He’ll Get Bored and Leave

Hi Layla,

I’m glad you’ve picked up a question book; those are always great conversation starters.

So, a few things: Couples need deep conversations the whole relationship through. Dating is a great time to establish that, but the hard work doesn’t stop at marriage. Secondly, it’s not up to you alone to carry the conversation. You’re not an acrobat, it’s not your job to entertain him. If he’s bored with the conversation, I’m going to assume he’s man enough to do something about it rather than walking away. What’s that saying? If you’re bored then you’re boring? Something like that.

Another thing to note is that it isn’t the length of a conversation that matters. Some people talk shit for hours but never solve their problems, while other people talk a whole lot less and just get to the point, so the clock isn’t the best measuring stick by which to judge your relationship. Pay attention to what medium you’re talking with, too. Generally, you can communicate a lot more content via voice than you can over text messages, even if you’re a fast typist. So whilst some couples do spend hours a day chatting, they might only be getting in an hour worth of content interspersed by whatever else they are doing. Which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with! The first four or more years of my relationship with Mr. E were entirely text-based and we turned out fine. It’s just something to consider.

With all that in mind, the best way to start a conversation is with questions, but don’t fall into the trap of asking questions just to be talking. The connection you are trying to build will feel flat and fake if you’re not listening to hear. You need to want to know his answers. Some people ask questions because they are waiting for the chance to voice their opinion. Don’t be that person.

I feel like I’m always saying this, but as humans we tend to return to the people and things that make us feel good. We like fun. We like feeling respected, valued and loved. We want to have a good time, thus fun is the glue that holds your relationship together. Love is great. Love is a deep need we have to meet. Love pulls us through when we hardly think we can survive. But with love can come duty and pressure. Love is often work. Fun? We need that too, but society doesn’t focus as hard on it. Society tells us to work until we drop, marry well, buy expensive things and have children. But it’s the fun and the arts that make us feel alive.

That’s where I recommend you put your energy. Keep it fun. Don’t just focus on talking, focus on having fun together and the conversation will naturally flow from that. If most of the time he hangs up the phone and feels good after sharing his energy with you, he will keep coming back. That isn’t to say you shouldn’t ask hard questions and dig deeply into heavy topics, you still need to do those things! But if you are worried specifically about him getting bored and moving on, don’t focus on having long conversations, put your effort into having enjoyable conversations.

Beyond that, you can find great conversation topics in the news and on the radio. Stay up to date on world events and discuss them with him. You will learn important things about each other, and you'll show him that you’re a smart worldly individual.

Talk about your day. So many people come to me saying they have nothing to talk to their partners about, but they don’t actually share their lives with their partners, because to them their lives are boring. Unless you never leave the house, you have no friends or family, no job or study, and you don’t have any hobbies, you will always have something to talk about. Your life is boring to you because you live it, but to other people it’s a fascinating window into a different world. Talk about your day to day stuff. Flesh out the characters in your world. Tell that funny work story, or recount what the old lady said to you on the bus. Start living mindfully in your day, paying attention to what happens, and you will catch plenty of shareable snippets. Ask him to share his too, even if he thinks you won’t be interested. Generally, things are interesting if someone you’re interested in is sharing them!

I touched on this already, but don’t just talk. Expand your conversation time so that you are doing things together. If you both read the same genre you can buddy read a book, or even read it to each other. You can have a night a week where you watch a show together and talk about it afterward. You can even do something as simple as play Pokemon Go together. Sharing a hobby strengthens your bond and gives you something to talk about. To further that, as you met on a religious dating site, I can assume you have the same beliefs. Why not take time to worship together?

Lastly, it’s still really early days for you two. It doesn’t need to be full-on talking-all-night kind of stuff from the very beginning. You’re basically strangers at this point. Give it time for something to grow.