Dear Miss U,
My mom has depression and I never had any problems with being depressed growing up. But every time my SO leaves I feel very depressed. I’m not sure if I should talk to my doctor about this or if this is just a normal, temporary thing. I’m also going back to college soon and I’m dreading it. I don’t have the motivation to do things anymore. This all started happening after my SO left after a week together. And now we just spent 3 weeks together and I’m getting that same depressed feeling. Should I seek help?
Hanna
Dear Hanna,
This is a grey area for me, as I’m not qualified to give medical advice. If you feel like you could benefit from help, then by all means see your doctor. You might also be interested in some of the self-help books at your local library, wherein you could find techniques to help you manage your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes understanding why we feel a certain way can help us over-come it, and other times we are genuinely ill and need to see medical health experts. Do what you need to do for you and always remember there is no shame. You wouldn’t be embarrassed to have a twisted ankle or chronic headaches; treat your mental health with the same kindness.
Dear Miss U,
I feel like my heart is breaking every day since we parted ways for uni Sep 2015, we see each other on a fortnightly basis just for 2/3 nights every term, but the fact he chose to go away when he had a place here kills me. We spoke about going to the same uni all summer, he even took me to Venice as a surprise for our 1 year – it’s all love. On results day even though he didn’t get the grades the distant uni accepted him but I was sure he wouldn’t take it as he had not once voiced any want or desire to go there, he kept it from me (probably out of fear of how I’d feel) and slipped up when he told my mum about his accommodation acceptance. We never sat and spoke about it or made a plan – he just left. I’m on my second term at Uni and still find myself crying myself to sleep, I feel betrayed and angry at him and I still haven’t been given a reason to make me feel comfortable enough to be ok with him being there. It causes so many arguments which were unheard of before he left. What can I do before it’s too late to help me resolve how I feel and save this relationship?
Uni Distance
Dear Uni,
to me the issue here isn’t that he’s studying somewhere else, it’s that he wasn’t honest about it. He doesn’t need your permission, but he ought to have been candid enough to talk to you about it.
However, what’s done is done and he can’t take it back, so moving on is your best bet.
To facilitate that, I suggest having a calm discussion. If you can’t remain calm under the storm of emotions, then write a letter instead. Outline exactly why this is hurtful, and how you expect to be treated in the event an opportunity like this presents itself to him again. Find out why he felt he couldn’t tell you, and learn from his words rather than letting yourself be offended.
Let him know how you feel, let him know there were other options than how he handled the situation, gracefully accept any part you unwittingly played, trade sincere apologies (because you really do deserve one!) and then vow to yourself to let go of the incident.
We all make mistakes. Stop punishing him for this one. Remind yourself that it is in the past and don’t use it against him.
Lastly, try to find some positives. Is this uni better than his other option? Perhaps he is better off striking out on his own rather than living with parents. Maybe the connections he is making now may help you out later. Seek out comfort rather than things you know will upset you. From there, make the best of it. Without lemons you can not make lemon meringue pie.
Dear Miss U,
In a few months, school will be over and summer will come. Once summer is over it’s time for school again, except that my love will be going to college far away from where we currently live. We’ve always had problems with the distance put between us (our whole relationship we have been in adjacent cities) and it’s hard for me not to think about her twenty four seven while she’s away. I do not yet own a vehicle or even my learner’s permit. Is there a way that I can come to accept our long distance relationship to not be bothered by it?
MS
Dear MS,
There is, but I’m afraid it can’t be taught. It’s something you learn through experience; a type of wisdom. It’s understanding how lucky you are rather than feeling sorry for yourself. It’s knowing you can’t change your situation and making the best of it.
When you find yourself having negative thoughts, counter them with something positive. If you find yourself moping, get up and do something. Exercise regularly and eat whole foods, you might be amazed at how much easier it is to care for your mind when your body is nourished correctly.
