His “Abnormal” Obsession

Dear No Longer Confused,

It’s lovely to hear from you again.

Personally, I’m experiencing a bit of rage at his time-wasting tactics. I feel like he has led you on, which is a form of dishonesty.

I don’t understand the mindset that it’s not real until meeting, but that was a big thing for Mr. E as well. We’d spent hundreds of hours talking online and had been exclusive for months before we met, but when people asked how long we’d been dating he’d only count from our first visit. Enraging! There is a real person on the other side of the computer screen. A human with goals and family and a job and a limited number of days in their life. The time we spend online building our relationships should be precious.

But it would be a boring world if we all thought the same, right? That’s how they are, and there’s not a whole lot we can do about it.

You have my sympathy. It sounds like this is a dead end. He just wants to flirt and have a friend in his pocket (so to speak), nothing more. As shit as it is, those are his boundaries and you have to respect them. He let you think there would be more, but there isn’t.

If you can still enjoy his friendship knowing that’s all it will ever be, stay in contact. Maybe one day he’ll get over his fear. Or maybe he won’t. If, however, it’s too painful to remain in contact knowing that you’re at the peak of this relationship already, don’t feel guilty for saying goodbye.

You have to put yourself first, and I’m giving you permission in case you need it. Whatever you need most, do that. Even if it’s that ripping-off-the-Bandaid-fast kind of hurt. You don’t owe him anything and the only person you need to live with is yourself.

Listen to your needs, nurture yourself, and go into the new year stronger than ever.

Dear Dalida637,

Neither cross-dressing nor drag are "abnormal." Dressing up in drag is huge and people do it for all kind of reasons. Even girls can do drag. It’s not just something gay men do, it’s a way to mock and tear-down stigma and strict gender roles. Drag is cool. Cross-dressing tends to be more private, but again, it’s more common than you might think. You have to understand that in our modern society a lot of people, especially guys, are forced to ignore a whole side of themselves. In a lot of places, boys have been shamed for having any emotions other than anger and are taught that the worst thing you can possibly be is feminine. For them, cross-dressing can be an escape and a way to know themselves better.

Obviously your boyfriend is really passionate about women’s fashion. Maybe he wants to be a designer and he’s afraid of what people will think. Or maybe he’s just trying to figure stuff out. Either way I’m going to go right out on a limb and say that if you can’t embrace this part of him (not just accept but actively throw yourself into it) then this relationship isn’t going to work.

I feel that part of his obsession comes from the fact he isn’t getting his fill. He talks to you about cross-dressing, but because you’re secretly judging him, you’re not helping him reach a level of satisfaction or comfort. His itch isn’t getting scratched so he keeps trying harder and harder to reach it. Scratch the guy’s back, and he ought to be able to think of other things.

With that said, I totally hear you. Mr. E has two personality keys like this that I don’t jive with at all. My interest is lukewarm at best. But they are important to him and he’s important to me, so I find ways that I can relate or contribute. To keep his privacy, I’m going to pretend he’s into cross-dressing.

Personally, my biggest issue with cross-dressing is I’m not into fashion. Not remotely. I wear tee shirts and gym pants year-round and I love practicality. So if Mr. E got into cross-dressing, I would need to find another way to appreciate it. Perhaps I’d encourage him to try dresses from different periods of history (because I’m into history) or from a fandom I appreciate (cosplay). Or maybe I could dress up too and we would do couple photoshoots. Or we could talk about how different clothes made him feel. I’m sure there would be a way I could participate and relate that didn’t cross my personal boundaries.

No matter the topic though, you can always get too much of a good thing. When an interest or avenue of expression crosses the line into obsession, that needs to be addressed. If his itch is getting scratched yet conversations are never about anything else and your itches aren’t getting any attention, that’s a problem. And if you never have the guts to say "This is a problem!" or "Enough!" or even tell the damn truth when he asks why you’re bored and apathetic, nothing will ever change.

At that point the problem becomes you being a poor communicator, not him being a cross-dresser. If we don’t talk to our partners, they can’t know how we feel. It’s that simple.

Maybe you’re afraid that if you say "we talk about clothes so much I’m saturated by the topic," he will leave you, but think – if you don’t say anything the relationship will get colder and colder until it’s dead, because you didn’t address the issue while you had the chance.

Talk to him and strike a balance. Learn about his passion. Understand it. Actually provide support rather than lip-service. And then learn to be as vulnerable with him as he has been with you. This is a huge thing he has trusted you with. Trust him enough in return to express your truth without fear of him rejecting you. As long as you are kind, I’m sure there won’t be an issue with broadening the topics your conversations cover.