Miss You Issues: Is it Too Soon to Think of Marriage? - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My guy and I have been together for 10 Months, we initiated our relationship 4 months after we met online. We’ve only seen each other 20 times since the day we met until now. It’s very hard and we both know that. He is stationed in Hawaii which is 4,000 miles away from where I live. He recently has been talking about getting married and building a family together. I don’t know what to do, it honestly takes me by surprise. No one has ever talked to me about marriage before in a way that he does. I don’t know what I feel about it. I’m so happy but at the same time afraid and mixed with many other emotions. We haven’t met each other’s families yet and I hesitate a lot in doing so because I have a big problem in meeting families in general. My guy knows that and it shows that he feels bad about it, but he completely understands me. He said he’s willing to wait until I’m ready.

A few days later, I told 2 of my sisters what he said and they said it’s too soon. Is it? They’ve also said that we might or might not feel the same towards each other when he finally comes back to live here. And that’s because we both are so used to the long distance that it may be very different when we actually spend more quality time together when he comes back. I’m not sure what to do anymore… I’m so confused. Will that change anything…?

T&R

Dear T&R,

It’s not too soon to think about marriage. It’s not too soon to talk about marriage. But I’m going to say that yes, it’s too soon to be taking steps toward marriage.

You’ve probably read or been told at least once in your life that his family and mates don’t matter because you’re not marrying them, you’re marrying him, but honestly you are marrying his family in a way – you’re marrying into it and these are the people who will share your special events for the rest of your lives. These are the people who will influence your children, and they are the people who have shaped him into the person he is today – Not only that but the kind of friends he keeps tells you a lot about who he is as a person and what his values are. I understand meeting his tribe, and introducing him to yours, is going to be hard. By all means, take your time, but until you’ve established some kind of relationship with his family you’re not ready to proceed toward marriage.

I’m a big fan of the year-and-a-day rule. Live with him for at least a year before you marry him. If you want to wait until marriage to have sex, cool, get different rooms, but live with him anyway. There are a lot of people I love in this world, I have many friends I enjoy being around, but there’s only been one person I actually enjoyed living with – and I married him!

Living together teaches you important stuff such as whether your annoying habits align with his, and how he treats you at the end of a long stressful day. Does he take his anger out on you? Does he communicate his need for space or more affection? Will he tell you politely that he really doesn’t like you drying your undies in the main bathroom or will he stew on it until a fight erupts? Will he do his share of the housework and thank you courteously when it’s your turn to cook, or is he going to take you for granted? You can’t learn these things through dates and visits, you can only learn them through experience.

The transition from long distance to near-proximity isn’t easy, your sisters are right there. I remember when Mr. E. and I finally moved in together we didn’t know how to have fun with each other; we’d always communicated through our computers, and didn’t have a shared interest that didn’t involve technology. With that said, he was still the same person. You fall in love with who they are, and that does not change, but it does take a bit of teamwork to establish an off-line dynamic.

Talk about marriage all you like. Talk about your goals, and the plans you will put in place to achieve them. Discuss if you want to study or travel before having children, or if you want to have kids at all. Talk about family and gender roles, what you will expect of each other and how you both like to show and receive affection. But don’t actually get engaged. Don’t agree to marry this guy – or anyone – until you’re certain you know what you’re signing up for. If you’re together forever, you have forever within which to marry, but if you jump in before you’ve laid your groundwork the whole thing could sink and swallow you whole.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.