Miss You Issues: Having Sext? - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I met someone pretty incredible in September of 2016. I was on my way back to Ontario from Victoria BC. We started talking when I was on the ferry. He’s from Seattle. We clicked right away. We booked a trip to Vegas. And we’ve been inseparable. I’ve been to Seattle 3 times. We went back to Vegas. He came here. We’ve been to Detroit, Niagara Falls.

We use to spend a lot of time on the phone between meetings. Since I came back to Ontario a month ago, something has changed and I can’t figure it out. I’m insecure and can’t get past it. We have made so many incredible memories together. He says he cares and we’ll figure it out. But his disappearing without any kind of peace of mind. Makes me worry.

I’ve even crossed the line and opened a fake Facebook account and he bit! I was super pissed off! He won’t let me go… wants to hang on. But yet won’t put the effort into spending the time with me he used too. I’m going nuts. Why would he purposely want to hang on to me even though I caught him with a fake Facebook account wanting to start a life with another girl? He’s keeping me at arm’s length and he knows what he’s doing. But continues to play these games. What the hell is he doing???

I can’t take it. I’m trying to let him go. I’ve blocked him, I’ve tried. His little games started over night. And the past three weeks have been hell. He literally ignored me. Two days I begged for his attention. When I said fine I’m done, can’t do this, and blocked him, he went nuts as if he was scared to lose me.

I don’t know what’s going on.
Angela

Dear Angela,

I don’t know what is going on either, but I do know you are both much too old to be playing silly games like these; it’s a heart not a basketball.

Personally, I think he has proven that he’s untrustworthy and that he doesn’t see you as an equal – an individual – but rather as an accessory… an object to be acted upon when he feels like it. I’d be running for the hills!

Trust your intuition on this one. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

Dear Miss U,

Hi! I need help. Or at least tell someone what I did.

I used to be in a LDR. We didn’t last long but we somehow kept being “friends” and it’s been almost 3 years now. A year ago, I told him I would like to try it again. He said he loved me but just not that way. So I accepted and finally moved on. Until recently when our conversations started to get spicy. We sexted last night.

What I fear is that he might have just gotten what he wanted and disappear. I’m scared, he could have any girl there but he still says that if he wanted to take advantage of someone he would do it with someone near him. There’s no point in doing it with someone far away.

He dated other girls after me. What if this girl appears again and says that she wants him back. Would he go with her?

I’m scared.

Should I stop?

We both know we like each other, but he has borderline, major reason why we are taking the “coming back together” title slow. But we sexted last night! That’s not slow! We didn’t even sext when we were together (mostly because I was very young).

And he is the type of guy who tells you, “I love you,” almost every second of the day, but we when were done sexting not even an, “I love you.” He might have been tired but… I don’t know.

So yeah. My head is a mess. I’d really like advice. Thank you very much.

Lizzie

Hi Lizzie,

One of the hardest things for me to understand when I was your age is that not everyone has the same emotional attachment to sex. I was raised with the age-old “you should only have sex with someone you love” and “boys only want one thing” both of which I think are bullshit as a grown woman.

Sex (and all the things that fall under that banner such as sexting, foreplay, eating out, blowjobs, rim jobs, mutual masturbation, intercourse, etc.) and love are not synonymous. They are not different words for the same thing. Not all the sex you have in your life will be “making love” because sometimes sex is just an action. A fun activity. Just because someone likes you enough and feels secure enough with you to do sexual things doesn’t mean that they love you.

I want you to know that your body belongs to you and you can do whatever you want with it that gives you pleasure (within the law). There’s nothing wrong with sexting. There’s no reason to be ashamed or scared. It’s great that you’re learning things about your body and sexual desires, and I hope in your sexting adventure he treated you respectfully and made you feel like the goddess that you are. He might not love you, and in your life you might have sexual encounters with people you don’t love just for the fun of it too, and that’s ok as long as your sexcapades are safe, sane, and consensual.

It’s important to be on the same page and to do that you have to talk to your partner. I often find myself saying, “If you can’t talk about sex you shouldn’t be having it.” Ask him what this encounter meant to him. Get feedback. I can’t tell you what he is thinking and feeling, but if he feels safe enough he sure can.

Try not to worry so much and to enjoy these exciting new experiences.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.