Is This Relationship Toxic?

Dear Troubled Blonde,

Maybe not toxic as such, but those are some big red flags waving around!

I’m going to tell you a story. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, my mum had this boyfriend. It was clear from early on (to me anyway) that this guy was not a catch, but with Mum battling cancer, she didn’t want the drama that would come with getting rid of him. He moved into her house under the pretense of caring for her, but never actually did any work. Nor did he have a job. She managed to give up smoking, but he wheeled her outside in her wheelchair and put a cigarette back in her hand. She battled for years. They fought often, but she wouldn’t force him out. Anyway, right before she died she said, “I wouldn’t have stayed with him if I had a chance of surviving.” He thought she must be secretly rich (despite raising us on welfare) and after she died he took my sister and me to court over our inheritance. Turned out Mum didn’t want to be with him, but she was more afraid of being alone. That backfired on all of us.

And it’s a story I’ve seen a lot, mostly in women. They would rather stay in a bad relationship than be single. That’s sad for a lot of reasons. There’s nothing wrong with being single! Yeah, you’ll be lonely at first, but no one is stopping you going out and making some friends. Indulging in your hobbies and meeting people who are into everything you’re into. Not having to cook or clean for anyone, not having to take someone else’s needs into account if you decide to stay up late, or travel on a whim. Beyond that, what are you saying about your self-worth if you settle for someone who disrespects you?

There’s nothing wrong with being frustrated about long distance. It IS frustrating at times. But that’s where it ends. It sounds to me like him breaking up to “not hold you back” was more a manipulative ploy than anything. A ‘punishment’ to teach you not to do the things he doesn’t approve of. Yuck. He’s not your dad, nor your owner.

And you are not his clone! Why does it matter so much to him that you post the kind of pictures he doesn’t? If he doesn’t like what he sees on your social media, he needs to click unfollow because your online presence isn’t about him. It’s none of his business. Again: it’s not his place to control you.

Personally I believe our first loves, as devastating as they often turn out to be, are there to teach us what we want and need from a romantic and/or sexual relationship. They teach us how to love; how to be good partners. They are the place we make our mistakes. And they teach us that the movies have lied all along. Love is not — and never will be — all you need. You need respect. You need a partner with compatible goals. A partner whose lifestyle, or intended lifestyle, aligns with what you want. A partner whose spending habits complement your own. Someone who loves you how you need to be loved. Our first relationship teaches us how to talk to our partners and work through problems. But in most cases, they aren’t built to last because we didn’t know anything about relationships when we laid the foundations. Think of it like building a house. If you learned carpentry and wiring and plumbing from YouTube and glossy magazines, would you really want to live forever in the first house you cobbed together?

Maybe he can become a feminist. Maybe he wants to see you as an equal and treat you as such, but he hasn’t figured out how to see where he is going wrong. It’s possible he doesn’t realize he’s putting in place restrictions he has no right to implement, and doesn’t realize the language he uses casts the blame onto you. To know, you’ll have to have a conversation with him. You’ll have to see if he improves himself in the long term or if he simply gets defensive and turns the conversation back on you. Maybe there’s hope.

But you certainly shouldn’t put up with this treatment from him and if things don’t improve, please walk away. Hang up the phone. Add him to your block list.

We only get a finite amount of years. Don’t chose to spend them on him for fear of being lonely. Unhappiness, shame, disrespect – these are the things to fear and avoid. Loneliness? That’s temporary. You don’t need a boyfriend to be happy, especially not a boyfriend who is embarrassed by the idea you’re having more fun than he is.

Spend a little time fantasizing about what life would be like without him. The things you could do. The choices you would make. In no time at all you will see that you could live without him if you wanted to, and maybe you would thrive.