Dear Miss U,
I started an online relationship with a guy who lives in another country, with an 8 hour time difference. We started off talking about our common interest and it blossomed from there. The first week we were constantly texting and Skyped a few times and called on the phone. We are planning to meet sometime in the summer. I have 2 kids and a working on a career as a nurse and he has his career going as well. I fear that maybe this is an impossible relationship, we both proclaimed our love for each other but I’m afraid we can never be together. He says we should just have fun and not worry but I’m the kind of person who does worry and think about the future. I tried breaking if off twice but we just couldn’t break it off. I don’t want to keep chatting until he meets someone else, I would be heartbroken. Plus I feel maybe I’m more emotionally invested in this than he is and it is very frustrating. Should I continue with this and just have fun?
Confused in California
Dear CC,
You just met! Either in person or online, I’d have the same advice here – stop worrying so much about the future “maybes” and put enough time into this relationship to find out if you’re actually compatible.
Chances are; you are more emotionally invested in this than he is, simply because women tend to have a greater need for a relationship than men. That’s our domain, in a way. Our cultural socialization and our nature point us in that direction from an early age whereas men aren’t wired that way. They have other ambitions that compliment this mindset. What I’m saying here is it is perfectly fine if you are more invested than he is, especially at such an early stage – but there’s no good (and the potential for a lot of harm) in ‘planning the wedding on the first date’ as so many people tend to do.
By all means, continue and have fun. Nothing is impossible. Yes, closing the distance may come at a high cost for one or both of you and it might not come for a few years. You might need to finish your training before you could consider moving there, or he might have to fight for a transfer in his job to move to you. One of you may have to learn a new language. There may be lengthy expensive visas. People may question your decision or imply you’re doing wrong by your kids. It won’t be easy. Some days it will seem insurmountable, but it isn’t. Many other international couples of all ages, races and cultural backgrounds have found a way through the maze to their love on the other side, and there’s no reason that with dedication and time you couldn’t also succeed. But before all of that, you need to get to know each other as best you can, and you can’t do that in a few short months, so just have fun with him instead.
Dear Miss U,
We met at a party last year, and he pursued me ever since. We live 5 hours away. Lately, I’ve been feeling very anxious about the distance; I’m realizing that the distance may be what gets in our way.
We have lots of fun, are really in to each other, and when we talk about our relationship goals, he says, “I want a lover and best friend.” But, he never says he wants to be in the same physical location; unless I plan to move.
He is in graduate school, which ends in a couple years. I have a very stable professional job where I live. He is from the city I live in, but says how he plans to stay where he is now and he even went so far at one point, saying, “I guess if we can’t figure out how to be in the same place in a few years, I’ll just break it off.” That is where the anxiety really came on. In contrast, he has said things like, “If I knew I was going to meet the love of my life back home, I would have stayed there.”
My dilemma is, while he could very easily come back this direction at some point, it is near impossible for me to move (I am in a highly competitive profession, where stable, high paying jobs are very hard to find). I’ve said I would consider it, but he never says he will. In recent talks, he told me he wants nothing more than to be with me, but if he was ME, he would likely break things off now, because chances of being “together” are not good. Are these mixed messages? Will he change his mind and come back my way, or am I just being ignorant? So confused.
Erika
Dear Erika,
Yes, he’s giving mixed messages, most likely because he’s scared and confused too. He knows he has school for a few more years, and that he’s happy where he is. The selfish part of him doesn’t want to move. It often causes a lot of frustration and a bit of regret in people when they realise exactly what it will take to close the distance.
I think what you need to do in pin him down for a straight answer. While you are talking to him, let him know there is plenty of time to make a decision, and that you can both work together to compromise. That whist it seems like a lot of effort, once it is over and done with he’ll wonder what he was fussing so much about.
What I see here is just fear. I don’t know if he’ll change his mind and move. I don’t think at this point even he knows. But all you can do is talk about it. Let him know statements about just breaking it off are hurtful and nonconstructive, and find out what things could possibly be considered to trade-off for him moving to you. For example, he moves to you – but you move to a better area, or closer to his work/family/school. Or you’ll support him while he finishes his education. A big part of closing the distance is bargaining, figuring out what each of you need, and what you’re willing to give up to get it.
Give it some time.
