If you’re feeling insecure…

Dear Anon,

Sometimes small odd things pile up to make something big and weird. It could be a coincidence. Maybe his best friend works nights, so is always awake at that time. Or maybe he’s not where he says he is, and so it wasn’t actually 4 am. Her giving details so readily might be suspicious, but then, I’ve sent money over PayPal before with nothing but an email address, so maybe her “details” are not really super-top-secret kind of stuff.

I have a very close male friend. If he texted me at 4 am (and by some miracle managed to wake me) I would certainly help him out in whatever way he needed, but I’d be asking why it couldn’t at least wait until business hours! When it comes to friends of the opposite sex, I always ask myself, “Would I be upset if my partner was having this interaction with another guy?” If the answer is no, I’m probably over-reacting.

It’s hard to answer your question because I can do nothing but offer conjecture. Besides that, I am massively biased. I have a very hard and fast don’t send money to people over the internet whom you’ve never met rule. It’s good to be generous and to take care of the people you love, but you need to protect yourself too, you know? It’s very easy to be taken for a ride online. For your own safety, please don’t get into the habit of giving him money.

You need to listen to your intuition, it’s there for a reason. Honestly, as a third person, I can tell you this looks suspicious. Surely, he too can see how odd this whole scenario appears and would relish the chance to clear the waters so just ask him. You’re not overreacting, and I believe you have a right to feel comfortable with where your money goes.

Don’t let a miscommunication, or a lack of communication, needlessly inflate the situation.

Dear Insecure but in love,

The great thing here is that you know your mind plays tricks on you, and you are actively using strategies to manage that. Take a moment to congratulate yourself on your awesome adulating! Well done!

I would go as far as to make a reassurance scrapbook of your relationship, so you have a physical reminder of the great moments you’ve had together, the kind things he has said, the adventures you’ve had, and the depth of the bond between you.

Of course, you’ll be ok without him, but that doesn’t mean you want to put your energy toward that eventuality. It’s good that you’re focusing on reassuring yourself rather than polishing up your Single Survival Kit. The great thing about LDR is it forces you to be independent. You’re already living without him in most ways, proving to yourself every day that you’re with him because you want to be, not because you have to be; you don’t need more than that.

Full trust and opening up to be completely vulnerable shouldn’t happen overnight. It’s perfectly normal that at five months of dating you still have the occasional reservation. Don’t think you’re somehow abnormal for the occasional paranoid thought (just look through all my letters to see just how many people worry about these things if you need to) or that you’re “needy” for wanting a bit of reassurance here or there. I’ve been married more than six years and I still ask Mr. E for reassurance on occasion. I still need to know he loves me, still like to hear that the wrinkles appearing around my eyes aren’t scaring him away. It’s normal.

Be kind to yourself, you’re stronger than you think you are!