Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have not been talking as often and were always fighting. During the disagreements a lot of things go unsaid due to the fact we don’t like arguing so we avoid it. My boyfriend also tends to be very double standard with certain things in our relationship and takes his frustrations of not being able to be together or have sex out on me like I’m not experiencing the same thing. We try talking about it but it gets complicated and confusing after a while because words are being twisted around. What can I do to fix this?
Vernessa
Dear Vernessa,
You don’t have to argue to sort your problems out. You can agree to talk to each other openly with respect, to hear each other out as a friend – truly listen to what the other has to say and reach an understanding. I want you to both practice something. When the other is talking, do nothing but listen. A lot of the time when someone is talking to us, we are not 100 percent focused on what the other is saying. We’re thinking up our own response, or focusing on one particular point and missing all the rest. You both need to stop yourself from doing that, and hear each other out. If you need to, repeat everything he says in your head as he says it, so you know you’re not thinking of a single other thing. Tell him to do the same.
Then listen. Sometimes he’s going to say hurtful things. Don’t think about how much it hurts you; think about why he’d say it. Try to empathize with how he feels. You don’t have to agree with him, but you do need to understand his point of view.
Focus on one issue at a time to avoid things getting confusing. Don’t bring up things from the past that are not relevant. If you are talking about who takes out the garbage (for example) don’t start bringing up that he leaves the cap off the toothpaste. One thing at a time.
Take turns. Learn to respect when the other person is speaking and let them finish, no matter how long it takes. If you are having trouble putting your feelings into words, say so. If you need a moment to gather your thoughts, say that too. If he needs a moment to think, give it to him. It takes the male mind a little while longer to form what they need to say, and they are naturally less inclined to talk over their feelings. Don’t get fed up and walk away, just be patient.
Failing this, write letters, and only reply to each other after you calm down. Either way, you both need to be brave and face your issues. Ignoring them only lets them snowball, they won’t just go away.
It’s not right, but a lot of the time we take our frustrations out on the people closest to us, people we are sure will be there for us and love us anyway. Gently remind him you’re going through it too, and that he doesn’t need to take it out on you. Offer to do something fun, or instigate something naughty to take the edge off.
Finally, when you feel irritation, ask yourself “Is this worth fighting over?” You are never going to agree on everything. Some of his habits will annoy you, and things you do are going to piss him off as well. Pick your battles. If it’s not important, let it go. Bite back that sarcastic retort. If you know he’s just joking, even if something is a little hurtful, don’t give into the urge to blow it out of proportion. Keep calm. Pay attention to how you conduct yourself, the level of your voice and the language you are using.
Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to two years now, and we have been keeping up a long distance relationship for the past five months. She is too far away to see; so I only get to see her every few months. I am in my junior year of college where as she has already graduated. She is currently away at an internship which may end up in a full position. She really loves it where she is. I have been supportive the entire time, but, lately she has wanted to talk about the future and where we will be in the next few years. While she may very well be the one I marry, I am reluctant to talk about this with her because I don’t want it to negatively impact our relationship. My entire family and friends are around where I am now, and if she gets a career job where she is now I don’t know if I could move away from my family. How could I talk to her about this without upsetting her?
Sincerely,
Steve
Dear Steve,
I don’t see how talking about the future together will negatively impact your relationship. I do know however, that if you continue to avoid the subject, she is likely to assume you’re not having a future together or that you’re not interested in a future with her. This will impact your relationship negatively.
You need to discuss things like being hesitant to leave your friends and family, it’s important.
Also, look for a compromise. There’s no reason you can’t live away from your friends and family for a couple of years, with an agreement to move back home and settle down after that. Would she eventually be able to get a job transfer? Is she able to follow her career closer to home once she has some experience?
The best way to talk about things without upsetting your partner is to use “I” statements not “you” statements. Talk about how you feel, not what she’s doing wrong. For example: “I love you and I want a future with you, but I am uncomfortable with permanently moving away from my family and friends.” Sounds a lot nicer than “You are making me choose between you and the family/friends I have here.”
First, you both need to know these things:
1) What you need in life – the things you can’t live without and won’t compromise on. (This should be a very short list)
2) Things you would like, but don’t need – things you will barter with.
3) Things that are not important to you – things you are willing to delay or give up in order to be together.
This helps you know what you have to work with. Just talk to her. You don’t have to reach an answer the first time you discuss it, but you do need to start somewhere.
