I Cheated, Now I'm Pregnant. - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I sincerely love my boyfriend; in fact, I’m in love with him and cannot deny it.

We are in a transcontinental LDR we have grown close over the years and grown to love each other. I found that I struggled a lot with being lonely at times when I felt he was detached in the relationship. I also struggled with not being intimate with my partner since we had only seen each other once in the two years. I stepped out on our relationship... I used protection but somehow ended up pregnant. I was only with the other guy briefly and have no attachment with him now besides the baby I’m carrying. It killed me to keep the truth from my partner so I came clean about everything.

I have a baby on the way with a man I don’t even speak to, while my heart breaks daily for breaking the heart of the man I love. He has continued to be supportive throughout this difficult time for both of us. But my question is: How do I repair the damage I caused in our relationship? Because there isn’t anyone else I want to be with but him. How do we go forward and how can I show him or let him know I really want us to work out?

We are still living apart due to both our financial situations, but if I could, I would be willing to relocate to be closer to him to try and make this relationship work.

TroubledCO

Dear TroubledCO,

Straight up, I want you to know I personally don’t think cheating is "the end." It’s not on my deal breaker list. I don’t think you’re the devil in disguise.

With that said, I think we have to be honest here. You didn’t tell him because keeping the truth from him killed you. It doesn’t sound like this was a one night stand; your letter indicates you saw this other guy a few times on a fairly flimsy excuse. You had time in between visits for the guilt to eat at you before you found out you were expecting a baby. You told your boyfriend because a baby is the kind of evidence you can’t hide. And that's okay. The only way is forward!

Obviously, your boyfriend is a fucking legend. 10/10 for him. I desperately hope he is the kind of selfless being who can embrace this baby as his own without resentment. That’s where my thoughts — as a mum myself — go.

As with any breach of trust, the way to heal it is time. Time that passes where you don’t make the same mistake. You heal it by being understanding as he works through the trust issues you’ve created. You heal it by buying a damned vibrator and taking care of your physical urges without bedding someone else. You heal it by strengthening the intimate connection between the two of you. There are so many ways to continue the romantic and sexual aspects of your relationship over the distance, so do that instead of outsourcing.

Though, for a lot of women, having a baby is a libido killer anyway. Something about being massively sleep deprived and having someone drinking from your body twelve odd hours a day does that.

You need to ask him to tell you if there’s something he needs (beyond a sincere apology) to help him move past this, because all people deal with things in their own ways. I can't guess what he personally hopes for. Then ask yourself, what do you need to move past this? Because most of the time we are our own biggest critics.

Right now you need to focus on finding the money to close the distance, and preparing for your life to change. Prepare him too.

I highly recommend picking up these books from your library or bookshop:

Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, and her guide to Breastfeeding too.
For him, I recommend Cheers to Childbirth by Lucy Perry. It’s an easy read written for dads and helped my partner through the births of our kids (we have three, he delivered them all himself).

You can get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Making mistakes is often how we grow as people.

Congratulations on your new little blessing.

Dear Miss U,

I'm very nervous about video chatting with my girlfriend (we haven't done it yet, and she's annoyed because of that).

We are in a serious relationship; we text every morning and evening, send selfies, talk on the phone every so often, and occasionally sext (through texting. No photos). We also call each other partners, and have decided that if she still likes me when she visits, she'll move to be with me.

In other words, we're extremely close to each other. My problem is that even so, I'm scared of video chatting. I am the most insecure person on the planet and have trouble with my speech (I trip over my words due to anxiety caused by abuse. Not that that's much of an important fact).

My girlfriend melts whenever I send her selfies; she overreacts to each and every one of them. Even so, I'm scared about the call (I'm nervous about her seeing me, since it's a live video and I hate my looks. I'm also nervous about seeing her. She makes my heart race and makes me so nervous and happy).

I was just wondering if you had any tips for preparing and calming myself down for our first video call?

Rainbow

Dear Rainbow,

It took me over three years to get the guts to do a video call, so I feel you!

At first, we practiced just having the camera on and typing, so I didn’t have to try to speak. I gave Mr. E a list of rules too, like, he wasn’t supposed to draw attention to the camera. The first time we tried it he was all, "Oh can you move it here, oh can you adjust this..." and that was a whole lot of nope for me. A full-on panic attack ensued. I needed him to shut up about it and just let me get used to it being on. When he stopped asking me to get it perfect, that really helped. Pretending it wasn’t there was key for me.

Take baby steps. Let your partner know criticism of any kind isn’t going to be well received at first, not even playful teasing. Make sure you feel as safe as possible before trying scary new technology.

You can also put a time limit on it. Just a minute at first. Then a little more.

Lastly, think on this:

We want our relationships to be as real as possible. We want our partners to see us as real people on the other side of the screen. But it’s very hard for them to get a sense of who we are, a feeling of presence if we’re not engaging their senses. Texting (as much as I love it!) is the lowest form of communication because our partners can’t hear us, can’t see, or smell, or taste, or touch us. There’s nothing there for them to grasp onto, except the strength of our personalities. For some of us (me included), that’s enough. For other people, they need something a bit more tactile.

The good news is your relationship will show an improvement when you manage to do this. A time will come where you enjoy it, you’ll even look forward to it. Your partner is your safe person, you can be vulnerable with them!

Anxiety isn’t a joke. You’re not alone. You’re not weird or difficult.

You can do this!

In kindness,

Dear Miss U, My boyfriend and I are in a new LDR. He is abroad for a month and then after that, he will be living 6 hours away from me. I found out that before he left to go abroad he cheated on me. He begged for my forgiveness and told me it was the biggest mistake of his life etc. I love him and I see a future with him and decided to give him a second chance. Now, he’s telling me he thinks he cheated because he’s scared of the LDR and has doubts. He’s afraid of being unhappy and just putting up with it because we love each other. He is feeling hopeless even though I’m planning on moving closer to him within the year… [read more]
Dear Miss U, I’m too anxious to speak to my long distance flirt (not official yet) on Skype. I live in England and he lives in Spain and I really like him I just don’t know how to get over the anxiety of speaking to him. I lived in Spain from ages 0-6 and now live in London so I speak fluent Spanish but I have difficulty pronouncing quite a few words so I’m worried that he won’t understand me or think I sound stupid. How do I get over this, because we’re hoping to meet in a month or two? [read more]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.