Dear Miss U,
While traveling in Europe this summer I met this amazing guy who is pretty much everything I’ve been looking for and more. I have a list created and he seriously checks out in almost all areas. However I’m a bit concerned because I’m in AZ and have a life started and he’s just starting his life over again in London. I’ve already been in a long distance relationship with a guy from the UK once and it killed me when things hit the fan per say. Should I give this guy a go even though I hardly know him or should I keep him as merely a friend and a wonderful memory of my travels? Since I’ve been back we’ve kept in touch every day and I’ve already received two love letters it’s absolutely adorable.
~ Aimless wanderer Confused
Dear Aimless Wanderer,
Anytime I hear someone tell me they have a list, alarm bells go off in my head. If there are more “must haves” on your list than you can count on one hand, or there are more deal breakers on the list than you could count in the same fashion, I’m almost certain you will never find someone you can be happy with. Mr or Miss Right does not exist – unless his or her first name happens to be “Nearly”.
But that’s not really what you are writing to me about is it?
So, do I think you should give this guy a go? Me; an anonymous stranger on the internet who knows only your age and general location – why would I be the best person to tell you yay or nay? The answer is, I’m not. Thus I can only assume that you have written to me in the hopes I can give you confidence and tell you what you want to hear… which I’m going to assume is “Yes! Go for it!”
And why not? What have you got to lose? There is nothing that suggests that your heart is more or less likely to be broken by this guy in London than someone you meet in your home town. There are some great obstacles to overcome with a long distance relationship, that’s for sure, but things are not ultimately more likely to hit the fan just because you can’t pop over to his place for a cup of sugar. If you’re compatible, you will find a way. And if you’re not, the pain in your chest isn’t going to change in respect to his location.
Better to regret something you have done, than to regret not doing it.
Dear Miss U,
At the beginning of the Summer, we both decided not to get into anything serious, because she was leaving for college in a few short months. Later, we ignored our better judgement and threw ourselves into what I consider the happiest month of my life so far. As her departure date loomed ahead, we decided long distance would be a bad idea, accepting that we’re young, and perhaps not mature enough to handle the responsibilities a long distance relationship requires.
Now she’s gone, and I’ve never been one to cry much, but I’m starting to rethink our decision. I know that if I asked her, she would gladly say yes, but I’m worried about what happens after. I’m willing to fight for her, and I’m not ready to let the perfect girl go.
I don’t think it was just a passionate fling, but then again, anyone in a passionate fling would say the same. There’s no way to know. What I’m asking is, given this objective information (I tried my best not to lace it with the magnitude of my affections), is long distance right for me and my lady?
~ Lonesome Tonight
Dear Lonesome Tonight,
I think there is probably some combination of personal qualities people who intend to survive long distance relationships are required to possess; just as there are some necessary qualities that a relationship (be it long distance or near proximity) probably can not function without. Opinions are likely going to differ as to what they are, and I have absolutely no way to determine if you and your lady have either the personal qualities or the compatibility to go the distance.
What I can tell you is that Long Distance is not at all what many people make it out to be. It’s not automatically doomed to failure. It’s not about texting a hundred messages a day or needing to know exactly where your partner is and what they are doing simply because you can’t be there. It’s not about be pathetic and lonely and having nothing but awkward phone sex. It’s not about naively being in love and blissfully unaware while your partner is off having loads of sex with other people. And like any relationship, it is as hard as you let it be.
Long distance relationships are preferable for some people during some stages of their lives. If you are both reasonably independent and have a lot you need to focus on such as study then long distance can be ideal. It is also great for people who want to open up to a partner and share with them on a deeper level. If you both are passionate about talking or writing out your feelings, revealing your deeper inner selves and establishing a connection in that manner then long distance will not at all hamper your relationship. Relationships that are based on mental attraction and strong communication are just as fulfilling at a distance as if you resided in the same house.
On the other hand, if one or both of you is deeply private or inherently physical, you might experience problems trying to develop your relationship over a distance. Some people, as much as they may want to, are unable to open up verbally or express themselves with language. They instead rely on touch to communicate affection, and their partners figure them out gradually through observing their behavior. Or you might be a “man’s man”, you might not be into heart to heart talks, writing love letters, sending flowers and making kissy faces over Skype. You might feel like that kind of affection is degrading, or simply hilarious. You might not talk about your feelings, instead preferring to show them through actions, or conventional dates or through fixing things for her – which you can’t really do a lot of if you are long distance.
One of the key things to ask yourself and each other is “How will we maintain a sense of connectedness while we are not together”? If you feel like your relationship would be on pause any time you’re not physically together, then long distance might not be for you. Whilst if you feel you could stay connected and be mutually satisfied by the support you can give and receive at a distance then there’s no reason you can’t live your lives separately but together.
It’s not really about fighting for her. It’s about putting in the extra effort to plan Skype dates, write letters, take photos to help her stay involved in your life, and being creative enough to keep your sex life passionate when everything you’ve ever learnt required you to be in the same room. Sometimes, it’s more about willing to be a little corny and lame, than about fighting for her hand or proving your worthiness against the competition. But I sense that seeming you have come here, you have taken the steps of researching long distance a little, and contacted an advice columnist, then you probably do have what it takes.
Besides, if you’re supposed to be together, you’re not likely to be able to just forget each other and move on. Sometimes we have to acknowledge that our hearts have made a choice independently of our minds.
