So, I have been dating this girl for 7 months. Our relationship wasn't long distance until a month ago. It hurts like hell and it’s getting worse. She likes someone else but wants me. She’s being distant and it’s hurting a lot. I love her and she loves me more than anything she only enjoys it because it's something new. We agreed that she won't talk to the other person again, but we need to do something new with our relationship. I honestly don't know what to do. It really hurts and I don't even believe her when she says she loves me. I don't want to lose her because honestly, without her I don't feel emotion. So, my question is what should I do to save my relationship?
It Hurts
Dear It Hurts,
Like anything, LDR has an adjustment period. There are a lot of skills you will pick up to help you manage your long distance relationship and better cope with it. Additionally, you will learn how to make it fun. It never gets easier, but you will get better at it, and with some work from both of you, it can actually be really awesome.
On love, there are two truths I know. The first is that love is fluid. Emotions are as water, they ebb and they flow. Some days I have so much love for my husband I think I will burst. Other days I’m not that sure why I like him at all, and I almost wonder if I couldn’t be just as happy with any partner. There’s so much that influences emotion from outside of the relationship too, such as health and stress. You can’t expect it to always feel that soul-deep amazing connection with a burn-your-pants-off passion. Which brings me to the second thing: Love is a choice. Yes, that initial flush of attraction is out of our hands and often inconvenient, but you do get to a point where that rush isn’t so all-encompassing. The butterflies die, the mysteries are solved and then you have a choice. Love is when you choose to ride again even though you know the twists and turns, the secret rooms and how to solve the puzzles. Real love - boring adult love that stands the test of time - is a choice. It’s choosing the same person over and over, even if they are not exciting, even if there is temptation elsewhere. Love is saying, “This is the one I want.”
It looks like she’s got that! Through all the pain I hope you can see how positive it is that she has come to you, admitted there’s a problem, asked for support and put in place a strategy to keep your relationship strong. That IS love.
Where to go from here? Well, that depends on what you have tried already, but as your relationship is still very new, I’m going to suggest one of those questions for couples books. I know they sound terribly lame, but they are actually amazing. Once you’ve downloaded that, look to your hobbies. Surely there is something you both enjoy! Can you play an online game together? Role play? Read books to each other? Start a blog together? There are a multitude of hobbies and it only takes a little creativity to convert most of them to something that can be enjoyed at a distance. Fun is an essential component of all relationships, nurture that like you would your sex life and your communication.
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