How to close the distance faster? / Can you really just be friends after a break-up?

Dear Miss U,

I met my boyfriend on Facebook. He is the wisest, funniest person I have ever met. We talk on the phone for hours at a time and he makes me laugh sooo hard. We began dating two years ago and I met him for the first time (in person) a year and a half ago. We used to have nearly an entire country between us, but I’ve moved in with family in a neighboring state.

We see each for a week or two at a time every seven months or so, and I’m actually in the airport as I type this. I just left his place and I’m getting ready to go back home, but every time I do this, the more it hurts. I’m bawling.

I’m 21, I’m struggling to get my driver’s license, I’ve just lost my job and am looking for a new one. I don’t have any money saved yet and my boyfriend usually does not visit me in my state, nor is he employed. Both are difficult for him to do because he is disabled and it makes his situation very complicated.

I’d love to move in with him, but in order to do so, I need a lot of money saved. He also needs a recommendation from a doctor for me to become his live-in aid.

I love him so much and I know he loves me just as much. My family is very emotionally abusive and I feel deeply that my true home is with him. We rarely fight and I feel so at peace when I’m with him. I can’t even remember what it was like when he wasn’t around. I feel like we’ve known each other my whole life, not 2 years.

Any advice on how we can speed up this process to finally be together?

Anon

Dear Anon,

It really does get harder each time you have to leave. I feel for you.

From what I understand, the job scene in America (where I’m assuming you are from) is quite a bit different than in my home country, so I don’t think I can give much advice there. I also don’t know what your situation is like at home. Does the family you live with support you, at least in part? Or are you paying an equal share of rent, utilities, and food? I don’t know how much control you have over your income (once you have one.)

If you’re buying your own food, that’s one place you can save loads of money. Lentils and beans are some of the healthiest and cheapest foods available. Rice and oats too. A lot of people think you have to live on nutrient devoid instant noodles to save on your grocery bill, but that’s simply not true. If you can shop at a farmer’s market, buying the ugly produce, you’ll save a lot.

Buy second-hand clothes and other necessities where you can. Walk and ride when you can. All the little things you do will add up. Beyond that, see if you have anything you don’t use that you can sell. If you’re crafty, you can make art to sell in your free time. This includes printable art, stickers, birthday invites etc. People pay for that stuff. You can also make money on sites like Upwork.

I imagine to get this letter from his doctor, you need to be able to prove you’re capable of caring for your boyfriend. Do you need to take a course for that? Is there anything you can do now that will make getting that recommendation easier?

What is his family like? Any chance you can ask them to help? Is your boyfriend on any type of disability payment, and is he able to save some of it to put toward your future?

Sadly, we all just have to do our best. Sometimes that does equal a long wait. And it’s crushing, but there isn’t an easy road, not for the things that really matter. I hope some luck comes your way soon.

Dear Miss U,

My ex-girlfriend and I (also a girl) broke up due to long distance. She lives in Europe and I live in the US. We lived together while she studied abroad in the US for a semester and that's when we fell in love. We tried to make it work after she left, but we were both so depressed, unfaithful, and crazy when apart. Seeing each other only once or twice out of the year wasn't going to be enough. I get that.

It's been 5 months or so now since the break up and I'm still not over her because when we were in person, it's so easy and perfect. It was my first relationship and she was the first person I ever fell for. We want to stay friends because we became really important in each other's lives but it's so hard for me to only see her as a friend. I just miss her and our relationship all the time.

I also one day hope that in a couple of years, if one of us moved closer we'd try again and that's a possibility if we are both single - but that's a dream. I can't keep holding on to this dream. HELP. How do I get over her and how can I keep her in my life in the process? I don't want to throw away the bond we've made to be honest because she's one of the few people who makes me happy, I trust, and gets me 100%.

Thanks, xo
Jamie

Dear Jamie,

The problem is that emotions don’t work like that. You can’t just decide “we’re friends now” and expect your emotions to align, and I fear that nothing I can tell you is going to trick them into doing as you wish.

I have to be honest: I don’t understand how exactly breaking up makes anything better if you intend to remain in each other’s lives. You still love each other. You still talk to each other; confide in each other. You miss each other just as much as before. So what changes, other than the label? How does breaking up make you both less crazy and depressed?

Does breaking up take the pressure off, or just take hope away? I suppose it frees you both up to date other people, but if you’re in love with each other how is that fair on the people you date? How can you give your whole self to a new person? If it’s just about the sex, I don’t understand why you don’t make an arrangement with each other that you can get your physical needs met by others, while remaining emotionally committed to each other.

I guess that’s why I have this job: because to me if it’s love and both people feel respected, loved and supported, then you need to find a way to make it work. Talk to each other until you reach a compromise, because that’s better than giving up. Find a way.

Full disclosure, I am biased. The only time I ever tried to be friends after dating it didn’t go so well. I’m actually married to that person now, so clearly I’m bad at the “just friends” thing.

I guess that if you honestly believe that being friends is the best thing for both of you, you should write a list of all the reasons why and stick them somewhere you can read over them when you start to struggle. You could even brainstorm all the reasons it wouldn’t work with her. All her irritating habits. It might help for a while.
Beyond that, I’m told time heals all wounds.

Whatever the case, stay true to yourself.

Dear Miss U, I did an exchange student year in USA, and there I thought I found the love of my life. We dated while I was there for like 2 months and then I had to leave to my home country. We decided keep our relationship over the distance and at the beginning it was hard but worth having him, then school started and everything went down, but we still believe in the relationship and kept talking every weekend by Skype and everyday by messages. [read more: Break-ups & Make-ups]
Dear Miss U, He and I met at a college party last year in May of 2012. We text, got to know each other, and then we started dating in August. To tell you the truth we only hung out about 3 times before he left in mid-September. He lives in Las Vegas now, his hometown, because things in AZ got financially hard for him. It is now mid-February and he told me he was going to save up to live here. I have been believing that for the longest time now since he left. He breaks horrible news to me earlier this week and tells me he hasn’t been saving up. [read more: Get A Move On]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.