How can you miss me if I don’t go away?

Dear Taylor,

As you already suspect, yes, it is possible to talk too much. You can destroy a good relationship doing it, even. It’s hard when you’re long distance, because it can feel like communication is all you have, but all any of us have is time, and we need to spend it well.

As fun as talking all day is, it sets up an unrealistic expectation for what adult relationships look like. Even living together, you’re not going to be talking for hours on end. You might be in the same space, but your focus will be elsewhere. You’ll spend time with friends the other partner doesn’t like. You’ll have your own hobbies and commitments. And you might just need to be alone sometimes to recharge.

I live a fairly average existence, so I’m going to use my marriage as an example here. I talk to Mr. E for maybe an hour each day. When he gets home from work we will hang out in the kitchen, he’ll do the dishes and we’ll pack the kids’ lunches together. I’ll tell him which child annoyed me the most and which impressed me, and he’ll tell me about his co-workers and funny client notes. Sometimes we’ll talk about home improvement or the new and interesting way I’ve come up with to spend the money he earned (I’m mostly joking here) and then he’ll go unwind with a video game, and I’ll go work on my book. From time to time we’ll make a comment, he’ll show me a funny video or I’ll remember something I wanted to tell him, but overall we’re co-existing. Before we had kids we’d spend every evening together, but these days I just want some time to myself, and I suspect he feels the same.

When we were doing long distance, it was a different story. We wanted to be connected as much as possible, logging on the moment either of us got home, and staying connected until someone had to leave their house. We even slept connected over Skype. But we weren’t talking the whole time. He was playing video games or watching shows, and I was working on books or posting on forums. Even with the questions for couples books (which I highly recommend) you eventually learn all you want to know about a person. You cover what happened in the day, gossip a bit about the people around you, talk about current world events, and then you’re done. That’s it. Sometimes there isn’t anything else to say.

At that point you can hang up, you can be companionable (that is, do your own thing while remaining in a call,) or you can do something together. But for the love of all that’s holy don’t just sit there wasting your life being bored. Time is too precious for that.

There’s a list on this site with lots of fun things long distance couples can do together, but my personal favorite is reading. Get him to read to you, or you can read your favorite series to him. This way you get to listen to each other’s voices, you get to journey to strange wonderful lands together, you get to speculate about what will happen next, and you’re not just repeating the same old conversation.

I’ve heard that some people don’t like reading. I don’t really believe that, but if this happens to you, watch a show together. Play an online game. Or reserve your right to hang up and do something else.

Time-wise, I think three texts a day (single messages, not whole conversations) and one or two hours of talking is more than enough. When you bring it up again, suggest having a date night once a week where you focus on each other for a longer period. That brings its own advantages. You can dress up for each other; show each other you’re willing to put in an effort. Plan some kind of event. Make a fuss of each other and have that big heart to heart he loves.

But on those other days? Less is more. You can’t convincingly tell him that it’s not about him if he chooses to take it personally, but over time he will see that your conversations are more lively and your messages more engaging. Quality is more important than quantity.

I always advocate for less texting. Maybe I’m old, but I really believe that when you’re at work or school or with your friends/family, that should be your focus. Not your phone. We need to get off our phones and live our lives! Sure, send a quick selfie, “wish you were here” or whatever, then leave it in your bag. If you’re not messaging all the time you have more to talk about in your phone calls.

With everything, be honest and be yourself. There’s no point in anything if you’re not genuine. To aid the hard conversations, pay attention to how you speak. Make it about you, like “I feel our conversations have more substance if we don’t text as much.” Or “I would feel more valued if you could please put away your clothes after I fold them,” rather than “You’re calling me too much and smothering me,” or “You’re being an ungrateful slob.” Essentially the message remains the same, but you word it so that there’s no blame and he can see a clear benefit from following your suggestion.