Dear Miss U,
Firstly, I’d like to clarify that the other person and I aren’t in a relationship, I apologize if I cause some confusion over the topic of this letter. Now, the person I’m interested in is, in my opinion, sweet, funny, intelligent, and best of all, a realist. We’ve both acknowledged that we’re several states from each other, but that doesn’t keep us from advancing whatever it is we have. I’ve got several problems, I’m not the best at explaining thing, so I’ll just list them:
- The most obvious; we’re quite a distance from each other.
- By law, he’d be a pedophile. He’s five years older than me, though as Mark Twain said “Age is simply an issue of mind over matter, if you don’t mind, then it doesn’t matter”. I understand that the general opinion is going to be negative, being the wonderfully cynical realist that I am.
- This isn’t really a problem, it’s more of additional info. The person I’m interested in is James, I’m gay.
Once again, let me restate, I’m not very good at writing out my problems, so I apologize once again if the message of this letter is unclear. In a nutshell, should I pursue a relationship with someone older? Would it be worth the possible consequences?
Thank you.
~Nicholas
Dear Nicolas,
You might think you’re bad at expressing yourself, but you are far from it. I think this is the first letter I’ve ever responded to in which I didn’t have to correct anything (Spelling, punctuation, grammar proper nouns…) Thank you for taking the time to construct your correspondence so neatly!
1) Distance doesn’t need to be a big deal. You’re both young. What are the chances both of you want to stay in your hometowns forever? Distance could, in this situation, actually be of benefit to you and any relationship you undertake. For now, I wouldn’t let it worry you. Like point number three it’s more of a factor than a problem.
2) This is the tricky part because whilst when you’re 30 and he’s 35 this won’t make a shred of difference, right now it makes a lot of difference. So much happens in late adolescence and early adulthood that when you come out the other side, you’re not always the same person.
Then there’s the law. I don’t know what your family or his is like, or how supportive they are of your sexuality, or how much they’d care about a five year age difference but personally I wouldn’t risk it. If there’s something great between you, it doesn’t need a label to make it great. And assuming he fancies you back, you’re probably worth the wait.
I personally don’t think it is beneficial to a relationship to ever need to hide or deny the existence of the relationship. Often all it does is erode the trust others have in you, make them question your judgement and over time make your partner feel either like you are ashamed of them – or as though they should be ashamed of themselves. None of these are good things.
In a nutshell, whilst I would not recommend pursuing an exclusive sexual romantic long term relationship with James, because of the stage of life you are each at and the very serious legal consequences for him, that doesn’t keep you from advancing whatever it is we have. Just be smart about it. Remain friends. Become the best of friends. Know each other inside out. Flirt with each other, test the waters to see if you are potentially sexually compatible (be smart about this though! For example don’t send him naked photos of yourself. Legally, until you reach the age of consent, that can be classed as him being in possession of child porn.) Talk about him in passing with your friends and family; get the people close to you used to hearing his name. Send each other gifts. If people ask you if you’re in a relationship you can be honest and say that you’re interested in each other, but are waiting until you’re more mature. Take it slowly.
Talk to each other about dating other people during this time, as you both might find that you not only want to, but that it can be exciting to share these experiences with each other. There is the risk one or both of you would fall for someone else, but on the other hand, when compatibility and attraction are strong between two people, they tend to end up together in the end simply because they find there is no better match. And in this way, in three years (or whatever is the legal age of consent where you reside) when you can be open and proud in your relationship, neither of you will feel like they “missed out”. Additionally, the kind of foundation you will have built up between you will be the type you want in your life partner. You’ll have a history together. You’ll have grown up together and you’ll have had plenty of time to figure out what to do about the distance.
You can’t turn your feelings off – but there’s no need to rush in either.
Dear Miss U,
My SO and I were dating for three months before my job took me 350 miles away. I went back once a month so we could spend time together. I then had the opportunity to move with my job across the globe to another country. The amount of time I will be in this other country has yet to be determined. Could be from three months to three years. My boyfriend has started talking about buying things that will be “ours.” Most of our relationship has been long distance. We spent a month together before I moved across the world and it took a long time to get used to being with each other and when we got used to it and found some sort of normalcy it was time for me to leave. He talks about me moving in with him as soon as I get back in the country. Not that I don’t want to but I don’t know if the timing would be right. He keeps wanting to talk about it but I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t have any answers. I feel like he wants to rush everything. How do I talk to him about serious stuff like this without causing a long-distance fight? Any advice you can give? Have you ever dealt with this?
~ Confused
Dear Confused,
I believe that a year into a relationship it’s perfectly normal for the people in that relationship to want to know if there’s a future – and when that future will be. Also, at 26, he’s likely to be getting the urge to settle down, make a permanent home, buy property, and think about marriage or children, or traveling the world with you rather than to see you. Likely he has his work life already, and now he wants to know when his home life can begin.
Distance is also far easier to deal with when there is an end date to look forward to – even when that end date is far in the future, it’s reassuring for people to know that every day is bringing them closer to what they want. It helps people cope.
I feel that he has the right to know where he stands in your future, that even though you might not feel ready to move home and then move in with him right now it is indeed what you want too – or if it isn’t he needs to know that! An estimation of when that is likely to be is also important as it may affect his decisions. No one likes to feel strung along. How long do you think you might like to work in your job? If you were offered the full three years, would you take it? If you were offered more time after that – would you be keen to stay as long as you could? Or do you have other responsibilities waiting for your return, or have a rough time line when you might desire other things in your life (Additional training/study, Family, Property ownership etc)? You can talk to him about the future and the goals both of you have without setting anything in stone. Knowing what each other desire is never a bad thing.
It’s ok not to have solid answers, it’s okay to feel the need to slow it down, and it’s okay to not be ready; but it’s not really fair to expect him to wait around in silence until you figure it out.
