Miss You Issues: In Marilyn's Words - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I always told myself I would never be able to go through a long distance relationship, however, now I find myself seriously considering it now that my boyfriend has been offered to play football at his dream school. He is the one who offered the whole idea of a long distance relationship and before when we would talk about it I always said no, but now that’s it’s actually happening I really don’t know what to do.

I’m scared of both the pain of ending a relationship over something like distance, but also going along with something that I feel I’m going to suffer through. We haven’t been dating that long but we have such deep feelings for each other and I can’t bear the thought of losing him, but I really don’t know how to deal with the issues of missing him and trusting him so much, as sometimes I’m not very secure about how he feels towards me even though he has stuck with me through my worst moments. I just really don’t know if long distance is for me or for us. He is the one who suggested it but I still question it he’s actually serious about it. So I guess my main question to you would be what should I do, or better yet, what would you do? I’ve never gone through something like this and I want to know if I’m just overreacting to something that maybe wouldn’t be so bad.

Jeans

Dear Jeans,

I’m actually a big fan of long distance relationships. I think they have a lot of perks. I’m also a huge fan of not being a martyr. Ever heard the saying “Life is what you make it”? Well, I believe that is totally true. Your attitude makes the world of difference in everything you do, as does your overall health. If you think you’re going to suffer through enduring a long distance relationship you will almost certainly be miserable because deep inside you have made the choice to be miserable.

Personally, I don’t look at it like, “do I want to be in a long distance relationship or not?” I ask myself, “do I want this person in my life or not?” because all the things that truly matter can transcend the distance and the other things will be all the more sweet in their concentrated form when at last you reunite. I’m not going to say it’s always easy, it isn’t, but then near-proximity relationships (NPRs) aren’t always easy either. Trust, seeing you mentioned it, is just as necessary in a NPR as it is for a LDR. If you don’t trust him don’t be with him; regardless of where he lives.

I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can tell you if I had the choice of either doing long distance again or not having Mr. E in my life I would choose the distance a hundred times over.

Dear Miss U,

I just wanted to ask, if this is normal for a couple in an LDR. I live in a country 13 hours ahead of his. So the only time we can talk is either in the morning or at night. He’s busy with university, with lots of projects. Even during the times when we are both awake, we don’t talk through text a lot. Averagely 3 texts per hour. We don’t video call much as well. Or just call. We can go without calling each other for a week or more. I’m okay with it, though I wish it could be more. But I’m not sure, because I feel like LDR depends much on communication, and we don’t have much of that.

Anselle

Dear Anselle,

You can only do what is possible. What is possible and normal for someone with an opposite-ends-of-the-world relationship is likely to be quite a bit different from what is normal and possible for a couple three hours apart (for example) so cut yourselves some slack.

The biggest questions are:
1) Are you happy?
2) Are your needs being met by this relationship? (And his too, of course!)
Personally, I think three texts an hour is a lot, but then it depends too on the content of your communications. If they are long texts the quality of communication is quite different from if you’re just sending emojis.

The standard I tell people to aim for is three texts a day – not an hour, a day! – and one hour of talk time. Obviously, an hour of talk time might not be manageable with a massive time difference, so you could compromise by talking on the weekends and dedicating an hour to long emails during the week. With that said, if what you are already doing is working fine for both of you and you are both happy then it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else has to say about it. You know your relationship best.