I’m Crying In Fear. Please, Call The Police!

Dear Sad Sav,

Your sister is not the problem here.

Hey, I know why you think she is, I get it, but let me tell you a story.

(Age was not mentioned in the question, but the person who wrote in submitted her age as 16 and her significant other's age as 43.)

When I was 15 I was dating a man who was 40. That’s 25 years my senior, and yes, he was breaking the law in my country. I thought I was so mature. What right did the government have to tell me I couldn’t choose who to love? What right did anyone have to say I was too young to make that decision?

I stayed with him for over four years and you know what? The age difference never mattered to me. Sometimes it even seemed like I was older than he was! And you know what else? How I felt didn’t make a difference to the imbalance of power. He manipulated me in ways I couldn’t imagine because I didn’t have the life experience to do so. He had so much more general knowledge than me it was easy for him to take control of my life, bit by bit. I was never sure if he was cheating or not. Now I look back, he probably wasn’t. I was the only one stupid enough to think he was a catch!

Anyway, he drove all my friends and family away. He was nice to them in front of me, but manipulated every situation behind my back.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think all middle-aged guys are bad. Not by any stretch of the imagination. And I know one generationally-different relationship that works. With that said, you need to ask yourself what my mum asked me: what does he see in you? You’ve already guessed what he sees in your sister.

I’m not saying you’re not worth dating, but as an adult myself I can firmly say I couldn’t have a relationship with a teenager. There wouldn’t be enough there to keep me satisfied. 20 year olds are at a completely different stage of life to 40 year olds. They generally have less knowledge, less experience, less money, less social power than a middle-aged adult. They simply don’t have much to offer unless you want someone who isn’t your equal that you can control, dupe, and enjoy the younger body of. You need to ask yourself why he isn’t with someone his own age. If he’s such a catch, why isn’t he married to someone who is his equal? Why does he need to find young girls on the internet in other countries?

This must be hard to read and I am grateful you’re still with me because I don’t want another young girl to go through the things I did. I don’t want your self-worth being flushed down the toilet, your family shattered, and your past haunted by all the red flags you didn’t see. It’s no fun.

With all that said, let’s knock over some basics:

1. He’s not your husband. I’m not all-knowing, but I’ve been through a lengthy visa process and I can’t think of a single country that allows you to marry a man you’ve never met. At best this guy is your boyfriend or partner. At worst he’s a creeper on the internet indulging in child porn every time you send him a sext (at least via the laws of my country.)
2. I don’t understand why you would want to do the wax hand mold with your sister, or what that has to do with your relationship.
3. I assume you mean moving as “leaving him alone” or “breaking up with him.” But again don’t understand why she would, what the wax hand has to do with that, or how he even got your sister’s phone number.
4. He “has a thing” for seizures. Hey, disabled people need to fall in love and have sex too and I’m all for that, but if the reason they are attractive to a person IS their illness, that’s called fetishizing, and that’s messed up. This guy is gross. Which leads me to…
5. You were 13 when you got together with this dude. THIRTEEN. A child. Someone’s innocent little girl. And this 40 year old man thought it was okay to start dating you. No. That’s a big fat illegal no. There is no reason on earth that at forty year old guy should find a thirteen year old girl attractive. That’s pedophilia. See, the reason we have an age of consent law is because kids younger than 16 years old don’t have the brain development to make sound reproductive or romantic choices, and certainly not with grown men.

I know it doesn’t feel weird when you’re inside the situation, but it is. It’s wrong. What he is doing is fucked up in the worst way possible, and I assure you, if it was some kind of magical true love and he wanted a relationship of equals, he would wait until you were a legal adult to pursue a relationship with you.

This is not what a marriage looks like. This is not what healthy looks like.

And on top of all that you have strong indications he’s cheating.

Why are you with this dude? And why are you blaming your poor sister who seems to be becoming just as much a victim as you are? It’s not her fault he’s a piece of human feces. This isn’t love. If he loved you and respected you he wouldn’t be cheating on you. If he was a decent man at all, he wouldn’t be playing “married” with little girls on the internet a all.

It’s hard. But run. Get away from this pervert. Block him in every way possible and get your life back, while you still can. And maybe, when your heart stops breaking, consider reporting him to the police of his country, because if he can mess with you for three years god knows how many young girls he’s manipulating locally.

I hope one day you will write me again and let me know both you and your sister got away from him.