Intimate Beginnings

Dear Miss U,

Missy

Dear Missy,

I’m going to start by debunking the common but incorrect assumption that men always have higher sex drives than women, because not only is it false, it is damaging to all genders. The key difference is that society celebrates a male libido and shames female sexuality. Girls are sexualized from a maddeningly young age and yet taught by the same people that sex is sinful, gross, dirty and wrong. That her body and the way it works is mysterious, disgusting and embarrassing. That she is little more than property, something for a man to enjoy. That her wants and needs are somehow less and that when she becomes sexually active she will lose a part of herself. I’ve got news for you – she doesn’t. We talk about how virginity is “taken” or how her “cherry is popped” but physically this is incorrect (that’s not how the hymen works at all) as well as emotionally, intellectually and spiritually false. No part of any person is lost by loving, or even just by consensually having a good time.

On the other side of the fence we are led to believe that all guys ever think about or talk about is sex. Men don’t have true emotions like women, they just have sexual desires. They don’t cry, they break things. Uhm, sorry, but no. Men and women are not of different species! There are plenty of men with low libidos. There are plenty of women with high libidos. And there are people all along the gender spectrum that are asexual, and there’s nothing wrong with any of these things.

This brings me to my next point: Do you think that maybe you’re asexual? Do you experience sexual desire? Are you attracted to him? Do you want to be sexually active at some point, in some form? I’m not going to pretend I know a lot about asexuality, but your letter put me in mind of it, so maybe have a bit of a google and see if anything rings a bell for you.

Now let’s suppose you are sexually attracted to this guy. What would be the harm in making love online? I feel like you need to ask yourself what you’re afraid of, or why you are repulsed by this idea. Because honestly it’s fun, it gives you another way to connect with your partner, it relieves stress, it teaches you about your body and your likes and dislikes, it teaches you about his body and his likes and dislikes, it gives you a level of vulnerability and intimacy, the list goes on. If it’s consensual, respectful and you’re both enjoying it there’s nothing to be worried about, in my opinion.

I admit, I’m a big advocate for Skype sex, phone sex, cybersex, role play and all those other creative ways people at a distance are getting their rocks off. This world needs more love in it, right? There’s nothing wrong with increasing the joy in your partner’s life (and your own!), and nothing wrong with touching your body either. Yes, the first few times you do it you might feel a bit silly or awkward, but that’s true for all things sexual, not just long distance sex. You say that “of course you cannot do that” but I want you to ask yourself WHY. Why can’t you? Is it because like millions of little girls you’ve been shamed about your body and your desires your entire life, and now the idea of connecting with yourself sexually and showing your body off is abhorrent? Is it because you think you’re somehow offending God (who, by the way, designed you so that your hands fall naturally to crotch level)? Is there a reason you “cannot do that”? Or is that just the response you’ve been programmed to give?

With that said, three months is obviously too soon for you. You’re not ready, and he needs to respect that. It’s your body and your right to say no. You do not have to do anything you don’t want to do and I want you to be unafraid to say so, loud and clear. Respect is huge and if he can’t respect you and your answer, it needs to be goodbye. If you’re never going to be ready though, you need to tell him that too. We do have a responsibility to provide for our partners sexually (and they us!) unless the rules of your relationship that you have both agreed upon state otherwise. Generally, sex comes standard in adult romantic relationships and needs to be addressed whether you are physically together or not.

You’ve asked me if I think three months is long enough to know if he is into you or not but honestly I don’t know. Some people know right away that this is the person they are spending the rest of their lives with while other people take years to figure it out. Some people know and yet proceed with caution, other people jump in with both feet eager to find out. I don’t know either of you, so I can’t hazard a guess. What I do know however is that wanting your body does not mean someone ONLY wants your body. When people love each other they often want the whole person. They love and are attracted to the whole person. When I look at Mr. E, for example, I think “Gods, he’s so funny!” and “Look at that great butt! I want to get a handful of that right now!” and “His heart is so pure, I just want to protect him.” And often I think these things all at once. I want to hear his voice because it soothes me even as I long for a passionate embrace that makes me forget all my cares and worries. I want all of him: from his crazy bushy eyebrows to his capable hands, his inquisitive mind to his erect… well, you get the idea. I want and love all of him. Being physically attracted to someone doesn’t lessen your emotional connection to them.

I hope something here can put your mind at ease. Talk to him. Talk through your fears, your innocence and your vulnerability. Talk about your past and your hang-ups and the way you were raised. Share your story and listen to his. Discuss what you both expect from a relationship before you enter into one formally. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be sexual, nor is there anything wrong with wanting to be very sexual, but you do need to come to a comfortable agreement on the matter. These conversations might not be easy, but they are the only way forward.

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