Miss You Issues: Insecure - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I have been texting with my now ex-boyfriend for 2 months and then he disappeared for 1 month. I was sad because I was used to receive his massages all the time, every morning, every night. We used to text a lot and he even told me that he loves me. I was so sad, I would cry at night, waking up at 2 a.m. checking my phone but nothing. After two weeks he texted me just to check on me. I asked him: “Who are you?” Because I was hurting so much. So he disappeared again. And came back after 2 weeks. I ignored his massages for few days but we started texting again. After that we met in person for the first time. I was already in love with him but I think he wasn’t sure until then. So we started dating. It was really good at beginning but I could not forgive him what he has done to me. So I wanted to break up with him so many times, blocked him, ignored him and everything, and he was trying all the time to make it work. But that last time when I said I cannot be with him anymore he accepted that and he didn’t text me anymore. After month I texted him and then he said how much he misses me but he never even tried to talk to me. We texted few times and I was hoping that this time it’s going to work but no. The problem is that I have trust issues and he never worked on that, to make me believe in what he is saying. Is there any possibility that he still loves me? Isn’t he afraid that I will find someone new? Now he is online but doesn’t text me anymore. Is this the end? Should I move on?

Earta

Dear Earta,

I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it. The problem isn’t him. It’s you.

Here’s what I see:

You were a young couple in the very early stages of a relationship, who hadn’t yet met in person or significantly become part of each other’s lives. He stopped texting for any number of reasons: Maybe he was sick. Maybe he lost his phone. Maybe he was in a remote location and couldn’t text. Maybe he just needed a break but doesn’t yet know enough about relationships to have realized that he needs to be polite and communicate these things.

We don’t know. And we may never know, because instead of trying to get to the bottom of his behavior, when he took the time to check in on you, you reacted as though this is some kind of passive-aggressive game. A game that you seem intent on continuing.

You couldn’t forgive him for “what he has done to you?” Which is what? He didn’t text for a month at the very beginning of your relationship. That’s not a big deal. He didn’t cheat on you, or steal your brother’s underwear or eat your cat. To the best of my knowledge he didn’t empty your bank account and spend that month high on drugs. He hasn’t slandered your name or keyed your car. He just didn’t talk for a while, which he might have had a good reason for, and even if he didn’t, you could have just told him how you felt and that it wasn’t ok to do that, and then moved on. Frankly, hanging on to this sense of being slighted is ridiculous.

As you said – YOU have trust issues. It’s YOUR issue. It’s something you need to work on, not him. We don’t get into relationships in the hope someone will fix us or complete us. We need to be complete in ourselves and then find a partner, who is also whole and individual, to share our lives with.

You’ve broken up with him, blocked and ignored him, and now you’re writing to me wondering why he isn’t talking to you? Maybe because he’s not a stalker. Maybe because he respects that no means no. You broke up. Why should he be talking to you?

I think for both of your benefits yes, you should move on. And you need to stay out of relationships until the point you are ready to handle one maturely; because this isn’t it. We don’t play hard to get, we don’t pick and choose when to acknowledge our partners and when to ignore them. We don’t get revenge on them for ignoring us by doing the same back to them. We don’t expect them to prove themselves to us or to chase after us in some twisted Hollywood interpretation of romance. And we do our best not to hold grudges over petty things that don’t matter.

If you love someone, you need to be ready to apologise a lot, and to accept their apologies. You need to be ready to talk clearly about your needs and expectations. You need to work as a team and give it all you’ve got. And you need to be able to let things go, because if you stay with someone 10, 20, 50 years (or more!) they are going to make mistakes. There’s going to be misunderstandings. They are going to hurt you and you are going to hurt them, and if you can’t move on from those disagreements none of your relationships will ever go anywhere.

Dear Miss U,

My Swedish boyfriend & I met on a train last May while he was visiting NYC. It was straight from a Nicholas Sparks movie. We met two days before he was to fly back overseas but made the time to formally meet over a.m. coffee. We connected, immediately & overwhelmingly, both admitting that being together “just feels natural & right” after only 2 sober hours. He flew back that night & we’ve only grown closer since. Thank goodness for WhatsApp & FaceTime! Without force or question we mutually decided to be exclusive & treat this as seriously as we felt for each other. We went 6 months as LDR before our schedules & wallets allowed for our second date. We both acknowledge how grateful we are for this time apart, to truly court each other like past eras & build a strong foundation of open communication, trust, patience & love above all. We’re currently waiting on our paperwork to be approved so I can officially move to him. Now that it’s crunch time though I’m reminded of my previous LDR, which proved devastating to my heart & well-being. We talked marriage, family & futures just as I am now. I know he’s not at all like my ex but can’t help fearing the negative possibilities. I’m willing to “see what happens” once I get there but he seems more of an “all or nothing” man. My Swedish thinks I have some unfinished business & am not ready for the move. Will I ever be “ready?” My anxieties have “infected” our relationship & is adding pressure. How do we overcome this together? Can we?

Falling for my Swedeheart

Dear Falling,

If you came home to find your sister injecting heroin in the kitchen, would you also suspect your brother used drugs just because they are both your siblings? If your mother only likes dark chocolate, would you never buy milk chocolate for your dad because they are both your parents? If one of your friends turns out to be deceitful and breaks into your car, do you never let any of your other friends see your car out of fear they too will try to steal from you?

No, you probably wouldn’t, because just as you can’t be jailed for something someone else does, you should not prosecute someone for the misdeeds of another person.

Your Swedeheart and your Ex are two completely different individuals. Yes, both were/are long distance relationships, but why should that matter? If you’d had your heart broken by a guy you lived with, would you then never live with another guy again? If you’d been dating near-proximity, would you then accuse every other near-proximity lover of bad intentions?

You see how utterly ridiculous this is right?

So stop. Just stop. Don’t let yourself think about it, and certainly don’t question your Swedeheart over it. He has done nothing wrong; do not cast suspicion on him because some guy he’s never met was a bad match for you.

Go forth and give this relationship your all. Give it 100%. Throw yourself in. I personally feel being “ready” is overrated. How do we learn and grow and challenge ourselves if we are always holding back? And if you don’t, if you let your Swede slip away, aren’t you just letting your ex ruin another relationship? Don’t you think you are giving him way too much power over your life?

Listen to your thoughts and your words, and take control of them.

The only thing there is to fear, is fear itself.