing "crushes" and having dreams about other people. I don't think that there's anything inherently wrong with our relationship, it's just missing the "spark" that lasts the first few months. I haven't cheated on him and absolutely never would, but I'm not quite sure what to do or how to handle my crushes.

Kat

Dear Kat,

How you deal with these crushes is going to be hugely dependent on who you are as an individual, but you can start by re-focusing that energy. If you feel flirty, pick up your phone and text your partner with whatever naughty thoughts you were directing at your crush. The grass is greener where you water it, so make sure you’re sending your efforts to the right person and it will pay off – plus this is way more fun than just ignoring the feeling until it goes away.

Other ways to get it out of your system can be through role-playing with your partner (obviously you’re not going to be like, “I’m calling you Patrick tonight because I have a crush on the boy in the produce department,” but you might be able to role play a scene of getting it on in the cool room, for example,) or going back through your memories and focusing on the early stages of your relationship to fan those flames back into life.

Reasoning with yourself can be useful too. Yeah, Mr. Crush is hot, but just like your boyfriend, he’s bound to have his share of annoying habits, quirky family members, weird superstitions, or who knows what else. And, if you did get with him? In a few months, he wouldn’t be new and exciting anymore either.

It’s not always an enjoyable transition, but that slide from exciting into secure is an important part of your relationship. In the beginning, love is just a feeling. Later on, it becomes a choice, and there’s true beauty in choosing to love him again each and every day.

If you feel like a crush may escalate or get out of hand, cut contact with that person for the sake of your relationship, but otherwise, look for ways to harness that fresh energy and channel it back into the love you already have.

Dear Miss U, I had cheated on my girlfriend over 2 yrs ago. I am not defending my actions, but I was unaware she had considered us to be together as boyfriend and girlfriend at the time. I apologized over and over again. She cheated on me to get back at me and show me how it feels. I was crushed and heartbroken. I have forgiven her for her actions, as she did it to show me how badly I hurt her. I’ve written her multiple page apology letters, bought her little gifts, tried to set her mind at ease and she just won’t forgive me. [read more: The Unforgivable]
Dear Miss U, My boyfriend and I dated for 6 months and then he had to leave to another country for work and we decided to do LDR. I love him with all of me. We had a lot of issues about happiness. I met a guy and we hung out a couple of times and the third time, we kissed and had oral sex. It was the worst experience of my life because the only other time I have done that was with my boyfriend and it was intimate and lasted forever. But with this guy it was just a quick way for him to get off… [read more: A Sense Of Justice]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.