Hi there. I started dating my boyfriend who lives in the UK four months ago, I live in Florida. We were inseparable in the first three months, face-timed for hours, and he would stay up way past the AM for me (as it is a 5 hour time difference). We love each other so so much. But, lately, he hasn't been himself, I guess. He doesn't call me pet names as much, doesn't face-time me as much, maybe once a week for 20 minutes if I'm lucky. He has just recently told me he feels over the top stressed. He tries to balance time between me, his friends, and family, and never has time for himself. He's come to me crying so much saying he just wants to be able to do the things a normal teenager does (EX: ride a bike, watch TV, etc.) I told him he can't please everyone and can't make everyone happy and self-care and self-happiness is always top priority. I told him to make time for himself. He's now in Italy on a school trip and can't talk to me or anyone back home the entire time, so he's taking that as a break for himself. He says he doesn't know what he wants anymore. It breaks my heart, but I'll use those pieces to fix his. He says when he gets back he hopes to be better, if not, we have to figure out what's best, even if it means going our separate ways.
It hurts so bad, I cried so much constantly. I care about him and only want the best for him. Advice on what to do? I'm trying everything I can, he doesn't understand a lot of it though.
Thank you 🙂
Isabella
Dear Isabella,
Something both of you need to understand is that everyone struggles with their life balance from time to time. Everyone! I’m struggling with it right now. I’d really like to play WoW with my buddies, but first I need to answer my Miss U mail, submit my debut novel’s blurb to my cover artist, vacuum, hang the laundry and keep my three children alive and intellectually stimulated. I haven’t seen any of my friends in over a month (thank the Gods for social media!) and though I really need to work on book two, my husband desperately needs couple time, so that will take priority tonight.
I don’t want to demoralize you by saying this problem never gets better, but you both need to know that breaking up is not the answer. My life is very full, and sometimes it gets so full something has to go – but that’s never the most important people. My husband, kids and sister will always get my time. It’s Debra with her veiled insults who I’ll give less energy to, even though I really enjoy our coffee and play dates. I might wear the same pants three days in a row to lower my laundry load, but I’m not going to shirk my writing. See? A person needs to define their priorities. There isn’t time for all the things we want to do and people we want to see all of the time, and there never will be. But if you love each other, if having a relationship is important to you in the long term, it’s not your LDR that should get tossed out.
I see that you are teenagers and it makes my heart hurt that kids are so busy and put under so much stress these days. It makes me worry for my own kids too! You are right, alone time is very important. Leisure time helps us stay sane. He does need to make time for these things. It makes me wonder what he has going on in his life that means having a girlfriend leaves no time for fun. Heck – having a girlfriend is supposed to be fun! You can do fun things together! He knows he can watch TV with you, right? There are lots of fun things you can do in a LDR, it isn’t just talking. You can even be on FaceTime together, putting you in the same room, while just doing your own things!
Often I’m too tired to talk. I don’t want to have a heart-to-heart after a long day. I just want to chill out with my best friend, who I married, without feeling pressured – and our LDR was like that too. I’d be reading, studying or playing WoW, he’d be doing some boring 3D stuff, playing a shooter or watching crime shows. If one of us had something to say, we could press pause, but a lot of the time we were just companionable. So, first up, make sure you’re winding down together. Let your relationship become his safe space. (And yours too!)
Secondly, I recommend he learn some time management skills. Get a little book and write down priorities, figure out when free time happens so it isn’t just wasted on social media. Ten minutes a day planning will save him so much time in the long run because he will be more productive. I know when you’re 15 that doesn’t sound like fun. It’s an old person thing. But if he wants a genuine solution that doesn’t end in dumping his girlfriend, there it is. It might also help him figure out if he’s spending a lot of time on something he hates or with people he doesn’t really connect with.
Lastly, but most importantly, as romantic as it is to let him break your heart or whatever, take your own advice and start putting yourself as number one. Especially if you’re not his number one (and you’re not, or he wouldn’t consider cutting this relationship out of his workload.) You are equal in this relationship. YOU MATTER! You’re not a burden on him or anyone. You shouldn’t feel guilty for receiving his time and affection. (I’m not saying you do, just making sure you know!) You’re not “too clingy” or “too needy” for wanting half an hour to connect each day. Don’t let his inexperience jade you for future relationships. This isn’t about you or your self-worth.
Keep being awesome,
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