Dear Miss U,
Hello, so the first thing I want to ask is if you are against young couples dating? Like are you against age difference? If so, then please discard this question. If not, my problem is this:
My boyfriend works a lot. He works nearly every night, and since I’m finishing school it’s hard for us to find a time to talk when we’re both not tired. He’s always tired, but I always let him go to sleep, even though I really would rather have him awake so we could talk. He tries so hard for me to stay up and call me. Another difference is that I live in Arkansas and he lives in California, so there’s a two hour time difference which also puts stress on our calling time. Is there anything we could try to help us find ways to talk to each other more? I’d appreciate it bunches. 🙂 Thanks. Xoxo
Distraught in Arkansas
Hola Distraught,
I have no problem with young couples dating, I think that’s absurd. Young people, in my opinion, are supposed to date and have experiences from within the safety net of their home environments. It helps them be better prepared for when they need to manage their relationships as adults (Though, if I met you face to face, I would consider you both adults – you’re not nearly as young as some people who write to me.) I don’t really see three years as an “age difference” either. If it were twenty years and one of you were still in high school I might caution you against that, but generally speaking I try to avoid letting personal bias affect my work.
Some might say that your problem is good practice for the future. Too many people are fighting to find time for their loved ones, because for many people life is just an endless cycle of work and sleep. Add a time difference to that, and it can be hard to connect at all! My best advice would be to have a look at your schedules and find a different time to talk. Perhaps you can talk during lunch/breaks between class/breaks at work if any of them line up, or you can chat during his commute to or from work, or you can get up earlier and talk before work. If you both have the weekends free, perhaps you could do the bulk of your talking on the weekend, and he could have a late night on Wednesday, but the other four nights you can exchange goodnight texts and just call it a day.
Can you move anything in your life around other than work/study and sleep to free up a block of talk time? It’s all about time management and finding good opportunities.
If that doesn’t work, you may need to focus on other methods of communication for the bulk of your correspondence and leave phone calls as a special treat. Perhaps it would be easier for you both to find time separately to email so that shorter phone calls don’t leave as much unsaid.
Many couples find pleasure in falling asleep together on the phone or skype, so maybe you could suggest giving this a go? There isn’t as much talking, but it gives a comfortable illusion of togetherness and bonding.
Dear Miss U,
The distance is so difficult for both of us especially because she lives in Philippines and I live in the USA. How do I keep things going without having to be distracted by other females? As in easily being attracted to other females at the same time in back of my mind loving her. Even though I’m seeing her in 2 months for school vacation, she goes back to finish nursing school for one more year. A little more of our history, not long ago we found out we liked each other ever since we met 6 years ago and never said anything until one year ago. We took a break earlier in the fall of last year since I was entering college because a lot happens in college, and I did that because I didn’t want to cheat on her; so what do I do? Help me.
Renzo
Dear Renzo,
It’s interesting trying to answer this question as a woman. My first reaction is, of course, “Keep it in your pants; or break up with her so she can find someone who will” but it’s really not as simple as all that; as Mr. E (my significant other) politely pointed out when he read your letter over my shoulder.
Firstly, I think it’s important for you to know that it’s normal to be attracted to females you meet in everyday life. Whether your partner is near or far away, there will always be a certain level of temptation, and the certainty that you could probably cheat and get away with it. Not only is it normal to find other women attractive, it’s perfectly ok. It’s alright to look, to enjoy the view, and any woman who expects you to magically stop noticing other women because you’re with her is kidding herself (though this can happen to people, it’s fine if it doesn’t.)
The difficulty is at the point where self-control enters the picture. Going on a break, for example, shows that either you have poor self-control and don’t trust yourself or that you don’t want to have self-control because you don’t want to miss out on experiences with other women.
If having an open relationship isn’t on the cards (and I find it generally isn’t, especially with younger couples) then you need to take a few hours for yourself and decide what is more important to you – you need to make a decision one way or the other and then stick to it.
Ask yourself how much you love this chick? How much do you want this relationship? Do you, in the honest depths of your heart, see this relationship as the one you have in your old age? Is she worth more than the experiences you perceive you could be having? Do you look at other women because you’re wondering if there’s someone even better out there, or just because it would be really nice to flirt, party carelessly and have some sexual encounters? None of the answers you might have to these questions are wrong; the point of this exercise is so you know your needs, wants and motives within yourself.
Look too at what kind of outside pressures might be affecting your decision. Are you concerned about peer pressure? Do you surround yourself with people who support your relationship and help you uphold your desire to remain faithful, or are you spending time with friends who place no value on this kind of thing? Pay attention to the role support and the attitudes of other people have on your opinions and decisions.
It’s strange because a lot of young guys see having many sexual partners as proof of their masculinity and yet, it can be quite a bit harder, it can take a great deal more strength and maturity to have just the one, especially at the point where sexual frustration sets in, as it does for most people in long distance relationships.
If, at the end of your self-exploration, you decide that she is worth more to you than any college fling and that finding someone who is better for you than her (rather than just closer geographically) is unlikely then you need to make it easier on yourself to remain faithful. Simple ways to do that include not putting yourself in situations where the temptation will be unbearable or your self-control will be compromised. If you don’t want to avoid pubs and parties all together, then take precautions. Remember to eat when you’re out drinking, and to chug back some water in between beers. If possible take a friend who is happy to watch your back, someone you know will step in and remind you not to do something stupid if you’re about to leave with some sexy beast on 6” heels. Masturbate before you go out too, it’s easier to say no when your balls aren’t bursting. And if you don’t think that will be enough, buy yourself some white underwear and write on them in big black letters “STOP! I have a girlfriend and I don’t want to do this!” or even “STOP! I have an STI!” whatever you think is more likely to make that woman decide not to bed you after all.
Wearing a promise ring (or any ring that resembles a wedding band,) is also a fantastic idea. Seeing it will remind you of her and your commitment, and most women with a sense of decency will avoid you because it tells them you are taken.
