Dear Miss U,
I’ve been in a relationship with a girl I met online, she lives in Canada and I live in England. We’ve never met in person but we’re really close, or at least we were. The distance has always been a huge issue that we’ve struggled to talk about and we’ve both been made very upset by the fact that we may not meet for a while. I’ve very recently had the courage to tell my parents about her and they were surprisingly okay with it, even suggesting she came down. Needless to say we were both beyond happy that seeing each other in person was closer to happening. That was until she told her parents. Her parents have pretty much said flat out no to any online relationship, I wrote a letter handwritten that I sent over in a photo to show the parents I wasn’t anyone who meant their daughter harm, they dismissed it. There are a lot of personal things going on in her life and she seems to be sad all the time, there’s nothing I can do to make her happy anymore. Is there anything I can do?
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
It makes me sad that as an adult woman her parents even have a say in this. Overall, it sounds a lot like this has nothing to do with you, though it is inevitably putting strain on the relationship. I feel that the best you can do is talk to her and ask her what you can do. If she says “nothing” ask her what she dreams of, because often there is something you can do but she might feel it’s too much to ask or just not possible. Encourage her to open up and give you some ideas.
As much as I hate the out-dated double-standard, you might need to visit her first. A lot of parents still expect that of the guy, and whilst I don’t agree with it sometimes you need to take the path of least resistance to get what you want.
I can also tell you that being international really isn’t that big of a deal. Yes, it’s an extra complication. Yes it costs more money. Yes visas feel like they take forever. But it can be done, and other couples are doing it –closing the distance even! – every day. There’s no reason your relationship will fail based on your birth countries so don’t let that be a stumbling block for your relationship. Try to be a couple dealing with distance rather than a long-distance couple; that is to say, don’t let the distance define your relationship. It is a temporary factor, nothing more.
At the moment, with so much going on in her life, she might need you to carry the relationship for a while. That’ll mean a lot of effort on your part for not much reward in the short term. Try to give her reasons to smile without asking anything back from her. Surprise her with your thoughtfulness. Don’t just tell her you understand, show her. You might not be able to make her happy – but you certainly have the power to give her something to cling to each day that made it suck less than if you hadn’t been in her life.
Dear Miss U,
I am with a girl I love with my entire heart. Now she is in Canada and makes a lot of new friends and goes to parties with them. I am very jealous and have anxieties about she might go cheating. Although she said she would never do that to me and I off-course trust her, but still…… What should I do? And I also can’t get her out of my head. I keep thinking about her and it really kills my heart and my social life. What should I do to get my head free? (I already have a busy life with work, hobbies and study but still keep thinking about her). Fortunately I have saved enough money to visit her in 5 weeks from now. And after I have visited her (I will stay there for 10 days) she will still be there for 2 months. What should I do?
Best regards,
Boaz
P.S:
Sorry for the bad English I am not a native speaker
Dear Boaz,
If someone is going to cheat they will find a way to do it, regardless of parties, or alcohol, or attractiveness or physical proximity to their partner. Some people live with their partner, have sex every day and STILL go out and cheat. Other people aren’t built like that. Other people know right from wrong, remove themselves from temptation when it arises and are so happy to have found love that they don’t feel any desire to be with another person no matter how good-looking, funny or smart that new friend is.
Basically, if you trust her, you trust her. That’s it. There’s no “I trust her but not them…” because it takes two people to have an affair. If she is trustworthy, no affair will happen, plain and simple. It takes two, so forget all those unknown new friends and believe in your partner. Remember also that if something – God forbid – does happen between her and another person against her consent that is not her fault, that is not cheating, and she would need your full support not ridicule. (I shouldn’t need to say this at all, but with rape culture being rampant I feel the need to point it out!)
As for thinking about her constantly, there isn’t a whole lot you can do there other than be grateful you have someone you love so much. Perhaps direct those thoughts toward some kind of surprise for her or your plans for the future, particularly if your thoughts begin to take a paranoid turn.
Remember always that it isn’t our place to control our partners and we do not get to choose their friends. Love is giving respect, freedom, trust and support. Love is letting each other be individuals.
Enjoy your visit! It might help to have something planned for just after you return home, something big and fun that you can look forward to.
Lastly, if your thoughts are out of control, look into meditation. I know it sounds like this weird time-wasting thing that only hippies do, but it truly is a useful discipline that will give you the tools you need to be the master of your own consciousness.
