How Many Kisses Is Too Many?

Dear US&UK,

I have to wonder if this might be a slight cultural difference more than anything else, because unless he’s pashing on in darkened corners, playing a whole match of tonsil hockey, making out like a teen playing seven-minutes-in-heaven, I personally don’t see what the big deal is. I don’t understand what’s so upsetting about this.

There are places in the world that are more touchy-feely than the US. Maybe he’s in one of those places. Might be worth discussing, anyway.

To me, it’s not the kiss that matters so much as the way he handles it. Does he stop it and say, “Sorry but I’m in a relationship, I’m not interested.” Or is he leading people on? I think context matters too. If a stranger gives Mr. E a random smooch at mardi gras, that’s a who lot different from him snogging his secretary, you know? Who is kissing your boyfriend? Was it just a drunk patron he’ll never see again, or someone who he sees all the time and should know better?

How many times this can happen before it's suspicious is determined by the both of you and the rules of your relationship. I don’t feel like now’s the time to be suspicious. I would still trust him. He isn’t lying to you, he isn’t going behind your back. You didn’t hear about it from a friend-of-a-friend. Honesty is a treasure, and the last thing you want to do is over-react so he thinks he can’t talk to you.

About the hurt; hanging on to pain gets you nowhere. But, let’s do a little exercise. What if it wasn’t a stolen kiss, what if he was raped behind a dumpster? Would you still be hurt? Would you be tangled up inside, perhaps feeling jealous, because he had an intimate experience with someone else? Even though it was coercive, violent, unwanted, and/or terrifying? No, of course you wouldn’t. You’d be full of sympathy. Or at least I hope you would. Victim blaming is a huge problem in our society, one that we need to get a handle on.

So to be clear: your partner didn’t do anything to harm you. Someone else did something uninvited to him. It had nothing to do with you, at all. But, because your partner is honest, and possibly because he wanted a bit of reassurance and comfort, he told you. There’s no personal attack against you here. This isn’t about you. In this scenario, you’re in a supporting role. That’s it. There is no reason to take on this pain.

I hope you can both move past this together.

Hello Confused,

It’s never too late to ask for clarification. People can lie to you face to face just as readily as they can on webcam, or even over text. Just tell him you read it, and whilst you have continued to choose to have faith, you’d really like a bit of clarification just to put your mind at ease. Be clear that you didn’t snoop through anything, though you easily could have.

I feel like if he was doing something suspicious he’d have hidden his tracks better, but maybe he’s just not very good at sneaking. You never know, so it’s best to ask.

She could be a cousin. Or a life-long friend (though I’d think if she’s a big part of his life you ought to have heard about her before now.) I have a friend like this in my life. If my husband read our messages he’d be alarmed. We send hearts and I love you/ I miss you etc. I tell him he’s hot in his new suit, and he tells me he admires my passion. I probably would have ended up with this guy if I hadn’t met Mr. E first. But nope, we’re just mates. No one can replace Mr. E in my heart.

Thinking of local guys though, it’s actually pretty normal to have crushes. I’ve got a crush on one of the school dads right now. He doesn’t know it. I’m never going to act on it. We’re both happily married. It’s just a passing feeling. A little thrill. Because I’m not dead yet.

You're not dead either.

How you handle yourself is everything. Love is a choice, we continuously choose to love our partners, instead of jumping into every passing fancy. I’d be surprised if there wasn’t a connection between this crush and you stumbling on those emails though, and once you talk to your boyfriend perhaps this attraction you’re experiencing will go away. I don’t think you’re looking for someone new so much as trying to fill a gap. Figure out what that gap is and work towards filling it with your boyfriend.