How to Decide If Being a Military Spouse Is Right for You

Dear Danielle,

Clearly, there’s unresolved tension between you in regards to his prospective career and what that means for your joint future. I believe once this is hashed out and resolved, the petty arguments will stop too. You might also just really need an apology. This is a big thing to have him spring on you, especially as you’ve been together long enough to be emotionally invested and he hasn’t opened up a discussion for you to weigh-in on, he’s simply told you: “This is what I’m doing.” By the sounds of it, he didn’t handle that very well, and you do deserve to know that he won’t treat you that way again in future.

Now, forget what your family says for a minute and figure out how you feel. Grab a pen and paper and make a mind map or a list of pros and cons, whichever is more your style. Get all your thoughts out of your head and onto paper where you can better address each one as a single entity.

While you’re at it, take note of the things you argue about. What triggers ill feelings between you and how could you handle those situations better?

I’m going to be upfront with you here. I’m not in a military relationship, and I don’t think I could be. As much as I respect the military, that way of life is not for me, and when we were younger Mr. E and I had a long talk about careers and how they would affect each other and our life plans. At the time we agreed to never settle in one country because neither of us could envision a life in the other person’s world, and so we both focused on careers that would give us the freedom to travel. We were lucky in that we were both called to flexible paths, and we were both willing to support each other emotionally and financially to make that happen. I am a big believer that your career is not just about you, it’s about your partner, the lifestyle you want together and about your children (if you’re into that.)

Whilst Mr. E’s job never takes him away from me over any distance, there are several months of the year I barely see him at all. Sometimes I have less contact now, living together, than I did when we were on opposite sides of an ocean, and it’s hard. I didn’t get married so I could cry in bed alone, overwrought and exhausted. Having children complicates things too; they miss him, and when they miss him really badly they start lashing out so that the load I carry is so much greater than normal and I begin to crumble. If you’ve been following Miss You Issues for any length of time, you’ll have picked up that I have a mental illness. I am not the strongest person out there, and as much as I hate it, I need the support of a husband who is around more often than not.

My best friend, on the other hand, is married to a cop. Police work ridiculous hours in dangerous, unstable conditions and they are forced to travel around a bit too. They see the absolute worst humanity has to offer. Interestingly, my friend takes her husband’s job and makes it a way of life for her family. It’s a badge of honor. She even brings the strengths she’s gained from being a “Force Wife” into her own career. For her, sharing a life with him is far more important than having a man who works 9 to 5. She is incredibly proud of what her husband does and of who he is and doesn’t seem to resent the toll it takes on her. To give you an idea of how hard it must be, she tells me 80% of cop marriages in her country end in divorce.

Basically, there is no right answer Danielle. Things might be easier with a partner who didn’t work away, but would they be as satisfying?

You need to ask yourself what you want – in life, in your career, in your future family – and what you think you can handle. (We are all stronger than we think we are, of that I’m certain!) If I were you, I’d be looking for the trade-off here. What do you get out of supporting him through his military career?

For example, I worked my butt off at a job I loathed, and put my career on hold to do it, so that Mr. E could get his foot in the door of his field. The trade-off for that being when he became established in his career he would support myself and our children so that I could focus on writing, and he’s held his end of the bargain – that arrangement sucked at the time, but we both love our lives now because of it. Another example: When he said he wanted to buy our first property in his home country, the trade-off was that I could birth our children in my country first. Find something you want as much as he wants to be a Marine, and work with him on a plan to achieve both your goals. I personally find this halts resentment that may otherwise infect the relationship.

I imagine if you did choose to be with him, the military would have a support network for spouses, just as the police force does. You might also stipulate that if he’s to be working away you get more say over where your home is – i.e. near people you love who will help you through the hard times. You might even get in contact with some military couples via the LFAD forum, and they can help you make the right decision for you.

I don’t think you’re too young, in fact, I think youth is a bonus. It means if you make a mistake you still have plenty of time to try again without being set back in your adult life. I also don’t think you’re immature – this is a big decision that affects the rest of your life. If you didn’t think it was a big deal, then I’d be worried!

There is always hope, and there are always opportunities if you are willing to work for them. Your life will always be what you make of it and your attitude will determine your experience. Talk to him about making decisions as a couple in future (if you decide to stick it out) instead of him thinking of himself as a free individual and then forgive each other for this hard patch, because you are both learning how to adult within a relationship.

Good luck with everything.