How to Stop Fighting

Dear Ky,
Acknowledging that there’s a problem is probably the most important step, and you’ve done that. Great! Does he too realize the relationship has gotten a bit rocky? Is he ready to work on it with you? Your chances of succeeding at stopping this trend are a hundred times better if you are tackling your issues together.

The first step is to pay more attention to how you feel and the thoughts going through your head whilst you interact. Look for hot-button topics that might be setting you off, and maybe even write them down so you can later analyze why you’re getting upset. Don’t just listen to each other, listen to yourselves! The key is to catch negative threads before they escalate.

Maybe he is the most annoying person on earth, or maybe you’re just really tired. Maybe he was trying to be offensive when he said he didn’t like your shirt, or maybe you’re sensitive because you feel abandoned lately. Maybe you were trash talking his mum, or maybe he really does need to step up and defend you. Before you rip into each other, first ask yourselves:
“Why do I feel this way?”
“Would I usually be upset by this?”
“Am I deliberately taking what my partner said the wrong way because I’m hurting/grumpy/resentful?”
“How would I feel if roles were reversed?”

There’s something I always ask myself as a parent that can be applied to all relationships too:

“Am I annoyed because they are annoying, or are they only annoying because I’m annoyed?”

It’s important to recognize your starting point and own the fact that how you feel is a lens through which you see your partner and the world.

The next step is to learn to defuse the situation if something does get heated. There will be times when you miss your own queues, and you’re fighting before you realize it. But you can stop at any time. You can choose to take back control of yourselves and the conversation. There are several ways to do this:

1. Admit it if you’re just grumpy. “Sorry I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it, it just came out because I’m upset about something else.”
2. Agree to disagree. We don’t have to see eye to eye on everything.
3. Be respectful about your debates, and where possible look up the answer.
4. Stop, and say, “I don’t want to fight. Can we find a better way to resolve this?” Look for a compromise.
5. Apologize for your part in escalating the disagreement, even if you’re not wrong. You don’t have to agree that Star Trek is better than Star Wars, you just have to mature enough to say “I was wrong to call you a moron, I shouldn’t have done that.”
6. If it’s an issue you must talk through but it’s getting heated, you can take ten minutes to regroup. Go for a walk. Have a snack. Come back when your thoughts are in order. Alternatively, talk about the problem over letters or email first, and don’t respond while angry. Look for the logic in what your partner says and keep in mind their love for you at all times.
7. Crack a joke. If the opportunity presents itself for humor (not at each other’s expense) take it. Inject some levity into the conversation.

These are two-part things as well. If one of you stops and apologizes, the other needs to stop trying to have the last word and take responsibility for their part in the argument too.

Lastly, look at your overall relationship. Are you both making it a priority? Because it needs to be. Even when you are busy. Even when you’re apart. Even when you have kids. Even when you get old. Always. Make time for each other, even if all you can manage is one Skype date a week and a handful of ten-minute phone calls in between. Do something fun together to help you remember why you like each other and keep each other involved even if you find your day-to-day life boring.

You’re on the same team.

Dear Zachy,

You’d been together five days at the time you wrote to me. Five days. It’s rare for me to think LDR is beyond anyone, but I have to be honest with you: If you’re already buckling under the pressure, if the pain in your heart is so bad that you need to seek outside help with it after less than a week, then maybe at this point in your life you’re simply not ready.

Relationships aren’t easy, even the near proximity ones. They take work, and they take a toll on your emotions even when things are great. This is something you need to accept if you’re going to proceed. You’re going to feel a lot of things and sometimes that will be overwhelming. The number one thing I recommend to people who write to me with this question (or variations thereof) is acceptance. You need to accept with your whole being that this is your life. Don’t compare it to other people’s, don’t fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself, and remember: you chose this. Accept what you have and where you are at, and start being thankful for it. Gratitude is what takes that pain in your chest away. And gratitude is pretty attractive. Feeling sorry for yourself isn’t romantic, generally, it just gets really annoying. People want to be with those who uplift them, so for your relationship to survive this LDR (and the bonds you have with friends and family too) you need to adjust your attitude.

The best thing you can do is keep your relationship fun. Enjoy being together (emotionally and mentally) and revel in each other’s company. Plan Skype dates. Laugh. Open up your deepest selves. Let go of the misery you think you need to feel and let this love bloom into awesomeness.