Dear Miss U,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for a while now. I love her very much and she loves me back. There’s no chance that we’d split up, just to clarify where we’re at, we’re both very integrated in each other’s lives (I’m friends with all her extended family and am invited to family occasions etc).
Three months ago, at the end of the summer after we had just left school I moved away to Gloucestershire, West England, from where we were both living relatively close in London, and she moved to Oxford. I’m working full time as a project manager and she’s studying medicine at uni – this is my gap year, next year I’ll be studying engineering.
We’d never fought before our move. Not even close. It always did, and still does, make me happy and put a smile on my face just to hear from her. But I feel like recently she’s been getting annoyed with me. I think the frustration lies in the fact that we both want to keep talking to each other, as much as we did back home, but because we’re leading completely different lives now (she’s going out and I’m getting an early night for work as an example) we don’t have as much to talk about. That’s frustrating for both of us, though because of the way our relationship works I feel like it’s more my responsibility to keep it going. She gets annoyed when I end up saying the same thing over and again for conversation, but then hates to not hear from me – and it’s the same for me I guess.
What can I do to make things feel like the way they were!
Alex
Dear Alex,
Just because your lives are very different from each other that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about them. Don’t assume that the other person won’t be interested in what you have to say, just because their life isn’t like that. You’re both doing something every day, there’s no reason you’d have nothing to talk about. Tell her about your project, what progress you made on it today, who you worked with and if there were any funny or frustrating moments. Equally ask her about her study. Not like this:
You: How’s your study going?
Her: Good.
But actually have conversations about it. Yes, at first you’re not going to know much on the subject and you might feel a bit lost, but this is going to be her career for a good portion of her life, so you may as well start getting an understanding of it now. Ask her what she learned that day. It’s a fact that if you re-tell someone information you have learned within 24 hours of learning it yourself you are much more likely to retain that information, so you’ll both be doing her studies a favor. If she’s going out, ask her where to or who with. You don’t have to be all creepy controlling boyfriend about it, you’re just taking an interest. Ask her about her friends – if you know them, ask for updates on their lives, and if you don’t, ask how they met, what they have in common and things like that.
You can also talk about your families, about the idiot that cut you off on the way to work this morning, that movie you’re dying to see, a random thought you had earlier about your future house/children/dream career, your hobbies even if they aren’t shared or something you read in the news. You really can talk about almost anything and learn something about each other by doing so. Look for conversation fodder throughout your day, and if your memory isn’t great, write a quick note to yourself so you don’t forget.
Remember too that when conversation runs dry you don’t always have to fill the silence. You can do something together but separately, either on the phone if you have a good plan or via Skype. Play games, cook dinner or watch a movie/TV series together. Offer to read her your all-time-favorite novel. Because when you’re together in person, you’re likely not talking at each other constantly, you’re doing things as well.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. We recently closed the distance (YAY!), but now we’re talking more about our future together and are seeing issues that we didn’t see before. Religion was something we talked about while we were an LD, but now we see how much more challenging it will be if we were to get married. What are your thoughts on interfaith relationships & how can they work? I am a Catholic & he is agnostic. He has attended Mass with me when we visited each other, but it seems different now that we are closed distance. Your advice would be appreciated!
Confused Catholic
Dear Confused Catholic,
I like agnostic people, they tend to be easy to work with. They don’t have strong beliefs of their own to argue with you about, but they believe just enough to be supportive and not laugh at you when you’re praying. It’s win-win. Or at least that’s how I feel about it, being in a similar situation to yours. Mr. E is agnostic, and I’m religious. My thoughts on interfaith relationships is that they can work – almost any relationship can work! – but they have their own sets of issues you need to discuss and have an agreement about. You need to know if there’s anything in particular about your faith he is strongly against as that would make a difference, but generally people have similar morals regardless of their faith. It might also benefit you to discuss gender rolls and if your expectations are likely to change after marriage.
For Mr. E and I, our relationship works because he is laid back. As faith is an important thing to me, but not so much for him, key things are given over to me by default. For example, we married under the traditions of my faith and will raise our children within my religion.
Occasionally he attends religious gatherings and events with me, but for the most part it’s “my thing,” something personal that I do which helps me be me. I also don’t ever expect him to convert. That’s a key thing there. There are many religions that harshly judge those who are not a part of that religion, or dictate that their members can’t marry outside of the faith. But if you want the relationship to work, you have to give ground somewhere, and asking him to change something as fundamental as who or what he believes in shouldn’t be one of those things. I understand that Catholics undergo marital counseling through the church before they marry and that they aren’t supposed to marry within the church if both parties are not of the same religion. There are two ways around that. Either you forgo a marriage within your church, or he goes through the motions and pretends to be something he isn’t. You’ll need to talk about it and figure out what is best for you both.
Personally, day to day life in an interfaith relationship hasn’t been any different for me than being in a relationship with someone of shared beliefs. His dirty clothes still never make it the extra two meters to the laundry basket, and I still pass off jam jars that I probably could put the effort in to open myself. Not much changes. It would be nice if we were of the same religion, but I find as he’s willing to discuss it with me and prays with me when I really need him to, that’s enough. Talk to each other and find a middle ground that is enough for both of you too.
