How to Not Fear Cheating

Dear Miss U,
I have been in a LDR for 1 year and 3 months and I think I am anxious. I mean, I often think, “What if he would cheat on me?” I am very scared. What should I do to get rid of this anxiety? I think he’s a good guy, but I don’t know him 100% and you know… you can never be sure of someone. What should I do to stop worrying? I tried to stop thinking about it, but it doesn’t work.

Please help me!!!!
Just Me

Hello, Just Me!

I used to worry a lot about this too, and I found it helped to really dig into the fear and find out why it worried me so much. So ask yourself “why?” What would happen if he did cheat? What about cheating is so terrifying?

For me, I found I wasn’t particularly worried about Mr. E physically being with someone else. I know I wasn’t his first partner, and it’s hard to imagine being his last because we’re so young. If it’s not that, what? Jealousy was definitely a problem; the idea someone else could have him and I couldn’t. I asked myself why I felt jealous and came up with because I was afraid that he’d find someone better than me. From there I dug into why I was afraid of that.

Cheating was a worry to me for two other reasons. 1) Because of the dishonesty and 2) because I felt like I’d deserve it. I thought if I could be unfaithful, anyone could be. Let’s tackle that second point first: I was afraid of being cheated on because I myself had been unfaithful in the past (not to him though). But was I being fair? I looked back at all our interactions and realized that whenever he’d been in a relationship with someone else while we were friends, he’d always drawn a line with me. Even though we were attracted to each other he wouldn’t fool around online with me when he was dating someone else – so there was no precedent for him to cheat. I was just projecting my own flaws. He’d given me more reasons to trust him than not to trust him.

That leaves me with point one – dishonesty. It was the dishonesty I feared most. Cheating is a symptom of an unhealthy relationship – it’s a sign that things are breaking, that the relationship needs help – and that’s terrifying for me because if there’s something wrong between us I want the chance to work on it. I want to know about it so I can fix it, but with cheating comes lying, and so I might never know until it was too late.

It’s a lot to think about and likely your reasons are quite different, but if you’re losing sleep over this it’s time to sit down, make a mind map and figure it out.

Once you know your “whys” you can talk it over with your partner. When I spoke to Mr. E about it we agreed that if either of us ever wanted to go outside the relationship for whatever reason, we had to ask the other first. If there was ever a purely physical attraction to an outside party, we can safely go to the other and ask for permission to follow it up with the rules of our relationship. That brings me peace of mind because now I know there’s no reason for him to cheat on me. It also brings me peace because I know we can talk about anything. If there’s a problem in our relationship I feel confident he will talk to me about it first, rather than seeking to have those needs met through an affair.

I’m not saying this is the best, right or only solution, I’m just giving an example of how we have addressed it in our relationship. Other people will have other methods.

I find self-talk helps too. When I start feeling anxious about ridiculous things I challenge myself with other possible reasons for his actions. Maybe he’s worked overtime every day this week because he’s fooling around with the secretary, but it’s a whole lot more likely that he’s actually just working. If he’s not working maybe he’s organizing a big surprise for my birthday.

Maybe he’s not picking up his phone because he has a mistress… but it’s more likely his phone battery is flat, he’s in a meeting, or maybe he missed my call because he was taking a big steaming poop.

In summary – meditate on why cheating is such an overpowering fear for you. Knowing your fears gives you the power to create solutions. Logic and humor are your best friends; keep them strong, and remember: Worry is like a rocking horse, it gives you something to do but it never gets you anywhere!

Dear Miss U,

NAAF

Dear NAFF,

No, it doesn’t ever get easier. You will both get better at dealing with it and finding ways to nurture your connection while apart, but honestly some things are supposed to be a challenge. Pain is how our bodies tell us something is wrong; hurt motivates us to fix the problem / close the distance in a timely fashion.

This heartache tells you to hold on tight and not let go. It tells you to work hard. To find creative ways to express your devotion every day, even if you feel corny doing it. This feeling tells you that what you have is real!

Nothing worth doing in this life is ever easy NAAF, but it’s the things we fight for that we cherish the most. Try to find a positive angle to help strengthen your resolve because feeling sorry for yourself is a poison to the relationship. Instead, remind yourself how lucky you are to have found someone so perfectly compatible so young. 2020 seems like ages away, I’m sure, but it could take you that long – or even a lifetime – to find someone you love so completely again.

I’ve come out the other side and I can tell you that a couple of years is nothing once you’re looking back.

Be strong. It’s worth it.

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