Is it worth it?

Dear Jamie,

What’s the difference between a friend and a girlfriend anyway? What, really, is the difference between bestie and spouse?

Is it the sex? Because plenty of people have bed buddies. Heck, people have sex with strangers and people they don’t even like. Clearly, it’s not just the sex.

Is it a friend that you love enough to make family? And then you legally do? But so many people reckon their bestie is closer than their sibling, surely that’s not enough.

Is it the romance then? The ability to make yourself completely vulnerable and corny, and be appreciated for it?

I’d be willing to say the answer is a little different for all of us, and I encourage you to find your personal answer.

For me what sets Mr. E above everyone else is I can live with him. That’s it. I know he’s my special person because I don’t get sick of him. There’s no one I’d rather hang out with. No one I’d rather rant to on a crap day or celebrate with on a good day. Other people, no matter how much I love them, I want them to go away sometimes. They drain me and I get sick of them. They leave their shit all over the house and it’s annoying. Mr. E leaves all his shit everywhere and he cracks the worst dad jokes, but I never want him to be somewhere other than with me. His happiness is my happiness. My dreams become his, and he chases them with me. That’s how I know.

I also know he’s mine because there’s nothing I can’t talk to him about, and when I talk about him, I’ll often say “my best friend...” because he is. He’s my best friend, my life partner, my lover—my everything.

Sometimes she only sees you as a best friend? I say there’s nothing wrong with that. A foundation of friendship is what will last until you’re old and grey. When you’ve seen the world already and sex is more effort than it’s worth, it will be your friendship that will bond you over breakfast in the morning and soaking your dentures at night. Never think for a second that being a best friend is a threat to your relationship. Just take it as a sign that you need to up the romance a little or turn up the heat, to give her a quick reminder that you’re above and beyond all the other girls.

Mr. E and I also lose sight of why we love each other sometimes. Or why we even like each other. And that’s where the fun comes in. You need to keep the relationship fun. That can be hard when you don’t have a lot in common, but there must be something you both enjoy and can bond over. What do you do when you’re together that makes it so perfect? Find a way to carry that fun over into your LDR.

You don’t have to be constantly talking to be together long distance. You can do things together: play games, watch shows, role play, have sex, cook and clean companionably, study. Most things that you can do in person you can find an equivalent for long distance. Let her watch you take a shower or do your makeup if you’re into that. Dance for each other. If you don’t take yourself too seriously the options are limitless. If you want to talk but can’t think of a subject, get a questions for couples book — those things are gold.

Getting through the long lonely days is largely a matter of attitude. You can choose to be happy and feel blessed that someone as perfect as her is in your life, working toward a future with you, or you can choose to be miserable and mope about things you don’t have, like physical proximity. Your LDR can be awesome. It can be hilarious and satisfying and full of beautiful memories, or it can be a long painful slog that breeds resentment. It’s up to you. Secretly, the rest of life is like that too. It is going to be what you make of it.

Thinking of her 24/7, being lovesick and distracted? Yeah, I don’t know how to cure that. The best I can offer is talk to some of your single and unhappy friends, that’s always a great way to get perspective on how lucky we truly are.

Is it worth it? Only you can answer that. For me? I’d do it all over again. It was worth every tear, every lonely night, every friend who considered me single, every dollar, every form, every trip to the JP. And it’s still worth it. Long distance doesn’t go away when you close the distance, it just changes. Now it’s worth every “are you moving back?” and every airport goodbye, it’s worth having a baby on my lap for a fifteen-hour plane ride. It’s worth it.

Start learning her language now, a year from now you’ll thank yourself.