Is This Goodbye?

Dear Miss U,

I am feeling lost and conflicted. The man I have loved for 3 yrs says he doesn’t have the same feelings anymore. I keep spinning and spinning around his words because, at the beginning of this year, he was willing to love me for a long time, then we started going through a rough couple of months, that led to him being distant, less caring and attentive and loving with me, yet during our intimate moments (through the phone) he would tell me he loved me, and 4 weeks later its not the same anymore? I keep feeling maybe we need a break, but I’m afraid we will get more distant. I did talk to him about this issue, and he says that as a best friend he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants me to be around because he feels lonely without me, but I feel as though he's never appreciated me as a woman and what I’ve given him, and a part of me feels used. I can’t understand how someone says he loves you, but weeks later says it's not the same? I want things to go back to how they used to be, it is hard and complicated to just be friends with someone I invested everything into. He was always loving and caring but from day to night he just changed, and I cannot understand why. I’m so confused...

Nefertari

Dear Nefertari,

Being completely honest, isn’t it a bit selfish of him to expect you to stick around and be his friend, particularly while you’re trying to get over him? What does he think you’re going to do, just flip a switch and your love and attraction for him will magically go away? If you need some space from him to heal, take it. Not everything is about him.

I’m sorry you’ve felt unappreciated and are left feeling used. I’m sure his feelings for you were genuine. You didn’t imagine anything. He didn’t lie (seriously, LDR is rough no one is in it for kicks,) but somewhere along the way, something changed for him.

If he’s not cool with that, he’s in for a rude shock as he gets older, because relationships are supposed to change. They don’t feel new and sparkly and all-consuming your whole life long, eventually, they become as comfortable and unremarkable as your favorite old underwear. And if you’re not prepared for that change, it can feel like the relationship is broken. It can feel like the love is gone. Some people never come to peace with that, and so they spend their whole lives having short but exciting romances that end in breakup after breakup.

It’s possible he might figure out that he still does love you, and that’s why he wants to keep you as a best friend. (What is a husband other than a best friend you combine finances with and have sex with?) But by the time he does, you might realize that you want more from a relationship anyway. A different man might understand your need to feel appreciated as a woman. Your next relationship might tick all the boxes instead of most of them. When you have healed and grown from this breakup, you will know.

Until then, be your own best friend. Buy yourself that treat you crave. Call in sick to work and spend a day watching movies in your pajamas. Do whatever it is that you need to do to nurture yourself. And do me a favor: stick a big message to yourself on your bathroom mirror that says “I am worthy.” Because you are.

I wish I could tell you why he feels like this, or what you could do to change his mind, but we can’t control other people, we can only control ourselves. Treat yourself like a princess. Put yourself first. And any time he asks something of you from here on in, think to yourself, “If my best friend was going through this, what would I tell her?”

I’m sorry for your pain.

Dear Miss U,

I have been in my current relationship for 9 years. The distance between my boyfriend and I is substantial (UK, Southern USA). I have visited him many times, whereas my boyfriend has never visited me here. He says he cannot afford flights and has been unemployed for approx 5 years. All is well when we are together but I am beginning to feel too frustrated as it feels so one-sided. It is very difficult for me to secure a work visa, for him it would be easier here in the UK. I feel I need to give an (almost) ultimatum and ask him to visit, otherwise, I just can't continue. I don't want to give up, yet I don't want to keep hoping something can work either!

On my last visit, I felt a change in his interest toward intimacy and am concerned he has met someone else. I wasn't snooping, but found an email from a French girl in my boyfriend's inbox - he hadn't signed out - I borrowed his laptop. The tone was friendly, however, he was suggesting airlines that fly to his closest city for her. Their sign off said 'send you little kisses.' I fear she visited before my last visit as, he went to stay with, as he called, "friends of friends," who he had never met before (from France) visiting the USA in his closest city for 5 nights. This is not something that had happened before. In this time, he wasn't online every day as usual. Maybe I'm over-reacting but I just have a bad gut feeling.

Thanks for any advice!
Louise

Dear Louise,

You aren’t imagining those red flags. You’re not over-reacting.

Nine years and no visit? Five years unemployed? You have the patience of a saint! I know some people have no qualifications (I’m one of them) and terrible luck besides, but five years of unemployment, letting you throw down all your money to visit him? That screams to me of not trying hard enough. I don’t understand why in all that time the money you’d spend on plane tickets couldn’t have brought him to visit you, so he can be involved in your life and meet your people. If he’s unemployed, is he trying to look for work in your country to facilitate a move? Nothing is ever so simple, and maybe I’m being too harsh, but I’m getting the feeling he doesn’t have the drive to get his life together, never mind closing the distance and having a future with you.

I completely understand your reluctance to give an ultimatum or end this relationship. You love him and you’ve invested a huge chunk of your life in him, but I do feel like you’re coming to a point where you need to see some kind of effort from him or you are going to have to cut your losses.

The situation with the French girl is suspicious, too. He might not be cheating yet, but I’m sure there’s something going on he isn’t being entirely honest about.

I’m not sure where you will go from here, but I think you do know. I think your gut instinct is strong and you need to have faith in yourself. You know what you need, give yourself permission to take the next step, be it ultimatum, breaking up, or something completely different.

Dear Miss U, I just wished to ask your opinion after I saw an email on my boyfriend’s laptop (he hadn’t signed out of gmail) from another girl. It sounded like she was planning to visit where he lives and he suggested good airlines etc. There was no real flirtation except she signed off saying “little kisses” and he wrote, “send you hugs and kisses.” I haven’t asked him about it yet. Am I just being overdramatic and reading too much into the email sign-off? [read more: How Many Kisses Is Too Many?]
Dear Miss U, My boyfriend lives in another country, about 3 hours by plane. When we’re together it’s all great, and before he started working, we never had a perfect LDR communication, but at least I could reach him all day long. I know he loves me and really cares for me, I trust him completely. The thing is, ever since he started working, we get to talk for two hours in the evening (he works from 08.00-20.00) and in those hours he also has to see his friends and do his sports and stuff. I end up looking forward to the weekend so much, but although I seem to need more communicating, he is not really good with texting etc. In the weekends, where he has the day free, of course, he wants to go out and do things. But I want to talk, and Skype, and catch up. On the whole week. I totally understand that he needs some fun after working all week. But I also need to get enough of him… [read more: It Takes Two]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.