Insidious Doubts

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. He goes to college downstate (2.5 hours away) and I'm a senior in high school. I know it's not an extreme distance, but I rarely see him and he doesn't have a car so I'm the one doing all the driving. My parents make the argument that if he loves me so much, he would find a way to come visit me. But it's so much easier for me to drive to him. This is definitely hard and I want to be with him but sometimes I find myself thinking. "Is worth it?" I feel terrible for even thinking it but is all of this truly worth it? Will this be something I will regret in the future?

-Ronnie

Dear Ronnie,

I seriously hate that “If he loved you...” stuff. It’s manipulative. And not true. I love Mr. E, but there are still some things I don’t or won’t do. (Driving happens to be one of them.) I also feel that having a car is a privilege, not a given. I don’t know what the public transport is like in your area, but I’m going to assume there’s a good reason he’s not using it.

If you had a big event or some other reason he needed to come to your town and he didn’t, I’d take that as a red flag. If you need him and he’s not there. If you have a prom or ball, and he just doesn’t feel like taking the bus. If he’s deliberately avoiding spending time with your family and friends, then be worried. But if you’re just doing most of the visits because that’s what works for your relationship, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s important to recognize your strengths in a relationship, to know what you can give and where you can be flexible. That’s something both of you need to be doing.

Having doubts is normal in any relationship. All relationships require compromise. All partners will have a thing or two you don’t like about them. It’s ok to wonder if it will be worth it — if your relationship will work out or not — because there’s no way to know other than to try. But I can’t see a reason for regret here. Life is for living. Mistakes help us grow. Even if this relationship doesn’t make it, you’ll have learned a lot from being in it. You’ll have grown as a person and developed wonderful memories. Unless he’s luring you into drugs, encouraging you to drop out of school, or in some way abusing you, there’s nothing to get in knots over. A boyfriend that doesn’t drive isn’t the stuff lifelong regrets are made of.

Trust yourself a bit more and remember to have fun. It’s great to take advice from your parents, but they aren’t in your relationship and they don’t know it like you do. We have to live our lives in a way that makes us happy. If he makes you happy, treats you with respect and helps you be a better version of yourself, who cares if you do a bit of extra driving? That’s what audiobooks are for, right?

Dear Miss U,

I met this guy while my year abroad and we became really good friends. After that year ended, we didn't think we would still be in contact but we were texting every day. The next summer, I went to visit him in Germany and spend 2 and a half weeks with him. We felt something for each other but we didn't mention anything.

After that summer, we kept on texting and Skyping and he came to visit me in Mexico in April. He stayed over 2 weeks and we had a really great time. We connected and our feelings became stronger. That summer, I went to study abroad in Australia but before that, we decided to become a couple. He came to visit me in October, we traveled around Australia and it was really the best time of my life. By December, we started to argue about distance and how we felt for each other but we kept trying.

I am visiting him in 2 months but this last couple of days we have been weird as if our relationship has cooled down. He told me he doesn't look forward to our talks because he knows they're going to end in a discussion and he doesn't know if he still has feelings for me. I told him to give our relationship another chance and he agreed but I don't know how to make things different or to spice things up. I often had problems with phone sex and I feel that could be something we could do but I don't know how to break my fear. I really want this to work and he is trying too but I feel we are going through a rough patch.

Please, what should I do?

Jamie

Dear Jamie,

Firstly, remember that rough patches happen to all couples, even older married couples. They are completely normal and don’t spell the doom of your relationship. It’s great you’re both talking about your feelings and trying to work through it.

Love, after the initial flush of attraction and chemicals and hormones, is largely a choice. That sparkly new excited feeling doesn’t last, no matter how in love you are. It’s replaced by something better though: security. Knowing that you’re in it for the long haul. They become your partner on the adventure, rather than being the adventure.

Having been friends first gives you a strong foundation to work through this. Emotions ebb and flow. Low tides are normal, and often the result of stress.

He’s said he doesn’t look forward to your conversations because they will end in a discussion. That tells me the fun is gone. All the discussions are probably over heavy things you don’t have an answer for yet. While hashing these things out is good, if there’s no new information to take into account, sometimes talking about these things just adds pressure. So try to keep it light and fun for the next two months, until your visit. Often couples just need to see each other in person again to remember why it’s worth it.

Phone sex can be fun. I can’t give specific advice because I don’t know what your problem is with it, but if it’s something you’re keen to try, tell him that. Tell him your issues, and make small steps toward the outcome you’re looking for. There are different ways to do it, too. Phone sex doesn’t have to be all sultry voices and in-depth descriptions. Sometimes it’s just you and him masturbating over the phone.

Remember that just like regular sex, you can stop or change it up if you’re uncomfortable. Sometimes it’ll be fun, but won’t result in an orgasm. Sometimes you’ll be more into it than him, and sometimes he’ll be more into it than you. Sometimes you just want a quickie. All of that’s okay, normal and healthy.

Find hobbies to share too. Long distance doesn’t work if the times you are together in person are the only times you’re having fun.

Good luck,

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About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.