He’s all-in, she’s got cold feet.

Dear Daniel,

I hate gender stereotypes but generally women do message their ‘good friends’ every day. I have a few such friends. It’s not uncommon for women to let people in very close to them. Additionally, I find there are two broad groups of people on the internet: The super cautious ‘everyone will steal my identity’ type and the ridiculously honest ‘I’ll never meet these people in real life anyway’ type.

I tell you this because two months is nothing to go by. I’ve been talking to one of my ‘good online friends’ every day since last October, and though we’ve shared some deep dark secrets and have a lot in common, I’d still consider us closer to strangers than partners.

That’s not to say the things you’re feeling aren’t real; they are. The connection between you is there and it’s wonderful. You’re building a solid foundation of trust and friendship – things you need for a serious long-term commitment. But it’s only been a couple of months!

Her telling you that she needs time to get used to your personality is just that. You do seem like a very full-on, heart-on-the-sleeve kind of guy and that’s wonderful, but that kind of intensity can be scary for more reserved people. She might also wonder how you can be compatible long term, and this is your opportunity to show her how. Let her see that you respect her, that you can slow down, that you won’t use your strong personality to push her into things she’s not ready for.

No matter how intense it feels, it hasn’t even been a whole season! Even if you have done nothing but talk in that time, you’re still basically strangers. She needs time (months, maybe year or more) to see that what you’re showing her is the real you, not an act. She needs time to get comfortable with you so she knows in her soul she isn’t just a novelty. Time needs to run it’s course so infatuation can deepen into love.

So yes, maybe you’re getting ahead of yourself a little, or expecting too much too quick. But keep listening to her and trying to see things from her point of view. You’re doing a great job. If you give this relationship time and care it will flourish into the commitment you’re imagining. In the meantime, please remember that ‘friend’ is not an insult. It’s the start of something amazing.

Dear Saiyan,

It’s 2020, she doesn’t owe you anything. You don’t deserve her body. Her nudes. Her sexy voice on the phone. Nothing. Consent is this huge thing, but I’m going to take a moment and condense it because it could save your relationship, if not this one, a future one.

Mis-matched libido is very normal. I’d go as far to say it’s rare that for a couple to have matching libidos, and if they do at one point in their relationship I’ll guarantee it won’t be that way the whole time. People seem to think a relationship is about having sex on tap. Whenever you’re ‘thirsty’ you just go to your partner and they are obligated to ‘quench’ that thirst. But it doesn’t work like that. Not when you’re long distance. Not when you’re near proximity. Not when you’re married. Never.

If your partner isn’t comfortable with something sexual and you push them into it, either physically or by arguing or by guilting them, that’s abuse. That’s rape. If at any point your partner expresses discomfort, you stop. That’s how to be a decent human 101. If you do not have your girlfriend’s ENTHUSIASTIC consent, you don’t proceed. If she doesn’t want to send you sexts, cool. If she doesn’t want to give you a blow job, cool. If she’s asexual and never wants to have sex with you at all, cool. That’s her right. It’s her body. She doesn’t owe you any part of it, whether you’ve been dating ten minutes or ten years. So just scrub that shit out of your brain right now.

2 years and 9 months is a long time and I feel for you. LDR is hard. But at the same time, I relate a lot to her. It took my husband four years to get me to use a webcam. Four damn years! And before we got that far, he would be on camera for me with just me typing in return. Or he would use voice chat and I’d type my replies. When we did start using cameras and microphones, I couldn’t do both at once for a long time. I couldn’t bear for him to ask me to adjust the webcam for a better view. The whole thing was super hard. But he didn’t convince me to do it by arguing with me, he convinced me by leading the way.

I still remember the day he finally got through to me. He explained that he just wanted what we have to feel more real. I could hear his voice, I could see him, I could visualize us together because I had a sense of who he was, while to him I was just text. An idea of a person. A personality floating shapeless in the void. I got it, and it still took me two more years to get on camera the first time. (and many months followed before I tried it again.)

But, there were things I could do that were less scary, and maybe they will be less scary for your girlfriend too. I sent him a piece of clothing I’d worn, she could send you something similar, or a teddy she’s slept with for a few nights. That way you can breathe in her scent. I sent him physical journals, something I’d held and carried, written in my own handwriting. I sent him care packages and birthday gifts. I sent him my favorite snacks. I called him for special occasions; only for a few minutes, but it was a step in the right direction. I recorded myself reading to him, and he did the same for me.

We wrote stories together too. Stories where we were on dates. Fantasy world where we could get to know each other. Those stories turned sexy a lot of the time. It wasn’t the sexy cam strip-tease he probably wanted, but it was a start. It’s something you could try.

At some point, when you’re not horny and neither of you is in bed or feeling sexy, you need to talk to her about your sex life. Find out what she desires, if anything. Talk about the kind of sex life she wants for her future when you’re near-proximity. There are no wrong answers, but both of you should have an idea of what to expect. If she has no experience, she might not really know and that’s okay too. Being comfortable talking about sex (without shame or pressure) is a skill you both need to learn.

My advice is to be grateful for what you do get. Your attitude shapes your experience. It’s not “I only get to talk to her at night” it’s “I’m blessed I get to talk to her most nights.” Tell her you appreciate her time. Tell her you’re excited to be with her (in spirit anyway). If you get a picture or small video, let her know you love it. If you don’t get one, send one! If she enjoys yours it will encourage her to send her own, but don’t expect a huge change overnight. If you’re bored, do something together. Read her a steamy romance novel. Watch a show together. Try cooking the same recipe at the same time. Vary the location of your chat. Can you talk to her while you go for a walk or while you’re in the bath? Have you tried playing online games together? Pretend you’re teenagers in the 80’s and make each other a mix tape (or YouTube playlist, whatever).

There are loads of things you can do to save this relationship but feeling sorry for yourself or resenting her because she’s shy aren’t going to get you anywhere.