Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and have endured so much together and come such a long way since we first started off. We’re extremely close and have a wonderful relationship and a good support system. We would love to see this work out, but recently he applied to the university I attend and is unsure of whether or not his parents will support his decision to come here or if its what’s best for him. He originally wanted to pursue nursing and is now having second thoughts and is completely unsure of what he would even pursue if he decided against nursing. Since it would be a switch from community college to university, money is also a big factor. We pursued the relationship believing we would at some point be going to school together and now that it’s so close to happening, I’m not exactly sure what to do if he decides to continue school back at home. I love him with everything I have and so far a LDR has been best for both of us since we’re science majors and it allows us to focus, but I want a real relationship where we can hug and kiss and actually see each other on a normal basis. He knows I’m torn and is also torn about what he should do so there is a lot of pressure on both ends. What should I factor into my decision? How will I know whether to continue dating or to bow out?
– Flustered in Flagstaff
Dear Flustered in Flagstaff,
That’s a good question. For many, it’s clear simply because ending the relationship isn’t an option. If there’s nothing wrong with your relationship except the distance, then you’d both be fools to throw that away. Time and effort are investments. Better to invest in someone you are compatible with but have to wait for than blow it off to have a relationship right now that likely won’t have the staying power the relationship you have now possesses.
For his career, it’s hard to figure out what you want to do with your life when you’ve hardly lived any of it as an adult, but remind him that in this day and age people don’t have to have the same career their entire lives. He can always re-train later. He’s not committing forever to something he might end up hating. If he knows he’s interested in nursing, then that’s a good thing to work towards, but of course it depends on why he’s questioning that path. If he loves the idea of nursing but is worried he won’t earn enough, or is worried about the debt he’ll be in when he finishes, or that this career won’t land him in the same location as you soon enough; that’s not the right reason to purse a different career path. It’s important to do what you love, because you’re more likely to work hard, progress faster and earn better pay than just pushing forward to pay the bills. You spend a third of most days at work, so it’s important to make that count. If however, he’s just aiming for nursing because he doesn’t know what else to do and he has no real ambition to become a nurse, perhaps it would be better for him to wait before making this decision. Better to work a mediocre job for a year, gain some money and life experience, and then decide than to change his mind half way through and have debt already accumulated. Especially university debt, which like you said will be much higher than the fees for his community college.
As to having a real relationship; you are already having a real relationship. Potentially the best type of real relationship for you right now as you are studying and don’t really need to be distracted from that. From your letter it sounds like everything is working. Yes, it would be fantastic to close the distance, to be able to touch each other and go on dates outside of the house, and that’s a worthy thing to work towards. It’s natural to want that in-person contact. But sometimes plans don’t go the way we expected them too and closing the distance takes longer than we’d hoped – that doesn’t make it any less worth it though.
If you’d both finished your education and neither of you were looking for work near each other, then I’d say maybe it’s time to throw in the towel because perhaps neither of you were committed enough, but that’s not the case. To me, even if he doesn’t move, you’re still working towards a future together, it’s just not as close as you’d hoped.
These are the things I would factor into your decision on whether or not to continue a relationship:
- Do you love each other?
- Are you happy together? Do you laugh and smile more than you cry?
- Are you compatible and do your post-education goals align?
- Does he support you and your goals? Does he treat you with respect?
- Do you get along with each other’s families?
- If circumstances were different and you were near-proximity, would you be thinking of breaking up?
- Have you looked into other closing the distance options other than him going to your uni?
Frustrated, I know that dating at a distance is hard and it wears you down, particularly when you thought it was over and you discover it isn’t, but breaking up because of the distance is basically saying “I don’t see you enough so I don’t want to see you at all” which makes very little sense.
If it’s not broke, don’t fix it!
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have only been dating for three months but we both are truly in love with each other. We both knew this was going to be hard but I guess when you find someone so perfect you fight to keep them. My problem is in my past I have had long distance relationships an they have all ended in them cheating on me. So I have a major insecurity of feeling not good enough. I trust my boyfriend with all my heart and I know he won’t cheat but I don’t trust the girls.
My boyfriend is in the nursing program so I know he’s going to be around girls all the time. But these girls tweet him and post pictures of him and I get sad. My boyfriend tells me not to worry and that he knows he’d be absolutely insane to leave me. But it’s just hard for me to get over the fact that all these girls get to be around him all the time while I’m sitting at home missing him. What’s your advice to get my confidence back and just laugh when girls try to talk to my boyfriend instead of worrying that he will cheat on me like the rest??
– Insecurities
Dear Insecurities,
It takes two people to hold hands. Two people to kiss. Two people to have sex.
It does not matter in the slightest whether you trust other girls or not if you do in fact trust him. If he is worthy of your trust, it will be as though they throw themselves against an unrelenting; brick wall.
If you concentrate on being the best girlfriend you can be, you can then rest in the knowledge that he can’t do better. Put the effort into your relationship, work on your self-esteem (eat right, exercise, meditate, do things you love and educate yourself so you always have interesting things to talk about etc.) and remind yourself as often as necessary that you can’t put on trial and prosecute one man for another’s crimes. He is not your exes.
None of us, ever – long distance, short or near proximity – are ever 100% protected from the risk our partners will cheat. There are limited things we can do to prevent it, heal from it and build trust with new people but at the same time we do nothing but sabotage new relationships if we’re constantly suspicious, anxious, needing reassurance, being clingy or making our partners feel untrusted. There comes a point where you have to learn to push the thoughts aside and continue on. If nothing else, “fake it ‘til you make it!”
Dear Miss U,
Me and my girlfriend are coming upon our one year dating anniversary. I am away in college and she is back home. The distance has not hurt us at all because we talk a lot every day. Anyway, I take the bus home every three weeks on Friday so we can see each other. But due to my next semester schedule I can’t take it on Friday because my class ends after the bus leaves so I will have to wait til Saturday. Our anniversary is on Friday (Valentine ‘s Day) and I have break the following week. Should I miss class and go home on Friday, go home on Saturday, or wait til the following week to celebrate our one year? Thank you so much in advance!
– Delhi Dilemma
Dear Delhi Dilemma,
Your letter is incredibly sweet.
What are your grades like? If you are doing well and you’re not already lagging behind then I can’t see why missing one class would make much difference. You have the advantage of time here too, you can prepare in advance by speaking to your teacher and asking to get the notes early, or asking for reading material that will cover the same subject matter. Failing that, perhaps one of your class mates would be willing to let you copy their notes or record the session for you if it is a lecture.
If you know you absolutely can’t miss this class for whatever reason, celebrating a day or week late wouldn’t be the end of the world, but if you can go on the Friday I know that the effort would be hugely appreciated.
