Dear Miss U,
My ex recently left for college and I stayed back home studying. We were in love, he gave me a promise ring, he even asked me if I would marry him in four years. We were doing good, it just had been a month and a half since he left but one day he called and said it wasn’t healthy for him because of how much he missed me so he wanted to end it but after a few hours he called crying and I accepted him back. A week after he ended it again. Said something had changed, there was no spark anymore, he had no feelings. Two weeks after I texted him and he told me he does has feelings for me but they are different now and he does still loves me, but something wasn’t the same. I don’t know what to think, part of me thinks he just ended it because he thought it would be easier for him and something else tells me he is just over me. But the week before all this he was telling me how much he loved and how was I the only person who could make him feel good and special. I’m so confused I need some help to try and figure this out.
GH
Dear GH,
I’m not a mind reader but if I had to guess, I would say that he just hasn’t adjusted to being in a long distance relationship and doesn’t really know what his new needs are or how to feel as loved and connected to you as he did before. Basically, he’s confused, and passing that along to you. It’s quite possible a visit would help reassure him that nothing has changed (or confirm for him that it truly has). Beyond that, there’s not a whole lot you can do. It isn’t about you or something you have done, it is how he feels, how he has adjusted and what kind of effort he is willing to make to figure it out. I’m sorry that you are being hurt in the process.
Dear Miss U,
This boy once found my pic on fb and fell in love straight away. He did not know I was already married. He then requested friends 5 months afterwards and I accepted. From that day we talk every day and we share everything. All his family know about me too. But only his bro knows that he loves me as a woman. Fyi, I live separately with my hubby who lives and works abroad. We communicate rarely because he works long hours. He just answers when I message him. Even if he sends us money regularly I feel abandoned by him. From this boy I get all I need, love, care, and attention as a woman. I cannot divorce hubby because I will lose everything. I am just a stay home wife. This boy wants to meet me and marry me. But he is not stable yet. He has not a regular job and also must feed 6 of his bro and sis. We can not be apart as our bond is very deep. Could you give me advice?
Princess in Ayer
Dear Princess,
What you are doing is wrong and your excuse for it is a poor one. What you need to do is get a job so you can support yourself, or get into training/ take a course as soon as possible so that you will be able to get work and support yourself. Will life be harder when you have to make your own money and balance things like childcare and having significantly less time? Yes of course it will. But at least you won’t be there using and betraying a man who might not realize your marriage isn’t meeting your needs. Basically, staying with someone so you can have access to their money is beneath you, so stop it. Or stop cheating. One or the other.
You are significantly older than your new love but I sense if you entered the workforce or went back to study, if you threw your lot in with him, you might be in very similar places in your lives; with similar goals. That’s a good thing.
My advice is to pick the life you want, and stick with it. The options appear to be money and security vs. love and hard work. There’s no way forward on the path you are on. You can’t have a future with your boyfriend while you already have a husband, and you can’t fix your marriage (which quite obviously needs help) while you’re busy destroying it by cheating. So pick one.
